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Best of the original Dandy Goat 2013-2016

Last veteran of the Napoleonic Wars dies

August 6, 2014

Last remaining veteran of the Napoleonic Wars dies
Harpin, in 2005, being honored by French president Jacques Chirac.

He was funny and affable, and he could impress anyone with his anecdote about seeing a French soldier get lashed 20 times for referring to Empress Josephine as “Horse Face.”

Jean-Yves Harpin, the last remaining veteran of the Napoleonic Wars, has died at the age of 218, according to his nurse.

In 1812, while only 16 years old, Harpin joined as a conscript Napoleon’s Grande Armée. He participated in the failed invasion of Russia, and he nearly died of typhus on the return to his village near Camboulit, in southwest France. For the next several decades, he led a quiet life as a farmer, but was again recruited in 1870 to fight against the Prussians in northeast France, where he was hit by cannon fire and lost his leg. He spent the remaining 144 years on his farm, living off his military pension.

Family members say Harpin enjoyed playing cards, amusing friends by cursing in a now-extinct Occitan dialect, and recounting the time in 1943 when a Nazi officer mistook him for a plundered Egyptian mummy.

Harpin is preceded in death by his wife, Etiennette, their six children,15 grandchildren, 42 great-grandchildren, 143 great-great-grandchildren, 493 great-great-grandchildren, 1304 great-great-grandchildren, and 3098 great-great-great-grandchildren. He is survived by his 9092 great-great-great-great-grandchildren.

 

Same-sex wedding guests afraid to eat cake baker was forced to make

June 6, 2014

Same-sex wedding cake Colorado baker spoof parodyDENVER — Guests at the wedding of Jeremy Chandler and Daniel Nguyen are so far refusing to eat cake, even though it appears there is nothing wrong with it, according to sources.

The three-tiered buttercream cake, adorned with candy computers and stethoscopes to reflect the two grooms’ professions, was the result of a state court case against a local baker who had originally declined to make a cake for a same-sex marriage on the grounds it would conflict with his religion.

“The cake looks good, but I am stuffed from eating too many salmon rolls,” said Sarah Hoffer, Chandler’s best friend from high school who observed the unfriendly baker deliver the cake early in the morning.

“I’m on a diet,” said Nguyen’s uncle Lee, “and I can’t have any carbs, but as far as I can tell it looks like normal wedding cake.”

By the end of the wedding at 1 a.m., the newlyweds were wondering if they should freeze some of the still-uneaten cake, or if they should just drop it off at the homeless shelter the next morning.

 

LGBTQIA community adopting three more letters

March 31, 2014

LGBTQIACAC LBGT LGBTQ LGBTQIA spoof parody funny acronym initials abbreviation satire t-shirtA spokesperson for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex and Asexual (LGBTQIA) community has announced that starting next month, three more initials will be adopted.

After May 1, the community’s official designation will include the letters CAC to reflect the inclusion of three emergent identities: confused, apathetic and cynical.

Inclusion of initial S, standing for either “straight” or “standard,” was rejected in a 177-2 vote.

The “confused” category includes those who do not fall into a fixed gender category, but are confused by all the initials. “Apathetic” is someone who was formerly confused, but has accepted that he or she lacks the impulse to investigate the matter further. The “cynical” category — first mentioned in a 2010 article in the Journal of Gender Studies — includes those who should identify with one initial or another, yet who stubbornly refuse.

After May 1, all official LGBTQIACAC communications, office supplies like letterhead, as well as sponsored t-shirts and mugs will reflect the change.

Blacking out your teeth is not funny

November 5, 2013

How to black our your teeth? Not funny, says parent. Once upon a Halloween, children would innocently pat flour on their cheeks, giving themselves a fun, vampire-like hue. Some youngsters would even spend their nickels and dimes on a jar of ghoulish green face paint — the final touch in a spooky Frankenstein outfit.

Nowadays, youngsters all across the country are blacking out their teeth — not just one or two, but entire rows. If you don’t believe me, then you’re obviously not watching “The Today Show.”

Why would anyone allow their children to black out their precious teeth? Does no one remember the time before modern dental care, when by the age of ten few people had anything but pink gums to show? I vividly remember being a child at large Thanksgiving dinners, and I was roundly congratulated for being the only one with teeth.

There’s nothing funny about Thanksgiving without turkey — just mashed potatoes, and more mashed potatoes. What laughs can be found by mocking those who have lost their vital means of mastication?

In the past, a young person had to steal his mother’s eyeliner, or his father’s shoe polish, to black out his teeth. Nowadays, every Walmart and neighborhood costume shop offers non-toxic black teeth paint. If you go online, you can order theatrical black enamel that keeps our children’s beautiful teeth black for days on end.

The worst part is that this practice is no longer just for Halloween. Teenagers all across the country are secretly blacking out their teeth before heading off to school. They think they’re being rebellious. “Look at me,” they’re trying to say. “I’m so cool and grown-up that my teeth fell out.”

I’ve read that some teenagers are are throwing “black-teeth parties” in which they take drugs, listen to dubstep, and gargle black house paint. One truly demented individual even created a website dedicated to photos of scantily-clad female partygoers — with not just their teeth blacked out, but their tongues as well.

We parents need to take a stand and say enough is enough. If you have children, hide your black shoe polish. Throw out your eyeliner. Inspect your children for blueish gums — telltale signs. If you sense they have been blacking out their teeth, talk to them. Show them old photos and remind them that until around the year 1920, people didn’t have teeth, not like we have today. If they were lucky, they had little nubs that resembled nothing more than lumpy, infected gums.

We must tackle this problem together. Our children’s teeth are the future, and the future should be bright.

Leah Kidwell is a concerned parent from Orlando, Florida. 

NPR listeners unable to ignore tornado victim’s grammatical blunder

June 20, 2013

NPR2OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – While being interviewed for a local NPR affiliate, tornado victim Dwight Lundgren caused outrage with his disregard for correct English. “I never seen a tornado like this before,” he said, looking at the empty lot where his two-bedroom house once stood.

Listeners flooded npr.org just moments after the interview aired with comments ranging from mild annoyance to rage. “Is this real?” one listener wrote. “I mean, does the guy even know about the present perfect? Sickening.”

Later in the interview, Lundgren expressed shock over the twister, which devastated much of the city and left more than twenty people dead. “This happened twice before,” he said, “and it was unconceivable that it happened again.”

The interviewer, thirty-six-year-old Rachel Hawking, can be heard whispering “inconceivable” while Lundgren goes on to explain how the tornado also destroyed his truck. “I ain’t got nothin’ else,” he added.

“What’s happened in Oklahoma with the tornados and so on is sad,” one NPR listener wrote. “But can’t these people at least try to not sound like caricatures of Okies? I know, I know. They lost their homes and all that, but still.”

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