Best of the original Dandy Goat 2013-2016

Six easy ways to end rape culture

June 8, 2016

With public outrage growing over the paltry six-month sentence handed down to a Stanford University student who was convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious drunk woman, many are blaming “rape culture” for what seems to be a widespread, casual acceptance of rape. While we may be at a loss to explain what, precisely, rape culture is, that doesn’t mean that we can’t get rid of it. Dandy Goat moral indignation correspondent Richard Omega interviewed Victoria N. Pedestal, author of “How to End Rape Culture in Six Steps,” who explained just that.

Stop sending our sons to summer rape camp

This might seem obvious, but many families still think that summer rape camp is an integral part of growing up. I remember the year that my own brother went to rape camp in the Pocono Mountains. Before he left, he was really into the idea of consent. He even asked for my permission to give me a hug when we dropped him off at the train station. When he returned home at the end of the summer, he was a veritable rapist. Tragic.

Remove pro-rape literary works from public school curricula

It’s time that canonical pro-rape works like Hemingway’s “Rape Is Good” and Shakespeare’s “Many a Rapes Doth a Man Make” are forever removed from English classrooms, no matter how important some say these novels and plays are. The other day, I caught my seventh-grade daughter reading the classic pro-rape poem called “She Deserved It.” When I asked her where she got such drivel, she said that her teacher had asked the whole class to write an essay about how the poem speaks to fundamental truths. Awful.

Petition Congress to get rid of National Rape Day and replace it with a more deserving federal holiday

Every first Wednesday of October, Americans stay home from work and school to celebrate National Rape Day. Sure, a lot of people don’t even rape each other on this day, and more and more businesses are deciding to remain open for Rape Day sales. Still, the message to people is clear: rape is part of our culture. Horrible.

Pressure Hollywood to stop making movies celebrating rapists as heroes

Most of what comes out of Hollywood these days is decidedly pro-rape. Chances are, the last movie you watched featured a male protagonist who goes around remorselessly raping women, much to the delight of other characters in the movie. And television is no better. With everyone watching shows like “Raping with the Stars” and “Rape and Recreation,” it’s no wonder why rape is so widely accepted. Unacceptable.

Close down campus rape clubs

On almost every college campus, you can find rape clubs, some of them dating back to the 1760s. At my alma mater, Penn State, there were no fewer than 16 rape clubs, and worst of all, some were even open to having female members and officers. My freshman roommate even dated the president of one of these rape clubs. Needless to say, he was a repugnant rapist. Disgusting.

Make rape illegal

Some people might argue that outlawing rape constitutes an invasion of the privacy between two or more people engaged in a very intimate act, but such measures are necessary to extinguish rape culture. Think about it: if you’re a man and you’re considering raping a woman this evening, wouldn’t the fear of a few years in jail deter you? Unless you’re a total psychopath, which few rapists are, I’ll bet the answer is yes. We already take a stand against murder, theft, and tax evasion by making these activities illegal, so why not do the same with rape? Indeed.

Obama threatens to send federal troops to escort North Carolina man into girls’ restroom

May 11, 2016

HICKSVILLE, N.C. — Comparing North Carolina’s House Bill 2 — the so-called bathroom bill — to segregationist laws of the Jim Crow era, President Obama is threatening to send federal troops to escort firefighter and father of three Gus Shaftman, 34, into the girls’ restroom at his daughter’s school.

Shaftman, who last year began to undergo hormone replacement therapy and asked friends and family to use female pronouns when addressing him, says that earlier this month, he was watching his 11-year-old daughter Ashley play basketball against a rival school when he felt the need to pee.

“When a lady’s gotta go, she’s gotta go,” Shaftman explained to the Dandy Goat’s public restroom policy expert Dr. Cortessi Flush. “So I walked into the little girls’ room, found an empty stall, lifted the seat, and drained the old weasel.”

That’s when school janitor Dim Whit, who moved to the U.S. from Laos in 2008, saw several girls hurrying out of the restroom.

“I told Mr. Shaftman, you cannot do pee-pee in that one,” he said. “You use other bathroom, like sign says.”

School principal Billy Hilliard agreed, and when Shaftman refused to exit the six-toilet restroom, local police forcibly removed him, citing the recently passed law that requires individuals to use bathrooms that correspond to their sex as stated on their birth certificate.

Shaftman was let off with a warning and compliments on his dress, but he says that his dignity as a woman has been attacked, and he is considering pressing sexual assault charges against the officer who wrapped his arms around where Shaftman’s breasts will eventually be implanted.

U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch says that the actions of school officials and the Hicksville Police Department violate Titles IX, XVI, XLVII and MCMXI, according to a Justice Department memo sent to Principal Hilliard earlier this week.

In a television address on Wednesday, President Obama described Shaftman as a modern-day Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr. rolled into one.

