The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]
Peasantry
Stories from that vast nothingness between the East Coast and the West Coast
Heartbreaking: teenager dies of shame in Santa’s arms
December 16, 2016 By
MEMPHIS — In a story that is almost too sad to publish, a shopping mall Santa Claus from Tennessee was able to hold a teenage girl on his lap for a few minutes before she died of shame. Christie Dirk, 13, was shopping at Oak Crest Mall with her parents and two younger brothers on […]
‘Hamilton diner’ just going to order for whole table
December 12, 2016 By
WACO, Texas — A self-described “Hamilton diner” has taken it upon himself to ignore the wishes of everyone at his restaurant table and order for them. Chris Runsup, 34, who was tasked on Saturday with making a reservation at the Blue Mesa Grill for himself and 10 friends, explained to the waitress that he takes […]
Safety pin turns white hipster into Martin Luther King Jr.
November 18, 2016 By
NEW YORK — An online content manager who bravely decided to wear a safety pin has turned into Martin Luther King Jr., according to hundreds of witnesses. Seth Keating’s amazing transformation occurred on Thursday afternoon, moments after the 27-year-old read on Upworthy that displaying the small metal item on your clothes makes you a champion for […]
Trump voter struck by awful realization 16-foot ladder taller than 15-foot wall
November 9, 2016 By
ALTOONA, Pa. — A longtime supporter of President-elect Donald Trump was said to have woken up from a post-victory slumber early Wednesday morning “extremely agitated” after realizing in a dream that an everyday ladder might be used to scale a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. “What good is a 15-foot-tall wall with Mexico […]
Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank teller
October 28, 2016 By
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America. Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. […]
A woman fat-shamed me on the subway. So I ate her.
October 24, 2016 By
There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.” Can you believe that […]
Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate
October 10, 2016 By
Officials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to […]
Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump
September 22, 2016 By
A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.” “At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said […]
Man seriously injured after letting rattlesnake in his ass hole
September 22, 2016 By
PIEDRAS NEGRAS, Mexico — A 45-year-old farmer from the north of the country was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after sustaining injuries when he let a venomous snake enter his ass hole. The hole, a six-foot-deep covered pit that Fernando Diaz-Culo sometimes uses as a stable for his burros, measures forty feet in diameter […]
Grandmother earns $6.7 million by helping Nigerian prince
September 21, 2016 By
OMAHA — A 74-year-old grandmother of six from Kearny has become rich overnight thanks to a generous Nigerian prince who had requested her aid in a financial matter. Beverly Gorkin, a retired librarian who has lived in this rural farming community all her life, was surprised last month when she received a personal email […]
Victimized friends obliged to ‘like’ old profile photo for 100th time
September 20, 2016 By
Panic broke out among the Facebook friends of Nadine Booker, a Houston-area teacher who on Monday scrapped her profile photo and reverted to an old one, marking the 100th time she has done that. By Tuesday morning, 138 out of 144 friends had “liked” the photo, yet most admit having done so only out […]
Awww! Woman finds adorable Pokémon in alley next to own neglected children
July 12, 2016 By
CROWN POINT, Ind. — Pokémon enthusiast and mother Jill Cakewalker, 36, says that she was “astounded” after Pokémon Go led her to an alley miles from home where she found her own children — whom she had forgotten to feed for a full three days after becoming obsessed with the hit game over the […]
‘Chewbacca Mom’ arrested for mauling stormtrooper
July 6, 2016 By
HOUSTON — Amid fits of maniacal laughter and indecipherable Wookiee speak, the woman known as “Chewbacca Mom” was arrested on Wednesday afternoon on suspicion of nearly chewing off the face of a man wearing a stormtrooper costume. Houston Police Department spokesperson Sgt. Darren Law says that the victim, dressed in the plated white uniform […]
Angry mob of perfect mothers lay siege to home of Cincinnati zoo mom
June 2, 2016 By
CINCINNATI — With flaming non-toxic safety torches in their hands and their pockets stuffed with fun, healthy snacks for their accompanying children, up to 150 perfect mothers have laid siege to the home of the Ohio woman whose toddler tumbled into a gorilla enclosure last weekend. The mob is demanding that the rotten mother […]
OMG cute! High school elects unwitting jock as prom queen
May 20, 2016 By
WEERDVILLE, Ohio — By electing senior Tyler Desilva, 18, as prom queen, students at Freeman High School in this Cleveland suburb proved that transphobia has no place in public education. “I’m shocked,” said Desilva, clearly touched, after the announcement was made on the school PA system during second period on May 6. “Seriously, I […]
Obama threatens to send federal troops to escort North Carolina man into girls’ restroom
May 11, 2016 By
HICKSVILLE, N.C. — Comparing North Carolina’s House Bill 2 — the so-called bathroom bill — to segregationist laws of the Jim Crow era, President Obama is threatening to send federal troops to escort firefighter and father of three Gus Shaftman, 34, into the girls’ restroom at his daughter’s school. Shaftman, who last year began to […]
A rich white man said he ‘owned’ a waitress. Other customers were like ‘uh-uh.’
May 10, 2016 By
Thomas Conley is a retired patent attorney and grandfather of four who in April went to a North Omaha Applebee’s, accompanied by two friends who are also rich white men. Conley complained to a passing hostess that his cheeseburger was “cold and nearly raw” — a typical baseless complaint from rich white men who are […]
Touching: fan offers tribute to Prince by paying for his music
April 27, 2016 By
ST. LOUIS — A Missouri man is honoring Prince in the most emotionally moving way possible: by paying to listen to the late singer’s music. Prince fan Kevin Fenske, 41, says that over the years he has downloaded “six or seven” albums, hundreds of hours of bootlegged concert videos, and that only last month […]
Local pothead totally forgot today was 4/20
April 20, 2016 By
METAIRIE, La. — A local pothead was delighted upon learning that today was April 20, otherwise known as 4/20, the date on which marijuana smokers honor Lord Cannabis by building altars to his minion Budderick, the pagan deity of cheese-flavored snack foods. “Oh man, you’re telling me that — man, you’re telling me that […]
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