• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • About Dandy Goat

Dandy Goat

Falling forward faster



Best of the original Dandy Goat 2013-2016

Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron

December 7, 2016

Russian behind fake U.S. news awfully good at sounding like Uncle RonINDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed.

“It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious deaths to the Clintons contains the same misspellings and grammatical errors as those in an email Uncle Ron sends the whole family about once a year,” said niece Rachelle, 25, who studies Slovenian folk dancing at Purdue University. “Those Russians have totally mastered how write like an average Midwesterner who dropped out of school at age 16 to work in a parts factory.”

After years of training to be able to copy the syntax and diction of Uncle Ron, 42, the Russians likely spend months following InfoWars, the Drudge Report, and Indianapolis talk-radio host Kevin Landon — known to WVPQ listeners as “The Freedom Guy” — as the fake news articles that undoubtedly tipped the outcome of the election are sprinkled with references to all three.

Not only have the Russians learned how to write in the same style as Uncle Ron, but they have mastered his idiosyncratic rules of capitalization and seemingly random punctuation use.

“Who else writes that the Clinton Foundation is ‘a global Syndicate of pedo’s and Crook’s; who’s real Master is Agenda 21’ (sic) except for Uncle Ron?” niece Rachelle said. “Very astute Russians hellbent on putting a former game show host in the White House, that’s who.”

Uncle Ron, who has been unemployed since 2013 and blames his misfortune on the cabal of bankers and globalists who run world, the Clintons chief among them, has coincidentally boasted about his “citizen reporting” and last year purchased the web domains usapatriotinfo.net and clintonnewsreport.us, both of which have since been shut down after being threatened with a libel suit.

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office

December 2, 2016

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office WASHINGTON — Saying that he cannot work in an environment full of women who are merely competent in their jobs, President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Washington-area hottie Candy McKitten, 22, as secretary of office.

“Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning in professional attire, manicured nails, and at the interview she kept calling me Mr. T,” Trump said. “I mean, how cute is that?”

Sources say that McKitten is not only nice to look at, but she also does that thing where she absentmindedly traces the outline of her full lips with a pen while reading emails, which is just, oh man.  

Former Secretary of Office Bunny Godwin, 46, who served under President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 1995, says that few people realize how difficult it is to work for a demanding  president.

“You can’t just be any sweet ass with a smile to match,” Godwin said. “You’ve got to be totally dedicated to your role. Come in with torn stockings or a cold sore and bam — you’re gone.”

McKitten graduated from Virginia Community College with an associate’s degree in psychology, according to her LinkedIn profile. In high school she was a varsity volleyball player and was voted by her senior class as Nicest Pair of Legs. For the last three years she has been practicing yoga, which insiders say was the deciding factor in giving her the job.

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steak

November 28, 2016

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steakPresident-elect Donald Trump served up his latest Cabinet appointment on Monday, announcing he had chosen New Jersey governor Chris Christie to be secretary of steak.

“Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other eateries that specialize in grilled, broiled and pan-fried cuts of beef,” Trump said on Monday.

While the appointment of Christie — long seen as a dining establishment figure — is being applauded by moderates in the GOP and steakhouse waitstaff everywhere as a smart choice, more conservative Republicans are fuming.

“Do Americans really want the federal government telling them where to find the juiciest ribeye, when everyone knows that it’s Delmar’s Grill in downtown Houston?” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We don’t need Governor Christie and unelected Washington bureaucrats telling us that tenderloins are the best cuts when folks around here know that t-bones are mighty fine.”

Sources predict that Christie’s first move will be to update the Department of Steak’s website so that more Americans will to able to easily find out where a man can get a decent dry-aged porterhouse around here. Also, Christie will likely implement new rules requiring steakhouses to provide comically oversized bibs to every adult who requests one, and to award t-shirts that say “I Ate The Biggest Cut” to any customer who finishes a 72-ounce steak and three side dishes in under an hour, according to sources.

Expert: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice swayed US elections

November 25, 2016

Experts: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice influenced U.S. electionsA language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips.

Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the content of the “Dear Abby” columns appearing in her local newspaper, the Tewksbury Tribune, had for several days been uncharacteristically mean-spirited and clumsily worded.

Local police turned the investigation over to the FBI, who went on to discover that for weeks and in newspapers all across the country, Phillips’s actual advice had been replaced by the writings of an imposter.

The agency soon determined that hackers inside Russia got into the servers of dozens of U.S. print newspapers and news sites, ensuring that the fake replies to readers who had asked for help would be printed instead of the actual, helpful ones approved by Phillips’s editor.

“For weeks, I thought that my beloved Dear Abby had gone off the deep end, especially when she advised a depressed mother from Memphis to leave her family, quit her job, and begin a furious social media campaign to let the world know that Hillary Clinton was behind the 9/11 attacks and has the mark of the beast tattooed on her left buttock,” said Pawlak, a longtime reader.

Forensic linguist Paul E. Glossia, who specializes in Slavic languages and completed a PhD dissertation examining the Russian president’s awkward love letters to his ex-wife, Lyudmila, says he has “no doubt” that Putin himself composed all the fake “Dear Abby” replies, which as of today number at 28.

“Here’s a guy who was so bent on getting Donald Trump elected, he took time off from supervising military drills in Crimea to infiltrate our country and violate the most sacred of relationships in America, that between an advice columnist and her loyal readers,” Glossia said.

What remain to be determined, however, is if these forgeries really did influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Look at the Oct. 17, 2016 “Dear Abby” column and decide for yourself.

'Dear Abby' written by Putin

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more total hits’

November 25, 2016

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more hits’

A manager for the American League baseball team that lost in the World Series earlier this month is demanding a recount to determine the real winner.

“Sure, technically, the Chicago Cubs won four games out of seven, but we actually had the same number of runs during those seven games, 27 each — too close to call,” said Cleveland Indians assistant manager Jerry Mancona. “We should have never conceded.”

“You look at the total number of hits during the regular season, and we beat them by nine,” he continued. “That says a lot more than just whatever happened during those last seven ‘battleground games’ as we call them, which everyone knows are statistically insignificant anyway.”

“And let’s not even get into stolen bases, because that says it all,” he added. “Over the regular season, we stole 134 to Chicago’s 66. The only way we’ll ever know the real winner is by conducting a careful recount of every last stat compiled during the entire 2016 season.”

As of Friday, more than a million fans had signed an MLB.com petition calling for commissioner Rob Manfred to strip the Cubs of their title as this year’s champions and hand it to the more deserving Indians. A spokesperson for Manfred says that while the league is opposed on principle to retroactively changing the 113-year-old playoff rules, it does seem awfully democratic.

  • Go to page 1
  • Go to page 2
  • Go to page 3
  • Interim pages omitted …
  • Go to page 13
  • Go to Next Page »

Primary Sidebar

Follow us and get more smarter!

Follow Us on FacebookFollow Us on TwitterFollow Us on Instagram




Goth Hillary Dandy Goat

I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate