ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America.
Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. After getting evicted from Zuccotti Park along with hundreds of others, for several months he travelled around the country, exchanging handmade hemp bracelets and necklaces for food and lodging. For the next several years, he steadfastly refused to be a willing participant in an exploitative economy of any sort, preferring instead to live in his parents’ garage, continuing the struggle for revolution by posting all-caps messages in news article comments sections.
However, after getting kicked off his parents’ insurance plan last month due to age restrictions and deciding that he wanted to buy a new MacBook, he was persuaded by his stepmother Margot to apply for the teller position, which she had heard about from her best friend, Debbie, who holds a checking account with the local Bank of America branch.
“I went in for an interview with the local capitalist overlord, Mr. Drake, who ended up being pretty nice, considering his role in the enslavement of the 99 percent,” Saleh said. “He agreed to hire me, but made me promise not to liberate my coworkers during business hours.”
Saleh says that among his other duties, he will greet customers, cash checks, process deposits and withdrawals, and accept loan payments. Additionally, he will be tasked with encouraging customers to sign up for a credit card.
“If I get 500 customers to sign up for a Mastercard, I win a pocket watch,” he said. “I’m going to have it engraved with the slogan ‘The Revolution May Take Longer.’”
Saleh says he is quite pleased with the terms of his employment, which include three weeks of paid vacation, a health insurance plan, and contributions toward a retirement fund. Still, he is vowing to stay with Bank of America only until he saves enough to purchase 50 acres of land in the Yukon or the global economy collapses — whichever happens first.
“Also, the revolution needs to be funded, and what better way than by siphoning off the one-percenters’ money, one bi-monthly paycheck of $1215 at a time,” he said.
There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.”
“We don’t enjoy this intervention, not ever so slightly, it’s just that your health concerns us so mightily.”
I moved on to her thighs, which were all bone, then ate her calves and feet. Her midsection was a little better, but her insides tasted of nothing but coffee and multivitamins. Did this girl never eat?
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