• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • About Dandy Goat

Dandy Goat

Falling forward faster



Best of the original Dandy Goat 2013-2016

Mad political scientist crosses Hillary Clinton with Donald Trump

March 28, 2016

Freak: Mad political scientist crosses Hillary Clinton with Donald TrumpAmerica, meet Trillary Hump, your next president.

Working in an abandoned laboratory at a discredited college in Oklahoma, a political scientist has successfully crossed presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to create what experts are calling “the perfect, unstoppable freak.”

Nearly nine feet tall and weighing just under 600 pounds, the juggernaut will employ a potent combination of intimidation, flattery, demagoguery, and flat-out underhandedness to woo the vast swath of voters known as “the disgustingly uninformed,” according to Tad Elwood, its creator, who unveiled the monster during a TEDx event in Oklahoma City on Saturday.

“My creature doesn’t need to eat or drink because it’s entirely ego-driven,” Elwood said at the event attended by some 20,000 people who were lured in with promises of free balloons, a giant effigy burning and endless calls to put the country back on track.

“Trillary Hump stands for Main Street, for Wall Street, for the working classes, the upper classes, and for everyone in between,” Elwood said to wild cheering. “I promise you that if elected, Trillary Hump will take America back from itself — to give America back to itself.”

Trillary — who has not yet learned the nuances of delivering stump speeches — roared and leapt into the air, landing on all fours, almost breaking the stage. 

Although the monster continuously exudes a foul odor from its butt and is known to spew acidic bile without warning, Elwood says that it will appeal to every voter who simply wants a leader skilled at pointing at others while shouting. Also, with a large hump on its back, Trillary can function as a water storage unit in case of drought.

“I hadn’t planned on attending this rally or whatever, but I was walking by and overheard a crowd being whipped into a fit of righteous indignation, so I thought I’d check it out,” said Samantha Zeeland, a real estate agent from Tulsa. “I’d have to say that I’m very impressed with the way this candidate has totally demonized everyone who’s not currently in the room.”

“Jump the Hump,” she was later observed chanting. “Jump the Hump.”

Despite having shot to the top of every major general election poll within hours of its unveiling, Hump is not impressing everyone. American Academy of Political Scientists president Stan Tuss-Kwo says that the country must take a stand against the engineering of mutant candidates, and he is pleading for Hump to be stopped before it devours all the remaining Democratic and Republican delegates and grows too powerful to be killed by leaders from either party.

“Trillary Hump represents an existential threat to our country and to our two-party system,” Tuss-Kwo said. “Yet somehow it has managed to convince everyone that it’s the sensible choice.”

“On second thought, now that I’ve heard Hump speak, I’m beginning to undestand the appeal,” he said. “Yes, Hump recognizes that I’m belittled and ignored by the ruling classes, but that I’m actually the heart and soul of this country, and that I should be afforded nothing less than the riches and glory I deserve.”

“Oh, most sanctimonious of populists, oh source of grand insults to your critics and granter of praise to your devoted following, may you continue to lavish me with magical buzzwords,” he added. “Trillary Hump for president, lest this nation fall.”

Elwood, who claims to have been secretly working on Hump since President Obama was reelected in 2012, is a disgraced academic who was kicked out of the AAPS more than 15 years ago. He allegedly conducted what some call “wicked” experiments on college freshmen, brainwashing them into voting for Green Party candidate Ralph Nader in 2000 by having them listen to continuous loops of Democratic candidate Al Gore snoring.

Hillary celebrates primaries sweep by eating bowl of gravel

March 16, 2016

 

Hillary celebrates primaries sweep by eating bowl of gravel WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Amid jubilant cheers and cries for her to deliver a speech in the wake of her victories in four state primaries on Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared on a stage in front of thousands of supporters and ate a bowl of gravel.

The former senator and secretary of state sat for several minutes looking out at the crowd as cheers died down in expectation of the candidate’s proclamations. Instead, she spooned gravel from a bowl into her mouth and leaned into the microphone so that everyone could hear her effective, strong mastication.

When one supporter whooped and shouted “let’s celebrate,” Clinton gave a signal to a member of the security staff who tased the perplexed woman and escorted her out.

After a grueling 20 minutes in which the only sounds were those of the Democratic frontrunner crushing small stones into pebbles, Clinton opened her mouth to reveal that several of her teeth had been broken and that her gums were bleeding, prompting one staffer to pass out.

“I am not displeased,” she finally said before handing the bowl and spoon to a Secret Service agent and disappearing off stage.

This is not the first time that a major candidate has accepted victory in such a stoic manner. In 2004, then-senator John Kerry celebrated his win over Democratic rival Howard Dean in the New Hampshire primary by going without shoes for a whole week. At the Republican National Convention in 1996, Republican nominee Bob Dole poured honey over his arms and ordered his campaign manager to cover them with fire ants.

