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Best of the original Dandy Goat 2013-2016

Triumph for gender equality: Saudi Arabia approves 16 emoji for women

September 29, 2016

 

Saudi Arabia approves 16 emoji for womenWomen in the conservative kingdom of Saudi Arabia are well on their way to enjoying the same rights as their male counterparts when it comes to hot new tech trends.  

The Agency for the Promotion of Technology for Slow Persons, which oversees the use of computers and electronic devices by the kingdom’s estimated 15 million women, girls, and other imbeciles, announced on Wednesday that it has received approval for 16 new female-friendly emojis for use in social media and text messaging services.

“Women may now convey a wide range of emotions when they electronically communicate with their husbands, male family members, or other women,” said agency spokesman Khalid bin Faisbouk al Watsap. “From submissiveness to contentment, devotion to obedience, these 16 veiled faces express them all.”

Emoji for Saudi and other conservative Muslim womenA special task force of religious scholars spent nearly four years researching the permissibility of emoji for women. A Jeddah-based design firm was then chosen to create the 16 images, and, after a short, 18-month wait to get approval from the country’s highest religious council, the king’s closest vizier signed off on the order allowing the emoji to be put into use.

“All my wives are delighted,” said Riyadh car dealership owner Abdul H. “They always used to say, how can we easily tell one another how modest we are feeling right now? How can we let our husband know that we remain chaste in his absence, without the hassle of composing a whole text message?”

“Now, it’s easy for them, at least on those days when I grant them access to their one shared cell phone,” he said.

Dandy Goat technology correspondent Richard Omega was dispatched to Saudi Arabia last week to ask women on the street for their reactions to the new emoji, but he has not been heard from since then.

Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump

September 22, 2016

Hipster to vote for Trump, but ‘ironically’ A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.”

“At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said artisan donut shop employee Thom Paulson, who owns a cat named Reginald Henrick van Furrybrow IV and was the first of his friends to get a barcode tattoo nearly 12 years ago.

“Then I was like, okay, everybody hates Hillary, so it would be really original to start supporting her, because, she’s like so old and out of touch, so I did the Hillary thing awhile,” he said. “But now my Sandernista friends are all like, rah, rah, Hillary, first woman president, blah blah, anything to stop Trump, so I’m like, okay, I’ve been saying that since last year.”

“This alt-folk guitarist from Finland and I were talking, and he was like, literally everyone in your country hates Donald Trump, so we started wondering what it would be like to, like, be at a party and say, hey, I’m voting for Trump, and then not crack a smile or anything for like the whole night, till the end when everyone’s all upset and then be like, just joking.”

“Then, I met this chick at a bar in Wicker, and we started talking about music and our favorite bad 80s sitcoms, and then she was like, I love the 80s, and I’m voting for Trump, all serious-like. At first I was like, you’re full of shit, but then she didn’t waver, and the next time I saw her, she was wearing a Trump t-shirt. She’s really into it.”

“I’m thinking that I should start telling people that I support Trump too, because I don’t know anyone else who is saying that right now,” he added. “Yeah, I’ll totally vote for him. Wouldn’t that be so ironic?”

Enough is enough: let’s end cock-shaming

August 30, 2016

Anthony Weiner: let’s end cock-shaming

Another day, another story of a powerful, egomaniacal woman telling her stay-at-home husband what he can or cannot do with his own body. In this case, I was the victim, but this wasn’t the first or even the second time. It wasn’t even the 475th time.

For countless years, I suffered daily spousal abuse. Practically every morning and evening, my wife told me that my manhood belonged to her. Can you imagine how I felt? My self-esteem was crushed. I saw my own penis as nothing but a piece of property to which I didn’t even hold the deed.

Sometimes I’d be standing at the toilet in the middle of the night, peeing and crying. “Don’t you worry, lil’ weener,” I’d say to it, looking down. “One day, you and I will be free.”

Well that day is today. I’m breaking out of my chains and I ain’t never going back. To my former oppressor, I say this: who do you think you are, the Cockmaster General? Is your name and contact information written in permanent marker on my tallywhacker? Can you show me proof of purchase?

I stand before the world and declare: my body belongs to me and me alone, and if I want to take photos of my penis and send them via text message to women I scarcely know yet who seem genuinely interested in me and whatever sort of heat I’m packing, that’s my decision.

Guilt guilt guilt, shame shame shame. That’s all society wants me and other cock-wielders to feel. And why? So that we stay creeping in the shadows? So that we’re made to feel as though we are lesser citizens?

We men have to stand up for ourselves and demand an end to the practice of cock-shaming. Today, not tomorrow. Let’s not hang our heads, but rather stand up tall and erect and declare today to be Cock Pride Day.

And it’s not just women who cock-shame us. What’s really disturbing is that some men cock-shame other men. That’s how ingrained into our psyches the oppression really is. Do you know how many guys over the years have said things to me like, Tony, bro, you should stop sending photos of your dick to that person you met online who claims to be a stripper. You’re married. It’s weird.

Well I think they’re weird.

When I was a toddler, before I was manipulated into accepting society’s hypocritical standards, I used to be a veritable cock-swinger. Why, I’d show my penis to just about anyone, no matter the circumstances. It was something I truly enjoyed. But then, in the second grade, Mrs. Dimpledort told me to put it away, threatening to whack my Wee Willie Winkie with a yardstick. And so I kept it hidden, in the dark recesses of my Jockey shorts, for the next 45 years, thinking that I was doing the “right” thing.

