Falling forward faster
News from Washington D.C. and other centers of power where brave politicians and expert bureaucrats do what's best for us -- because they can
In an interview with Esquire, Hillary Clinton said she hopes the 2016 presidential election will show a continued enthusiasm for change in the United States.
“2008 was groundbreaking,” she said. “Just a mere generation ago it would have been inconceivable that we could have a black president. That Barack Obama is now in his second term is a testament to how far as a nation we have progressed.”
“That said,” she added, “in 2016, we really ought to go back to having a white president.”
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, a previously ardent supporter of the NSA and its growing role in domestic spying, has “changed his mind,” his press secretary Jordan Morris said.
“Governor Christie has decided to take back his words about Rand Paul,” Morris said, referring to Christie’s remark that Paul and other privacy advocates are dangerous. “The governor now believes that citizens are, in fact, entitled to their privacy and should be not subject to warrantless surveillance.”
“Governor Christie would like to note,” Morris added, “that his change of heart has nothing to do with any voice recordings of the governor that his detractors might claim to possess.”
Over the weekend, a source from within the NSA leaked thousands of hours of ludicrous and embarrassing voice recordings of a man claimed to be Christie. The authenticity of the recordings has not yet been verified, it is important to note. However, many people familiar with the New Jersey Governor say the voice heard on the recordings definitely sounds like him, right down to the orotund vocality and incessant breathlessness.
Ana Wetzel, a linguist at Penn State, said the speaker definitely has a Lower Hudson Valley accent, tinged with the slightest bit of “turnpike tonality.”
“That could be very well be Mr. Christie, given his upbringing in Livingston, New Jersey,” Wetzel said.
The leaked audio recordings are an ironic contrast to comments made last week by Christie, who was attending a forum in Colorado. He denigrated privacy advocates and fellow Republicans like Rand Paul as representing a “dangerous” strand of libertarianism. The NSA, he implied, is serving a vital role in the fight against terrorism by spying on US citizens in the United States.
The leaked recordings of the man purported to be Christie suggest he has been the target of intense monitoring by federal agencies since sometime around 2007. Unlike the average citizen who might be spied upon without reasonable cause, however, Christie has been the subject of various fraud and corruption investigations.
The recordings contain the following:
Libertarian groups are asking the public to not search online for the recordings, out of respect for personal privacy but also because the average citizen is “no less tangled in the mind” than Governor Christie and likely has just as many “heated dialogues with imaginary foreign quadrupeds” as he does.
One Washington D.C. insider called it “a funny, but rather creepy, trend.” Dozens of congressional Democrats have been spotted toting tiny, animated dolls of their party’s most iconic figures.
“I was briefing [Representative] Bobby [Rush] about an upcoming vote, and I heard a voice that wasn’t his saying, ‘no, no, no,’” said an aide who asked not to be named. “I looked around, but we were alone. I asked if it was his phone. He turned away and pulled open his jacket pocket and said, ‘be quiet Ted, I’m busy’. It was weird.”
The aide thought Rush was trying to be funny, but her curiosity was piqued.
“I told the story to another staffer,” she said, “and he told me not to worry. It was just Bobby’s Lil’ Ted [Kennedy]. I thought he was joking.”
As it turns out, Rush is just one of dozens of congressmen who are rumored to tote a miniature animated doll. Around a foot long, the dolls have been seen sticking out of the pockets and briefcases of many Washington Democrats. The D.C. gossip blog Wonkette say the dolls are a “must-have” among the party’s elite.
“It was a little uncanny at first,” said a waiter at The Monocle, a restaurant frequented by congressmen. “You’ll be taking an order and some senator’s Lil’ Woodrow Wilson will say, ‘take the crab cakes — they’re divine.’ But you get used to it. Sometimes I don’t even ask the congressman what he wants. I’ll directly ask Lil’ Woodrow.”
Origin of the dolls unknown
While many Democrats are known to possess a lil’ icon, their provenance is unknown. Neither Amazon nor eBay lists them in their catalogues, and when this article went to press, no Washington shops were known to carry the item. One thing is certain, however: having a lil’ icon can demonstrate a congressman’s loyalty to his party and its tenets.
Julia Bertram, a syndicated political fashion writer, said that for many Democrats these days, it’s not about how many bills you sponsor, but it’s which doll you have that gives you gravitas on Capitol Hill.
“It’s a little like high school,” she said. “You’ll find out that Dianne Feinstein has a Lil’ FDR in her purse. You’ll see her speaking to it during a judiciary committee hearing. You’ll hear it saying cool things like, ‘don’t be like those Constitution fetishists.’ And you’ll snicker and want a Lil’ FDR of your own. You’ll beg and plead with your parents. But by the time you get one, all the other Democrats have them, too. Then someone will show up with a awesome new Lil’ Jimmy [Carter] and you’ll want it.”
Fashion or useful?
Not every lawmaker who totes a lil’ icon sees it as a fashion accessory. Many legislators have come to rely on the dolls’ sage advice regarding political matters.