Local student returns from mock presidential run to complete senior year

March 16, 2016

Marco Rubio goes back to high school to complete senior year

MIAMI — Saying that spending time on the campaign trail was “super fun” and that he learned a lot about “politics and stuff,” South Florida student Marco Rubio has returned to high school to complete his senior year.

Rubio had been given an opportunity afforded to few youngsters: the chance to participate in a mock run for the U.S. presidency, complete with granting interviews to journalists, participating in televised debates, and giving impassioned speeches to hundreds of out-of-work actors dressed up as supporters.

Just a handful of students are chosen each year to participate in the Road to the White House program that aims to get more young people excited about the electoral process.

AP U.S. Government and Politics teacher Renata Goldwyn, whose glowing letter of recommendation for Rubio caught the eye of the program’s selection committee, says that although everyone in the school was thrilled to watch the National Honor Society student hold his own against veteran politicians, they are happy to have him back.

“Class just wasn’t the same without him,” Goldwyn said. “He’s that kid with the tough questions and golden smile. He’s going to go places, I’m sure.”

Upon Rubio’s return the lawns of South Miami High School, a young man in Beats headphones and wearing a black backpack leapt on Rubio, causing both to tumble into the grass.

“Bro, I haven’t seen you in forever,” said the boy, Lorenzo Ortega, a fellow senior and one of Rubio’s best friends. “We were all cheering you on, saying ‘thump the Trump, thump the Trump.’”

“That’s was crazy,” he added. “You honestly started a ‘whose dick is bigger war’ with the guy who might be the next president.”

School principal Adrianne Cucombre says that an assembly will take place during fourth period next week in which Rubio will talk about his experience, answer questions from other students, and literally be chased by Republican donors and GOP leaders demanding their fucking money back.

Sanders accused of using campaign funds to buy pair of socks

January 19, 2016

 

Sanders accused of using campaign funds to buy pair of socksIn a scandal that could derail his presidential ambitions just days before primaries begin, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) stands accused of using campaign funds to purchase socks he discovered in an Alabama department store bargain bin.

According to reports, on Tuesday Sanders browsed the menswear department in a Birmingham-area Sears for more that 20 minutes while a sales associate answered his questions. The senator then settled a pair of navy blue cotton socks that had been marked down from $3.99 to $1.99.

“Senator Sanders has been doing a lot of walking while on the campaign trail, and his socks didn’t hold up,” the Sanders 2016 assistant deputy social media coordinator Kyle Pinkerton told the Dandy Goat. “After consulting with his team, he took the decision to make an emergency visit to the mall.”

Rouge says that Sanders has two credit cards in his wallet, a personal card from the Vermont Citizens Bank, and another from the People’s Bank of Vermont, where his campaign funds are deposited.

“Bernie simply got confused,” Pinkerton said. “He’s on his way back to Sears this very moment to return the item.”

A representative of Sears says that the company will be happy to provide Sanders with a refund, as long as he provides a receipt and that the socks show no sign of having been worn.

While the incident is expected to damage the candidate’s reputation as an honest everyman, some commentators say that most voters are willing to overlook accusations of misspending if they strongly agree with a candidate’s positions. 

In October, a spokesperson for Hillary Clinton admitted that the candidate had been using campaign funds to purchase a weekly supply of fresh goat’s blood, which the 68-year-old former secretary of state is said to drink every morning to remain youthful and invigorated. The day after the story broke, Clinton’s poll numbers actually rose three points.

Long before Barbie, Raggedy Ann was promoting an unrealistic body image

December 15, 2015

By the 1930s, young women — desperate to look like Raggedy Ann — were gluing cotton sheets to their faces and surgically implanting colorful yarn in their scalps.

Decades before Barbie led generations of young girls to believe that beautiful women had fixed elbows and breasts with no nipples, a simple rag doll was already promoting unrealistic standards of beauty.

Ninety years ago, the popularity of Raggedy Ann was moving girls to take drastic measures to attain her simple, girl-next-door looks.

While most people turned a blind eye to the epidemic of facial disfigurement, a few brave social reformers labored to educate the public about just how dangerous Raggedy Ann really was.

Featured below is an opinion piece from 1925 written by pioneering body image activist Sarah K. Bowman, whose great-granddaughter Alexis Bowman is launching a Kickstarter campaign to raise money to manufacture Flarbie: the overweight, socially conscious, gluten-free non-Barbie doll for today’s girls.

Before Barbie, Raggedy Ann created unrealistic standards of beauty of girls

  • « Go to Previous Page
  • Go to page 1
  • Interim pages omitted …
  • Go to page 3
  • Go to page 4
  • Go to page 5
  • Go to page 6
  • Go to page 7
  • Interim pages omitted …
  • Go to page 13
  • Go to Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Follow us and get more smarter!

Follow Us on FacebookFollow Us on TwitterFollow Us on Instagram




Goth Hillary Dandy Goat

I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate