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Saying “fair is fair,” the social media company Twitter has removed all accounts and tweets that call into question the legitimacy of the 2016 presidential election. 

In all, 738 million accounts and 3.4 trillion tweets have been purged, a move that lightened the company’s servers so much that many of them shot into the sky and disappeared.

Twitter spokesperson Rob Nubb says that his company will certainly begin deleting accounts and tweets describing as fraudulent the 2020 election of Joe Biden, but they wanted to start at the beginning.

“We should have done this four years ago,” he said. “Back then, people were saying all sorts of crazy-ass stuff, that Trump was handpicked by the Russians, that he was a stooge for Putin, that the ballot-counting machines were operated by the KGB, which, like, doesn’t even exist anymore.”

“Just some really dangerous and kooky ideas that attacked the very foundations of the democratic process in the United States, inspired countless acts of violence and mayhem that continues to this day, and, sadly, damaged President Trump’s presidency from the outset,” he continued. “Sorry about that.”

“As for despotic foreign leaders who use Twitter to propagate racism, lies, slander, and calls for murder of individuals and attacks on other nations, all the while denying their own citizens access to our platform, we’re cool with that, at least for now,” he added. “We don’t want to piss too many people off.”

Sources indicate that following the purge, nearly 95 percent of U.S. journalists woke up on Friday morning to discover they had been deplatformed.

Saying that drastic situations call for drastic measures, President Donald Trump has ordered the Clorox company to drop more than 16 million gallons of bleach on the White House. 

“This is going to be the greatest mass sanitization of the executive mansion in American history,” he said late Thursday night to Chief Usher Timothy Harleth, following revelations that dozens more staff had tested positive for COVID-19. “No world leader will ever top this.”

“And it’ll be a boon for the Clorox company,” he added. “One of the great American manufacturers of bleach and bleach products.”

All night long, residents of Washington D.C. reported hearing an aircraft, later confirmed to be the company’s DC-10 Bleach Force One, passing over the White House and conducting airdrops. 

By 5 a.m. early risers began reporting that the area around the White House smelled like  “swimming pool sanitation gone haywire” and that much of the White House lawn had been turned white. 

WASHINGTON — Saying that we shouldn’t fear the COVID-19 virus, but rather that the COVID-19 virus should fear him, a recovered President Donald Trump has opened his mouth and inhaled all the virus particles in the entire country.  

“Come here, you nasty germs,” he reportedly said moments before the feat at a press conference on Tuesday. “Let’s see you try to beat Papa Don’s iron lungs.”

Witnesses reported seeing a stream of particles many miles wide flew into Trump’s mouth as he deeply inhaled. 

“I’m invincible,” he said following a loud burp. 

Within minutes, several major media outlets were criticizing Trump, calling his move “brazen” and unfair to the Biden campaign, which was banking on the hope of the pandemic continuing until at least mid-November. 

The Twitter hashtag #VirusLivesMatter also began trending, with activists blasting Trump for unfairly targeting a particular strain of SARS-CoV-2 when there are other viruses that pose a danger to Americans. 

Is Donald Trump ready for the debate tonight? You bet he is. I’m going for the jugular! Sleepy Joe won’t know what hit him. KO, first round. He’ll be on the ground twitching like a gazelle that got the crap kicked out of it by a lion. While 100 million people watch! It’ll be good TV, really great stuff. The networks will make a killing. 

Sure, we’ll talk business. The wall is working, people! We’re making America great again. We’ve never had it so great. The drug cartels are on the run. Peace deals across the world. I undid all the damage Obama did, but we’re not done. Also, we’ve got to talk about the economy. But that’s for later, because tonight’s the big event. It’s going to be a massacre! 

It won’t even be fair. Biden’s handlers are going to come running up to the stage, begging me to show mercy. And I will. But not till I’ve ripped out his heart and lungs! I sort of feel bad for Sleepy Joe. We’ve got to, don’t we, people? Everyone’s saying to me, President Trump, you can’t be too hard on him, because his brain and all that. Don’t get his blood pressure up. Okay, okay, I’ll take it easy, only because I don’t want to be charged with murder. Then the Dems would have a crime to pin on me.

Joking! He’s dead meat. People, I’m pumped for the debate!

Donald Trump is the incumbent president and Republican candidate

My friends often inquire, Joe, are you ready for the debate with President Trump? Hah! You bet I am, because on the day of the thing, the uh, you know, the oh, um, yeah. What was I … the thing. In November. Election day, thanks, that’s it. What was I saying? 

Jokes aside, we have been preparing for this event non-stop since July, slowly building up my drug tolerance. It’s a matter of life or death. Literally. I don’t want to die tonight. I’m taking every pharmaceutical precaution: warfarin, ephedrine, dextroamphetamine, phenytoin, lorazepam, you name it!

I am so grateful to my debate preparation team, specifically neurologist Dr. Henrik Carlsson and Dr. Barkha Hazra of Johns Hopkins. Also, I want to offer my thanks to the most important person on my campaign team, one who has stood by my side when I’ve needed him most: Dr. Christopher Rutkin, whose little jabs of whatever that stuff is give me the jolt I need to get through those long, three-minute canned speeches when my brain gets fuzzy and I start going on a mental canoe trip to Happy Island. 

I am so medicated, you can probably get high just by smelling my farts. No, but seriously, I have popped so many pills today, I hope I don’t get pulled over on the way to the debate. Don’t worry! Who needs to drive when you can run. Yippee! I can do a mile in under five minutes. Want to watch me? Look, I’ll do a karate kick. 

To all my supporters at home and financial backers who worry that their millions of dollars in donations will all be for naught due to a loss of cognitive function that’s replayed endlessly by conservative media and becomes meme material for the next 10 years: fear not. I’m so amped up, I couldn’t lose consciousness if I tried. Really. I haven’t slept for days. Look at me, I can fly! Hold my papers while I climb up on this statue. 

I’m totally pumped with meds for the debate tonight! 

Joe Biden is the Democratic candidate for president 

Photo credit: Gage Skidmore

Saying “it’s what she wanted, and who are we to question the Notorious RBG, a veritable Godzilla of the intellect as compared to us, mere cephalopods?” on Wednesday, millions of liberals dutifully put on chef costumes and walked around all day reciting in a comical Italian accent a line from a 1969 television commercial. 

“It might seem odd, but Justice Ginsburg did communicate this, one of her last wishes, to a seven-year-old relative,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, donning a crisp white chef’s hat. “That child passed the message on to an adult who delivered the anecdote to a reliable journalist.”

“You can’t ignore a woman’s dying wishes,” Pelosi continued. “There’s a circle in hell for people like that.”

“That’s one spicy meatball,” she added. 

Among Ginsburg’s other final wishes, according to child, according to the journalist, according to Pelosi, were to have Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) walk around on all fours and baa like a sheep for a whole week, and for Pelosi and her family to get season tickets to all San Francisco 49ers games for the next 25 years.