But hello, it’s the year 2016, not 1866, when a man could scarcely refer to his penis as his “little travelling one-man circus” without getting judged by his peers, let alone take a photo of it and send it via Pony Express to a lady in California for their mutual amusement and/or arousal. But today is different, and just as we don’t stand for body-shaming of any sort, we must not stand for cock-shaming.

To my former oppressor, I offer you the the immortal words of Beyoncé: if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.

Anthony Weiner is a former congressman from New York and an unrepentant cock-swinger

‘Kill me now,’ a possessed Sanders begs after endorsing Hillary

July 11, 2016

 

‘Kill me now,' a possessed Sanders begs after endorsing Hillary

Hissing that the camera lights were burning his eyes, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) appeared with Democratic rival Hillary Clinton on Monday to announce the end of his presidential ambitions and plead for party unity. 

“There is no Bernie,” Sanders managed to say between clenched teeth after several minutes of strained attempts to communicate. “Only Hillary.” 

The announcement at a New Hampshire fundraiser comes just weeks ahead of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, calming fears that Sanders would attempt to lead an uprising against Clinton, whose support among the party’s superdelegates far surpasses his own. 

When Clinton staffers approached Sanders to dab the spittle from the corners of his mouth and escort him off stage, the Vermont senator’s eyes rolled back into his head and he fell into a hysterical fit.

“Kill me now,” Sanders pleaded in what was later identified as an arcane dialect of Latin, gnashing at the staffers who were by then hogtying him to a wooden beam. “End this torment.”

Nadia Loeb, a professor of political science and researcher of the occult, says that Sanders’s decision to support the presumptive nominee is not surprising given the nightmare he’s found himself in ever since he decided to run for president against an establishment favorite.

“Any candidate, no matter how committed to bridging the gap between the rich and the poor, can only take so many nightly visits from a cadre of winged Democratic operatives who appear in his closet and under his bed to threaten him with eternal immolation,” Loeb said. “Yes, Senator Sanders faced tough opposition in Congress in his day, but that’s nothing compared to the Dantean horror of making enemies with a Clinton and the thousand demons who work at the behest of the Clinton dynasty.”

Six easy ways to end rape culture

June 8, 2016

 

Six easy ways to end rape culture

With public outrage growing over the paltry six-month sentence handed down to a Stanford University student who was convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious drunk woman, many are blaming “rape culture” for what seems to be a widespread, casual acceptance of rape. While we may be at a loss to explain what, precisely, rape culture is, that doesn’t mean that we can’t get rid of it. Dandy Goat moral indignation correspondent Richard Omega interviewed Victoria N. Pedestal, author of “How to End Rape Culture in Six Steps,” who explained just that. 

Stop sending our sons to summer rape camp

This might seem obvious, but many families still think that summer rape camp is an integral part of growing up. I remember the year that my own brother went to rape camp in the Pocono Mountains. Before he left, he was really into the idea of consent. He even asked for my permission to give me a hug when we dropped him off at the train station. When he returned home at the end of the summer, he was a veritable rapist. Tragic.

Remove pro-rape literary works from public school curricula 

It’s time that canonical pro-rape works like Hemingway’s “Rape Is Good” and Shakespeare’s “Many a Rapes Doth a Man Make” are forever removed from English classrooms, no matter how important some say these novels and plays are. The other day, I caught my seventh-grade daughter reading the classic pro-rape poem called “She Deserved It.” When I asked her where she got such drivel, she said that her teacher had asked the whole class to write an essay about how the poem speaks to fundamental truths. Awful.

Petition Congress to get rid of National Rape Day and replace it with a more deserving federal holiday

Every first Wednesday of October, Americans stay home from work and school to celebrate National Rape Day. Sure, a lot of people don’t even rape each other on this day, and more and more businesses are deciding to remain open for Rape Day sales. Still, the message to people is clear: rape is part of our culture. Horrible.

Pressure Hollywood to stop making movies celebrating rapists as heroes

Most of what comes out of Hollywood these days is decidedly pro-rape. Chances are, the last movie you watched featured a male protagonist who goes around remorselessly raping women, much to the delight of other characters in the movie. And television is no better. With everyone watching shows like “Raping with the Stars” and “Rape and Recreation,” it’s no wonder why rape is so widely accepted. Unacceptable. 

Close down campus rape clubs 

On almost every college campus, you can find rape clubs, some of them dating back to the 1760s. At my alma mater, Penn State, there were no fewer than 16 rape clubs, and worst of all, some were even open to having female members and officers. My freshman roommate even dated the president of one of these rape clubs. Needless to say, he was a repugnant rapist. Disgusting. 

Make rape illegal 

Some people might argue that outlawing rape constitutes an invasion of the privacy between two or more people engaged in a very intimate act, but such measures are necessary to extinguish rape culture. Think about it: if you’re a man and you’re considering raping a woman this evening, wouldn’t the fear of a few years in jail deter you? Unless you’re a total psychopath, which few rapists are, I’ll bet the answer is yes. We already take a stand against murder, theft, and tax evasion by making these activities illegal, so why not do the same with rape? Indeed.

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