Best of the original Dandy Goat 2013-2016

Obama threatens to send federal troops to escort North Carolina man into girls’ restroom

May 11, 2016

HICKSVILLE, N.C. — Comparing North Carolina’s House Bill 2 — the so-called bathroom bill — to segregationist laws of the Jim Crow era, President Obama is threatening to send federal troops to escort firefighter and father of three Gus Shaftman, 34, into the girls’ restroom at his daughter’s school.

Shaftman, who last year began to undergo hormone replacement therapy and asked friends and family to use female pronouns when addressing him, says that earlier this month, he was watching his 11-year-old daughter Ashley play basketball against a rival school when he felt the need to pee.

“When a lady’s gotta go, she’s gotta go,” Shaftman explained to the Dandy Goat’s public restroom policy expert Dr. Cortessi Flush. “So I walked into the little girls’ room, found an empty stall, lifted the seat, and drained the old weasel.”

That’s when school janitor Dim Whit, who moved to the U.S. from Laos in 2008, saw several girls hurrying out of the restroom.

“I told Mr. Shaftman, you cannot do pee-pee in that one,” he said. “You use other bathroom, like sign says.”

School principal Billy Hilliard agreed, and when Shaftman refused to exit the six-toilet restroom, local police forcibly removed him, citing the recently passed law that requires individuals to use bathrooms that correspond to their sex as stated on their birth certificate.

Shaftman was let off with a warning and compliments on his dress, but he says that his dignity as a woman has been attacked, and he is considering pressing sexual assault charges against the officer who wrapped his arms around where Shaftman’s breasts will eventually be implanted.

U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch says that the actions of school officials and the Hicksville Police Department violate Titles IX, XVI, XLVII and MCMXI, according to a Justice Department memo sent to Principal Hilliard earlier this week.

In a television address on Wednesday, President Obama described Shaftman as a modern-day Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King, Jr. rolled into one.

“If these backwards Southern hillbillies don’t wake up and realize that this is the year 2016 and not 2013, I will pick up my phone and order soldiers from the 101st Airborne Division into Hicksville Elementary School to escort Mr. Shaftman into the girls’ bathroom,” Obama said. “And they will stand guard over him as he stands there taking a long, natural piss, as is any woman’s right.”

Clinton: I’ll release Wall Street transcripts when Sanders discloses speech to Vermont cycling club

May 9, 2016

Facing unrelenting pressure to release transcripts of speeches she made to Goldman Sachs in 2013 — for which she was paid $675,000 — Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton says that she will act when her opponent, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders, does the same.

“In 2007, Bernie Sanders was invited to speak at a second-hand bicycle sale and gear swap organized by the Burlington Cycling Association,” Clinton said on Monday at a fundraiser event organized by socialite Franklin J. Dubbles. “Nearly 10 years later, we still don’t know what he said on that day.”

“Did he make promises at this secretive little gathering to push for more pro-cycling legislation?” she said. “Bike lanes on every interstate? Free helmets for children from low-income families? We simply don’t know.”

The Democratic frontrunner and former secretary of state says that Americans also have the right to know how Sanders was dressed while delivering his speech to the cycling club nine years ago.

“Senator Sanders, I implore you to tell voters what were you wearing on that day,” she said. “Your everyday, ill-fitting two-piece suit that you pulled from a bargain bin at T.J. Maxx, or did you put on some nut-hugging lycra shorts to prove you were ‘one of them’?”

A spokesperson for the Sanders campaign has admitted that the two-term senator received up to three free cups of coffee and chauffeur service in a bike taxi for his appearance, but that transcripts will never be released because the speech was less than a minute long and consisted mostly of grunts and uncontrolled gesticulations.

Will the Bernie Bra put an end to inequality? Short answer: hell yes

April 25, 2016

Left-leaning fashionistas are going crazy for the hottest new accessory, a free undergarment called the Bernie Bra.

Woven from locally sourced organic hemp, the full-cup brassiere is reminiscent of the cumbersome harnesses that women in the 1960s burned to show their dissatisfaction with being viewed as horses in need of a bridle, so the item will undoubtedly be a huge hit with hipsters who are always looking back for tomorrow’s big thing.

