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Despite being the commander-in-chief of the most awesome military force in history, President Donald Trump chose for the soldiers of his coup attempt a few thousand rednecks armed with zip ties and firecrackers, according to Democrats leading the impeachment trial.

“It’s true that President Trump had at his disposal a couple million troops, a bunch of tanks, attack helicopters, and nuclear subs and all that,” said Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md). “But he realized they were no match for the sheer power of a bunch untrained yoyos armed with stuff you can buy in a hardware store.”

“Don’t inquire any further, because if you do, you’ll see our case rests on foundations of Play-Doh and pixie dust,” he added. “You also shouldn’t ask how the executive of the federal government can lead an insurrection against the federal government by encouraging supporters to respect the laws of the federal government.”

“Doing so will oblige you to perform some really terrific gymnastics in your mind that will make Nadia Comaneci at the 1976 Olympic Games look like Oprah losing her balance during a dash for a buffet.”

Sources indicate that despite the overall shakiness of the claims that Trump led an attempt to overthrow the government, the public will continue to overwhelmingly support impeachment because orange man is bad.

Following skepticism about her claim she was nearly assaulted by protestors who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has admitted in an Instagram video that her story was not entirely truthful.

“I’ve never told this to anyone before, but on that fateful day, Senator Cruz used some kind of old-timey Texan telekinesis, probably stolen from native peoples, to make a ceiling fan fall on my head,” she said. “At which point my social media presence and body parted ways, which is to say I transitioned to deceased.”

Ocasio-Cortez says that following her death, which she regrets was unable to share on social media, she descended into a place “that resembled hell.”

“It was like one of those old honky-tonk bars you see in movies,” she said. “There were a bunch of guys there named Butch and Bubba with eyes set too close, and they all looked at me like I was just some dumb floozy at a bar, not an esteemed Latinx congressperson who identifies as she/her.”

“One of them asked if I wanted a drink, but I knew that was racist code meaning he was going to kidnap me and force me to watch UFC matches and old episodes of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger,’” she continued. “I ran out to the parking lot and nearly died a second time when I saw that literally every truck in the parking lot had a gun rack.”

Ocasio-Cortez says that she spent the next three days travelling through this hellscape before she stumbled upon an independent bookstore that functioned as a portal back to a state of aliveness and total wokeness.

Sources indicate that while Ocasio-Cortez’s story will almost certainly be accepted as factual by most new sources, it’s possible she merely bumped her head on a doorframe, suffered from a mild concussion, and wandered into a hipster bar.

Saying “fair is fair,” the social media company Twitter has removed all accounts and tweets that call into question the legitimacy of the 2016 presidential election. 

In all, 738 million accounts and 3.4 trillion tweets have been purged, a move that lightened the company’s servers so much that many of them shot into the sky and disappeared.

Twitter spokesperson Rob Nubb says that his company will certainly begin deleting accounts and tweets describing as fraudulent the 2020 election of Joe Biden, but they wanted to start at the beginning.

“We should have done this four years ago,” he said. “Back then, people were saying all sorts of crazy-ass stuff, that Trump was handpicked by the Russians, that he was a stooge for Putin, that the ballot-counting machines were operated by the KGB, which, like, doesn’t even exist anymore.”

“Just some really dangerous and kooky ideas that attacked the very foundations of the democratic process in the United States, inspired countless acts of violence and mayhem that continues to this day, and, sadly, damaged President Trump’s presidency from the outset,” he continued. “Sorry about that.”

“As for despotic foreign leaders who use Twitter to propagate racism, lies, slander, and calls for murder of individuals and attacks on other nations, all the while denying their own citizens access to our platform, we’re cool with that, at least for now,” he added. “We don’t want to piss too many people off.”

Sources indicate that following the purge, nearly 95 percent of U.S. journalists woke up on Friday morning to discover they had been deplatformed.

Saying that drastic situations call for drastic measures, President Donald Trump has ordered the Clorox company to drop more than 16 million gallons of bleach on the White House. 

“This is going to be the greatest mass sanitization of the executive mansion in American history,” he said late Thursday night to Chief Usher Timothy Harleth, following revelations that dozens more staff had tested positive for COVID-19. “No world leader will ever top this.”

“And it’ll be a boon for the Clorox company,” he added. “One of the great American manufacturers of bleach and bleach products.”

All night long, residents of Washington D.C. reported hearing an aircraft, later confirmed to be the company’s DC-10 Bleach Force One, passing over the White House and conducting airdrops. 

By 5 a.m. early risers began reporting that the area around the White House smelled like  “swimming pool sanitation gone haywire” and that much of the White House lawn had been turned white. 

WASHINGTON — Saying that we shouldn’t fear the COVID-19 virus, but rather that the COVID-19 virus should fear him, a recovered President Donald Trump has opened his mouth and inhaled all the virus particles in the entire country.  

“Come here, you nasty germs,” he reportedly said moments before the feat at a press conference on Tuesday. “Let’s see you try to beat Papa Don’s iron lungs.”

Witnesses reported seeing a stream of particles many miles wide flew into Trump’s mouth as he deeply inhaled. 

“I’m invincible,” he said following a loud burp. 

Within minutes, several major media outlets were criticizing Trump, calling his move “brazen” and unfair to the Biden campaign, which was banking on the hope of the pandemic continuing until at least mid-November. 

The Twitter hashtag #VirusLivesMatter also began trending, with activists blasting Trump for unfairly targeting a particular strain of SARS-CoV-2 when there are other viruses that pose a danger to Americans.