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Falling forward faster

Peasantry

Stories from that vast nothingness between the East Coast and the West Coast

Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank teller

October 28, 2016

Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank tellerROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America.

Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. After getting evicted from Zuccotti Park along with hundreds of others, for several months he travelled around the country, exchanging handmade hemp bracelets and necklaces for food and lodging. For the next several years, he steadfastly refused to be a willing participant in an exploitative economy of any sort, preferring instead to live in his parents’ garage, continuing the struggle for revolution by posting all-caps messages in news article comments sections.

However, after getting kicked off his parents’ insurance plan last month due to age restrictions and deciding that he wanted to buy a new MacBook, he was persuaded by his stepmother Margot to apply for the teller position, which she had heard about from her best friend, Debbie, who holds a checking account with the local Bank of America branch.

“I went in for an interview with the local capitalist overlord, Mr. Drake, who ended up being pretty nice, considering his role in the enslavement of the 99 percent,” Saleh said. “He agreed to hire me, but made me promise not to liberate my coworkers during business hours.”

Saleh says that among his other duties, he will greet customers, cash checks, process deposits and withdrawals, and accept loan payments. Additionally, he will be tasked with encouraging customers to sign up for a credit card.

“If I get 500 customers to sign up for a Mastercard, I win a pocket watch,” he said. “I’m going to have it engraved with the slogan ‘The Revolution May Take Longer.’”

Saleh says he is quite pleased with the terms of his employment, which include three weeks of paid vacation, a health insurance plan, and contributions toward a retirement fund. Still, he is vowing to stay with Bank of America only until he saves enough to purchase 50 acres of land in the Yukon or the global economy collapses — whichever happens first. 

“Also, the revolution needs to be funded, and what better way than by siphoning off the one-percenters’ money, one bi-monthly paycheck of $1215 at a time,” he said.

A woman fat-shamed me on the subway. So I ate her.

October 24, 2016

A woman fat shamed me on the subway. So I ate her. There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.”

Can you believe that crap? I gave her that “I had a long freaking day so don’t mess with me” look, thinking she’d go back to reading “Carrot Sticks Monthly,” but no. She cupped her hands around her mouth and continued her oration to the whole subway car.

“Ladies and gentleman, those who wish to help me along, a proper fat-shaming this glutton needs, so please join me in song.”

I’d read about fat-shaming, but I had never experienced it. It felt bad.

 

subway_3“We dainty ladies get by with salad and toast, yet for an afternoon snack, this pig eats a whole roast.”

By now, other passengers were taking out their earbuds and paying attention. I am not in the mood for your performance art, I told her with my eyes. Plus, her rhyme scheme sucked.  

“It’s no secret how one stays so gorgeously lean, just don’t start your day with 16 pints of ice cream.”

 

People were snickering. And yeah, a couple of punk-ass teenagers were singing along.  Someone was recording a video. Great, just my luck. And would any of them have cared if I’d mentioned that today, of all days, I’d just begun a diet?

 

“Do you like eating burgers, twelve in one sitting? Here, dress yourself in this king-sized bed sheet, the look is quite fitting.”

Yeah, I was getting pissed off alright, giving Miss Twiggy a serious case of skank eye, but funnily enough, all that food talk was making me hungry.

New York fat-shaming “We don’t enjoy this intervention, not ever so slightly, it’s just that your health concerns us so mightily.”

That got everyone nodding. Smug jerks. All I could think was, damn, I wish I had a bag of Funions.

“What will you do now, will you heed this warning? Or will you go back to stuffing your face with 12 donuts each morning?”

Sure, there wasn’t an ounce of meat on her scrawny legs, and her anorexia breath was nauseating, but there was something rather yummy-looking about her bare midriff. And her sinewy neck. The way her tendons quivered each time she belted out a line reminded me of buffalo wings.

“Hey you, Miss Two-Ton, what do you say? Will you start taking better care of yourself this very day?

 

I wouldn’t normally think of binging in public, but my stomach was begging for a little morsel. I grabbed her by her skinny waist, held her sideways like a hotdog, and chomped into her ribs.

 

“Ouch, hey, stop, that hurts quite a bit. What do you think I am, a human banana split?”

She smelled like rotting kale and she didn’t taste all that good, but you know how it goes. Once you start with snacks, you can’t stop till you finish the whole bag.

“Even if you devour me in front of this crowd, I will continue to shame you, and shame you out loud.”

Fat-shaming public I moved on to her thighs, which were all bone, then ate her calves and feet. Her midsection was a little better, but her insides tasted of nothing but coffee and multivitamins. Did this girl never eat?

“Heart disease, diabetes, depression and strokes: just a few of the consequences of obesity, really, no joke.”

 

Her arms weren’t much better, nor did her chest offer much flesh. But I couldn’t give up, now that I was so close to being done.

 

“I was just a kind stranger who just wanted merely to help out, but sure, just forget it. I hope that after eating me, you develop a nasty case of gout.”

I popped her head into my mouth and didn’t even chew. Bad habit, but the train was at my stop, and I know that it’s not good to eat on the run.

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate

October 10, 2016

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debateOfficials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to lay claim to the slop inside,” is said to have been the nastiest televised event since President George H.W. Bush vomited on the Japanese prime minister Kiichi Miyazawa in 1992.

“I was looking forward to a crazy, no-holds-barred smackdown,” said Florida resident Gareth Coburn. “But sometime in the middle, I got the feeling of being covered with bile. I showered for a whole hour, went through two bottles of industrial-strength horse shampoo, and I still can’t get rid of the stench.”

In California, where years of droughts have already left many regions without adequate water reserves, 73 counties declared states of energy after not a single drop was left when the debate concluded around 7:30 p.m. PST.

“Ugh,” said San Jose State University student Lindsey Gwak, who with dozens of other freshmen leapt into a campus pond after discovering that their entire dorm had no water. “Gross. Ick. Yuck. Ach.”

The Presidential Debate Commission is advising those victimized by the mudslinging between Clinton and Trump to abstain from watching the third and final debate on Oct. 19, and to instead participate in wholesome activities like attending an underground cockfighting match or watching reruns of “Jerry Springer.”

The Red Cross, the Salvation Army, and other relief organizations are setting up temporary shower stations in many areas for people who continue feeling dirty, even hours or days after the event.

Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump

September 22, 2016

Hipster to vote for Trump, but ‘ironically’ A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.”

“At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said artisan donut shop employee Thom Paulson, who owns a cat named Reginald Henrick van Furrybrow IV and was the first of his friends to get a barcode tattoo nearly 12 years ago.

“Then I was like, okay, everybody hates Hillary, so it would be really original to start supporting her, because, she’s like so old and out of touch, so I did the Hillary thing awhile,” he said. “But now my Sandernista friends are all like, rah, rah, Hillary, first woman president, blah blah, anything to stop Trump, so I’m like, okay, I’ve been saying that since last year.”

“This alt-folk guitarist from Finland and I were talking, and he was like, literally everyone in your country hates Donald Trump, so we started wondering what it would be like to, like, be at a party and say, hey, I’m voting for Trump, and then not crack a smile or anything for like the whole night, till the end when everyone’s all upset and then be like, just joking.”

“Then, I met this chick at a bar in Wicker, and we started talking about music and our favorite bad 80s sitcoms, and then she was like, I love the 80s, and I’m voting for Trump, all serious-like. At first I was like, you’re full of shit, but then she didn’t waver, and the next time I saw her, she was wearing a Trump t-shirt. She’s really into it.”

“I’m thinking that I should start telling people that I support Trump too, because I don’t know anyone else who is saying that right now,” he added. “Yeah, I’ll totally vote for him. Wouldn’t that be so ironic?”

Man seriously injured after letting rattlesnake in his ass hole

September 22, 2016

 

Man seriously injured after letting rattlesnake in his ass hole PIEDRAS NEGRAS, Mexico — A 45-year-old farmer from the north of the country was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after sustaining injuries when he let a venomous snake enter his ass hole.

The hole, a six-foot-deep covered pit that Fernando Diaz-Culo sometimes uses as a stable for his burros, measures forty feet in diameter and contains water and feeding troughs.

After leaving his boots unattended while airing his feet on Monday, Diaz-Culo found that a snake had taken up residency in one of them. Not wanting to kill the legless reptile, he dumped it out and it promptly slithered into his dark ass hole.

Fearful that the snake would spook the burros, Diaz-Culo ventured into the pit to retrieve it, but it was too late. Diaz-Culo received numerous kicks to the head and chest, knocking him unconscious.

A family friend later identified the snake as a Mojave rattler, whose bite is considered the most venomous among rattlesnakes.

“I can’t believe [Diaz-Culo] let such a dangerous snake into his ass hole, because he’s really protective of it, even if it does need a good cleaning,” said Rafael Nargas, who lives nearby. “One time, when it was empty, I wanted to put one of my roosters into it, just for a few hours until it calmed down and stopped fighting with the others.”

“But Fernando saw me and got all angry, came running out of his house and said, ‘Never put a cock in my ass hole.’”

Dandy Goat Latin America correspondent Ricardo Ultimo says that this was the second time this month that a resident of the state of Coahuila has been injured in such a freak incident involving a donkey. In May, a bus driver left his vehicle to shoo away a burro that was blocking traffic. The angry quadruped reared up on its hind legs and delivered a powerful blow, what the driver later described as “one hell of a ferocious donkey punch.”

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