The bra’s designer, Dandy Goat publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, says that the Bernie Bra serves aesthetic, practical and political functions.

“Anyone can wear this handsome thing, not just women or those who’ve transitioned to that thin slice of the gender spectrum pie,” he said. “Half the gentlemen I know are fat schlubs with man tits anyway, and everyone else can use the Bernie Bra to store things like cranberries, body lotion and USB power packs.”

“And because the Bernie Bra is free, literally anyone can afford it, which proves that our country is finally getting around to fixing equality,” he said. “No longer will working-class single mothers be forced to shoplift two coconut shells and a bit of twine from Hobby Lobby just to keep their boobs from sagging to their ankles.”

When asked who will pay for the 50,000 or so Bernie Bras that have already been pre-ordered, Dubbles says that this question illustrates how the federal government is failing.

“In Sweden, underwear of every kind is free, giving the people leisure time to play the mandolin and go skydiving, rather than worry about how they’re going to scrape together 200 krona for simple lace panties,” he said. “Even developing countries like Venezuela make sure that every woman gets a free bra manufactured from recycled egg cartons and undies made from discarded tissue paper.”

Dubbles says that members of Congress should come together to pass legislation ensuring that every American man and woman has access to a Bernie Bra.

“They pay sugar farmers to grow sugar and teachers to teach, so why not pay bra makers to make bras?” he said. “Last I heard, we spent 68 trillion dollars on a helicopter that doesn’t even work, and do we really need to send another person to Mars?”

“Let’s withdraw troops from the Middle East and sign a treaty to end this awful war with ISIS,” he added. “Our nation’s breasts are hanging the balance, and if we don’t act now, we may find ourselves in a real slump.”

Clinton and staff fly to next stop

April 20, 2016

NEW YORK — Amid loud proclamations that her Democratic rival is all but vanquished, a beaming Hillary Clinton departed from New York on Wednesday, celebrating her primary win in the state and promising to devour remaining delegates “like a griffin plucking the last sinews from the bones of a long-dead mermaid.”

“Onward we fly to where the delegates lie,” she told reporters at LaGuardia Airport, as 100 or so creatures of the night hovered around her. “Let no man, woman or beast stand in our way.”

“Hie thee hither, and hie thee yon,” she said before boarding her private jet and being whisked away into the sky, flanked by six or seven of her closest fire-spitting aides and trailed by hundreds of winged volunteers who have joined her in recent weeks with the promise of warm blood.

Political analysts predict that because Clinton’s total delegate count stands at 1862 — nearly 700 ahead of rival Bernie Sanders — the Vermont senator might resort to what his campaign advisors call the nuclear option: making an issue of the fact that Clinton hasn’t been observed sleeping in nearly six months, and that cups of hot coffee reportedly freeze in her hands.

Trump campaign in damage control mode after accidental nice tweet

April 11, 2016

Donald Trump’s campaign is frantically trying to lure back supporters after the presidential candidate tweeted a photo of a kitten snuggling with a fawn.

“We are all God’s children,” the tweet read. “Let’s treat each other with compassion and respect. Love is key!”

Even though the tweet was quickly deleted, by Monday morning screenshots of the shocking message were already making rounds on the internet, and while some Trump supporters were trying to justify the candidate’s disturbing behavior, others were vowing to discontinue their support.

“Donald Trump really had me convinced that he was a solid egomaniac fueled by equal parts rage and pride, and that’s what I liked about him,” said Landon Crunk, a retail manager from Minnesota. “But now I’m having second thoughts about pledging my eternal loyalty to him.”

Northern California beekeeper and Trump supporter Molly Sapp suspects that the Twitter account was hacked by agents working for the Illuminati, Republican opponent Ted Cruz, or the powerful illegal immigrant lobby.

“I don’t buy it,” Sapp said. “My beloved Donald would never sink so low as to tweet something so utterly heartwarming and bereft of vindictiveness.”

Alaska Facebook enthusiast Carl Fulblatter, who has shared over 12,000 pro-Trump memes since early last year, says that it’s important to carefully examine the photo before concluding that Trump’s rhetoric has softened.

“Those critters aren’t cuddling,” he said. “The cat’s about two seconds away from ripping out the deer’s throat, obviously.”