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Solution to income inequality is for everyone to give him their money, says 8-year-old economist

boycongress2Inspired by President Obama’s speech on growing income inequality, an eight-year-old named Robbie Thornton from New Haven, Connecticut has responded with a proposal that pundits are calling “ingenious and unprecedented.” He argues the nation should adopt a progressive tax structure and system of credits that would “prolly” leave every household with the same net income of $32,250 per year. He arrived at this figure, he said, by multiplying the ages of his mother, father and Michelle Garcia, his second-grade teacher.

On Monday, Thornton presented his plan in the U.S. Capitol Building to a room packed with journalists. He had been invited by a bipartisan group of lawmakers who feel increasingly unable to solve income disparity.

“After thinking a bunch,” he said, “I decided it’d be really good to get a radically progressive tax structure.”

Under his plan, households with incomes above $32,250 will have an effective tax rate that will leave them with a net income of $32,250. Households with an annual income below $32,250 will have no federal tax liability and will be eligible for large tax credits to bring them up to the target income.

Republican lawmakers were quick to point out that under this plan, many Americans, particularly the very wealthy, would be paying 90 to 99 percent of their income in taxes.

“I guess so,” Thornton said. “But the good news is we’ll have a lot of money left over.”

Pulling out a large Spiderman calculator, he spent a few minutes with his little brow furled before announcing that there would be an annual budget surplus of 12 trillion dollars.

When asked about what the federal government might do with such a large surplus, Thornton turned his cap forwards and said, “I propose that the the leftover is given to me.” In response to further questioning, he explained that he’d use the money to buy Starburst candies and a spaceship for his grandfather in a wheelchair.

Markets rise, then fall, then rise, then fall again with Bernanke’s snoring

bernanke sleepingThe markets on Wednesday rose sharply, then fell abruptly, then rose again and then dropped as Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke snored during an afternoon nap.

“The Fed chief’s powerful exhalation showed that he’ll lower interest rates,” said Sid Bernstein, analyst at Goldman Sachs. “Any inflation will be offset by increased investment and consumer spending.”

Seconds later, when the Fed chief’s deep inhalation was accompanied by an obnoxious sound that suggested he was suffocating, markets plunged. The Dow Jones plummeted 963 points, the largest ever four-second loss in history.

“Bernanke’s deep inhalation suggests a time of increased austerity,” Bernstein explained. “He’ll raise interest rates to keep inflation at bay, damaging already low levels of productivity and consumption.”

A moment later, as the Fed chief exhaled with a powerful, resounding snort that suggested the mating of a rhinoceros, the markets shot up 1002 points, regaining the losses from moments before.

“You can really see here that Bernanke has finally decided it’s time to pump more money into the economy,” Bernstein said. “We can’t take this slow growth anymore. He’s decided to take action.”

Approximately five seconds later, the Fed chief again inhaled, but this time he held his breath for a paralyzingly-long twelve seconds, suggesting to some investors that he was having severe breathing difficulty. This sent shock waves of fear around the globe that another recession was looming. Markets everywhere plummeted to record lows, while, consequently, governments pushed for austerity, protests turned into riots, and Bernanke rolled to his side, a move that returned his breathing to less labored and less annoying.

“Hopefully, this will return some stability to the markets,” Bernstein said.

Croatia joins the EU, is struck by desired economic woes

Croatia EU membershipJust two days after officially joining the EU, Croatia is proudly welcoming a dim economic future that includes increased public debt and growing unemployment.

“For ten years we have labored to get into the European Union,” said Jasna Bozhich, a professor of economics at the University of Zagreb. “For ten years, we looked enviously toward our neighbors and wished we could have the same level of out-of-control government spending.”

The EU made it clear that Croatia would not be admitted unless the nation could manage to spend a higher percentage of its GDP. Ivo Sanader, who was the prime minister from 2003 until 2009, responded by hiring thousands of civil servants for positions that were already filled. Deputy ministers worked long hours to set up a plan that would give each civil servant ten weeks of annual vacation and a yearly bonus equal to three months of salary.

“It was not easy getting our spending to grow to such heights,” Bozhich said. “Naturally, some legislators were opposed.”

In addition to developing an expensive public sector, the EU also required Croatia to loosen up its laws in order to allow banks to make risky investments without the burden of oversight.

“For that,” Bozhich said, “the Minister of Finance developed a scheme to do away with auditing altogether. It was a very ingenious and brave move. And it worked.”

Croatian banks lost nearly 5 billion euros in 2012, an amount that ultimately ensured membership in the EU.

While the benefits of membership will take many years to measure,  initial data show that unemployment in Croatia’s private sector has already risen by 2 percent, a figure that thrills Bozhich and other Croations.

“Imagine that,” she said, while accepting a glass of champagne from intoxicated and jubilant colleagues. “Two percent. That’s upwards of thirty thousand jobs. Lost. It’s good to be a part of Europe. We never thought we’d see the light of this day.”

The Onion’s international paywall: a surprise success

UntitledWhen the popular news satire organization The Onion modified its website in 2011 and demanded that overseas readers pay for content, many fans were skeptical.

“When I first got blocked because I had exceeded the number of free articles, I was like, what the bloody hell?” said Will Bryant, a longtime fan from London. “I thought it was a joke by the editors or something. Then when I saw that I’d hit a paywall and was now being required to pay to read The Onion, I said no way. Not when I’m used to getting it for free.”

Despite their initial reluctance to pay for a subscription, Bryant and millions of other international readers jumped on board and went along with the plan.

“You know, it just makes sense,” said Kristen Nantes, a professor at the Center for Media and Public Affairs. “What you have here is a news satire organization with a foriegn readership that is fiercely loyal, particularly because of the lack of similar sites. Fans need The Onion’s special brand of humor and they are willing to pay for it.”

The Onion’s paywall and online subscription service have been so successful, in fact, that many real news sites are following suit. The New York Time is just one of many to have used The Onion as a model. “The days of free premium content seem to be approaching an end,” Nantes said. “The Onion has proved this beyond a doubt.”

The Onion was created by two students at the University of Wisconsin in 1988. In 1996 it started publishing content on its website and has since been sold to a media conglomerate.

“It’s only like two pounds fifty a month,” Bryant said when asked if he thought the subscription was a good deal. “Which is a damn steal. I’d be willing to pay much more than like. Like, twenty times more.”