“Sometimes I get into heated discussions, and my interlocutor will have me cornered,” said one representative who asked not to be named. “You know, there might a gun bill, and I’ll think, ‘yeah, I like that idea. Ban guns.’ Then whomever I’m arguing with will bring up the Bill of Rights stuff and I think, ‘oh crap.’ That’s when my Lil’ Bill [Clinton] will come to the rescue. He’ll say, ‘buddy, we did it in ‘94 and the Supreme Court didn’t stop us. We can do it again.’ He really comes in handy.”
Other lawmakers keep the dolls with them as a source of inspiration on rainy days. Even some Republicans have hopped on the bandwagon.
“There are times when some of my colleagues from the GOP put up fierce resistance, say, to a massive immigration bill,” said one senior senator from Arizona. “So I have a Lil’ LBJ to carry with me. He knew what it was like to face opposition from within your own party. Isn’t that right, my friend.”
“You betcha,” said a deep voice from inside the senator’s briefcase. “F*** them.”
In a hastily-organized press conference Tuesday, New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner admitted to again being involved in “offensive and salacious” behavior. The admission came in response to a post on a gossip website by an unidentified woman who claimed she and Weiner had sent explicit messages online as far back as 2012. Some sources are indicating that Weiner posted photos of his genetalia.
This latest “sexting” occurred several months after Weiner resigned from Congress because of a similar scandal in 2011 involving lewd photos and messages sent via Twitter.
Standing next to his wife, Weiner addressed the room full of reporters.
“I would like to say that yes, I engaged in behavior that was wrong. I am sorry for that,” Weiner said. “It is not fair to the people of New York nor to my wife, who has always stood by me.”
“But in my defense, I stuck to my word. When I resigned from Congress, I swore to you that more lewd material involving me would be released. And I stand here before you today to say this: I kept my promise.”
“And I want to humbly ask the good people of New York City to give me another chance,” he said, frequently taking his wife’s hand. “Please continue giving me support in my campaign to be your mayor. If elected, I promise that more sexy and embarrassing material will be made available to satiate the public’s bestial hunger for scandal.”
Opinion among political commentators has been mixed. Ed Schultz of MSNBC, a former strong voice of support for the disgraced candidate, said Weiner “would be too busy as mayor to find time to photograph his penis.” Roy Edroso of the Village Voice wrote that he believed Weiner should be the Democrats’ choice, because in any case, “he’ll have dozens of aides — many of them young, hot chicks — who will help Weiner fulfill his promise.”
Preliminary polls are showing that Weiner’s support among his democratic base has dropped significantly, while support among stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts has risen.
The public demands an apology, would like to know on which site the photos can be viewed
Across the nation, outrage about this most recent scandal has been growing. From the blogosphere to the nation’s op-ed pages, everyday citizens are voicing their disgust.
“There are three things that guy needs to do,” said Olivia Juhl, who runs a sandwich shop in Utah. “First, he needs to apologize to his wife. Second, he needs to apologize to his supporters.”
“The third thing he needs to do,” she said, “is tell us where we can see the photos. I mean, are they still on that blog or whatever? Is he going to tweet them? Or what? That creep.”
Democratic supporters cite a “conspiracy” against the candidate, google “Weiner penis photos” just to see if allegations are true
“I don’t buy any of it,” said Adeline Kilgo, a Weiner supporter and Manhattan resident. “There’s so much at stake in this mayor’s race. I don’t trust Weiner’s enemies, that Bill de Blasio, and that Catsimatidis guy is shady, if you ask me. I believe this whole thing was a setup. The anonymous woman, the messages and photo of Weiner’s you-know-what. It’s probably all fake.”
“But I’m still sort of curious if the story might be true,” Kilgo added. “I wonder if I could google the photos of his — you know. Just to be sure. I don’t trust his [Weiner’s] opponents.”
WASHINGTON – Top lawmakers are meeting today to vote on whether to push forward a bill that would ban noises from guns.
“We’re not attempting to ban guns,” said Sen. Kristen Gillibrand, D-N.Y. “What we want to do is simply ban the noises associated with guns. You know, the bangs and whizzes and all that.”
The bill, which would make producing an audible report from a gun a federal offense, has been called by some as an attack on the Second Amendment.
“You can’t fire a gun and not make noise,” said Mark Hansen, spokesman for the guns-rights group Save Our Arms. “It’s physics. And since silencers aren’t one-hundred percent effective, this bill will essentially take away our Second Amendment Rights in one fell swoop.”
Proponents of the bill point to its wording, which states that “the right to own and discharge firearms” won’t be modified. The bill would merely impose a ban on making “soul-sullying” noises with weapons.
The bill has also set off alarms in the ammunition industry. “This is madness,” said Loretta Muntz, CEO of On Target, the nation’s fourth largest ammunition manufacturer. “What’s the point of having guns if you can’t shoot them?”