Power & Privilege
News from Washington D.C. and other centers of power where brave politicians and expert bureaucrats do what's best for us -- because they can
WASHINGTON — Saying that he cannot work in an environment full of women who are merely competent in their jobs, President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Washington-area hottie Candy McKitten, 22, as secretary of office.
“Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning in professional attire, manicured nails, and at the interview she kept calling me Mr. T,” Trump said. “I mean, how cute is that?”
Sources say that McKitten is not only nice to look at, but she also does that thing where she absentmindedly traces the outline of her full lips with a pen while reading emails, which is just, oh man.
Former Secretary of Office Bunny Godwin, 46, who served under President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 1995, says that few people realize how difficult it is to work for a demanding president.
“You can’t just be any sweet ass with a smile to match,” Godwin said. “You’ve got to be totally dedicated to your role. Come in with torn stockings or a cold sore and bam — you’re gone.”
McKitten graduated from Virginia Community College with an associate’s degree in psychology, according to her LinkedIn profile. In high school she was a varsity volleyball player and was voted by her senior class as Nicest Pair of Legs. For the last three years she has been practicing yoga, which insiders say was the deciding factor in giving her the job.
Donald Trump, the nation’s recently ascended führerpreneur, has been holding victory rallies just like Adolph Hitler did in the 1930s, according to a friend who just last week watched the first part of a really good History Channel documentary about World War II.
“Look at Trump standing there on a stage, talking in a microphone while his supporters cheer like a bunch of Nazis,” said David McGovern, 28, watching a video clip of Thursday’s Ohio event. “That’s right out of the Hitler playbook, you know, say things that crowds want to hear, make them start clapping and whooping — some real Third Reich shit. Gives me the chills.”
“Look man, anyone with an elementary knowledge of history knows Trump’s next move will be to order his people to wear colored armbands so they can all recognize each other, then he’s going to make them swear allegiance to him,” McGovern said. “That is, if go with the example set by Hitler, which we should because he’s the most known and hated dictator in modern history, which makes my shaky claims all the more resonant.”
“And Steve Bannon is Goebbels, not that I’d expect you to know who Goebbels is, but if you watch this documentary, you’ll totally understand,” he added.
McGovern went on to predict that after his January inauguration, Trump will dispatch his brownshirts to beat up Vox readers, smash the windows of locally owned organic food shops, and make large, fraudulent takeaway orders to Mexican restaurants.
Editor’s note: After minutes of extensive Googling, we confirm that this article contains the first documented usage of the the word “führerpreneur,” which means that those letters, in that order, belong to us. Any unauthorized or otherwise uncredited use of “führerpreneur” will result in expressions of severe disapproval.
“Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other eateries that specialize in grilled, broiled and pan-fried cuts of beef,” Trump said on Monday.
While the appointment of Christie — long seen as a dining establishment figure — is being applauded by moderates in the GOP and steakhouse waitstaff everywhere as a smart choice, more conservative Republicans are fuming.
“Do Americans really want the federal government telling them where to find the juiciest ribeye, when everyone knows that it’s Delmar’s Grill in downtown Houston?” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We don’t need Governor Christie and unelected Washington bureaucrats telling us that tenderloins are the best cuts when folks around here know that t-bones are mighty fine.”
Sources predict that Christie’s first move will be to update the Department of Steak’s website so that more Americans will to able to easily find out where a man can get a decent dry-aged porterhouse around here. Also, Christie will likely implement new rules requiring steakhouses to provide comically oversized bibs to every adult who requests one, and to award t-shirts that say “I Ate The Biggest Cut” to any customer who finishes a 72-ounce steak and three side dishes in under an hour, according to sources.
A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips.
Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the content of the “Dear Abby” columns appearing in her local newspaper, the Tewksbury Tribune, had for several days been uncharacteristically mean-spirited and clumsily worded.
Local police turned the investigation over to the FBI, who went on to discover that for weeks and in newspapers all across the country, Phillips’s actual advice had been replaced by the writings of an imposter.
The agency soon determined that hackers inside Russia got into the servers of dozens of U.S. print newspapers and news sites, ensuring that the fake replies to readers who had asked for help would be printed instead of the actual, helpful ones approved by Phillips’s editor.
“For weeks, I thought that my beloved Dear Abby had gone off the deep end, especially when she advised a depressed mother from Memphis to leave her family, quit her job, and begin a furious social media campaign to let the world know that Hillary Clinton was behind the 9/11 attacks and has the mark of the beast tattooed on her left buttock,” said Pawlak, a longtime reader.
Forensic linguist Paul E. Glossia, who specializes in Slavic languages and completed a PhD dissertation examining the Russian president’s awkward love letters to his ex-wife, Lyudmila, says he has “no doubt” that Putin himself composed all the fake “Dear Abby” replies, which as of today number at 28.
“Here’s a guy who was so bent on getting Donald Trump elected, he took time off from supervising military drills in Crimea to infiltrate our country and violate the most sacred of relationships in America, that between an advice columnist and her loyal readers,” Glossia said.
What remain to be determined, however, is if these forgeries really did influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Look at the Oct. 17, 2016 “Dear Abby” column and decide for yourself.