“If these backwards Southern hillbillies don’t wake up and realize that this is the year 2016 and not 2013, I will pick up my phone and order soldiers from the 101st Airborne Division into Hicksville Elementary School to escort Mr. Shaftman into the girls’ bathroom,” Obama said. “And they will stand guard over him as he stands there taking a long, natural piss, as is any woman’s right.”

Clinton: I’ll release Wall Street transcripts when Sanders discloses speech to Vermont cycling club

May 9, 2016

Facing unrelenting pressure to release transcripts of speeches she made to Goldman Sachs in 2013 — for which she was paid $675,000 — Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton says that she will act when her opponent, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, does the same.

“In 2007, Bernie Sanders was invited to speak at a second-hand bicycle sale and gear swap organized by the Burlington Cycling Association,” Clinton said on Monday at a fundraiser event organized by socialite Franklin J. Dubbles. “Nearly 10 years later, we still don’t know what he said on that day.”

“Did he make promises at this secretive little gathering to push for more pro-cycling legislation?” she said. “Bike lanes on every interstate? Free helmets for children from low-income families? We simply don’t know.”

The Democratic frontrunner and former secretary of state says that Americans also have the right to know how Sanders was dressed while delivering his speech to the cycling club nine years ago.

“Senator Sanders, I implore you to tell voters what were you wearing on that day,” she said. “Your everyday, ill-fitting two-piece suit that you pulled from a bargain bin at T.J. Maxx, or did you put on some nut-hugging lycra shorts to prove you were ‘one of them’?”

A spokesperson for the Sanders campaign has admitted that the two-term senator received up to three free cups of coffee and chauffeur service in a bike taxi for his appearance, but that transcripts will never be released because the speech was less than a minute long and consisted mostly of grunts and uncontrolled gesticulations.

Will the Bernie Bra put an end to inequality? Short answer: hell yes

April 25, 2016

Left-leaning fashionistas are going crazy for the hottest new accessory, a free undergarment called the Bernie Bra.

Woven from locally sourced organic hemp, the full-cup brassiere is reminiscent of the cumbersome harnesses that women in the 1960s burned to show their dissatisfaction with being viewed as horses in need of a bridle, so the item will undoubtedly be a huge hit with hipsters who are always looking back for tomorrow’s big thing.

The bra’s designer, Dandy Goat publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, says that the Bernie Bra serves aesthetic, practical and political functions.

“Anyone can wear this handsome thing, not just women or those who’ve transitioned to that thin slice of the gender spectrum pie,” he said. “Half the gentlemen I know are fat schlubs with man tits anyway, and everyone else can use the Bernie Bra to store things like cranberries, body lotion and USB power packs.”

“And because the Bernie Bra is free, literally anyone can afford it, which proves that our country is finally getting around to fixing equality,” he said. “No longer will working-class single mothers be forced to shoplift two coconut shells and a bit of twine from Hobby Lobby just to keep their boobs from sagging to their ankles.”

When asked who will pay for the 50,000 or so Bernie Bras that have already been pre-ordered, Dubbles says that this question illustrates how the federal government is failing.

“In Sweden, underwear of every kind is free, giving the people leisure time to play the mandolin and go skydiving, rather than worry about how they’re going to scrape together 200 krona for simple lace panties,” he said. “Even developing countries like Venezuela make sure that every woman gets a free bra manufactured from recycled egg cartons and undies made from discarded tissue paper.”

Dubbles says that members of Congress should come together to pass legislation ensuring that every American man and woman has access to a Bernie Bra.

“They pay sugar farmers to grow sugar and teachers to teach, so why not pay bra makers to make bras?” he said. “Last I heard, we spent 68 trillion dollars on a helicopter that doesn’t even work, and do we really need to send another person to Mars?”

“Let’s withdraw troops from the Middle East and sign a treaty to end this awful war with ISIS,” he added. “Our nation’s breasts are hanging the balance, and if we don’t act now, we may find ourselves in a real slump.”

Clinton and staff fly to next stop

April 20, 2016

NEW YORK — Amid loud proclamations that her Democratic rival is all but vanquished, a beaming Hillary Clinton departed from New York on Wednesday, celebrating her primary win in the state and promising to devour remaining delegates “like a griffin plucking the last sinews from the bones of a long-dead mermaid.”

“Onward we fly to where the delegates lie,” she told reporters at LaGuardia Airport, as 100 or so creatures of the night hovered around her. “Let no man, woman or beast stand in our way.”

“Hie thee hither, and hie thee yon,” she said before boarding her private jet and being whisked away into the sky, flanked by six or seven of her closest fire-spitting aides and trailed by hundreds of winged volunteers who have joined her in recent weeks with the promise of warm blood.

Political analysts predict that because Clinton’s total delegate count stands at 1862 — nearly 700 ahead of rival Bernie Sanders — the Vermont senator might resort to what his campaign advisors call the nuclear option: making an issue of the fact that Clinton hasn’t been observed sleeping in nearly six months, and that cups of hot coffee reportedly freeze in her hands.