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In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

February 1, 2017

RIP The Dandy GoatThe world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles.

Richard Omega, the Dandy Goat’s chief writer, graphic designer, editor, social media coordinator and in-house legal counsel, says that in the absence of Dubbles, the closure was inevitable.

“Franklin was the heart, soul and gallbladder of the Dandy Goat,” Omega said. “Without him, we’re nothing but a snail without the mushy parts inside, just a shell. Or is it the other way around? Maybe he was the pretty shell and we’re the mushy parts.”

“Either way, we couldn’t go on without him,” he added.

Dubbles was known for his impeccable dress, unflinching certainty of his own moral and social standing, and a preternatural ability to talk at great lengths without actually saying anything. He launched the Dandy Goat more than three years ago as a vehicle to “push society forward on the right path towards real progress, if that makes any sense, which I suppose it doesn’t, but it sounds nice,” as he once said.

Those who knew Dubbles well say that he was obsessed with the idea that history could be nearly divided into two sides, the wrong side and the right side, and that he believed we had only a few more steps to go and we’d be located on the right side, forever.

“Franklin was convinced that everything would be so nice and sweet-smelling there on the right side of history,” Omega said.

Franklin J. Dubbles
Dandy Goat founder and publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, in better days.

Psychologists say that when in November a brash and wrong-thinking New York property developer was elected as U.S. president, Dubbles was struck by a bout of acute moral indignation from which even his firm sense of superiority could not protect him. He fell into a deep melancholy, barely able to make it to appointments with his stylist —or to brunches with likeminded friends.

And whereas he was once a luminary on social media, Dubbles found that he could he could no longer post rambling, self-righteous rants on Facebook, let alone tweet — as he was so fond of doing — in favor of trending hashtags created by activists.

“His tragic flaw was that he really had faith in the inherent goodness of people, of their willingness to follow him and other cultured intellectual fashionistas into tomorrow,” Omega said. “Sadly, this only set him up for catastrophic disappointment.”

A week after Election Day, Dubbles was sent to a private psychiatric hospital in upstate New York where he is expected to live out the rest of his days watching old episodes of Jon Stewert-era “The Daily Show,” taking fabulous selfies and posting them to an anonymous Instagram account, and writing a memoir about life among savages.

Richard Omega
Richard Omega, whose minor roles included chief content fabricator and graphic designer.

“Franklin was always so passionate about his own ideas, even if they struck others as vapid, but he still wasn’t afraid to voice them, and that’s what counts,” said dentistry model Iris Pearl, who dated Dubbles in the spring of 2012. “He’d happily take to the streets to march in favor of polyamorous interspecies relationships, or go on Twitter to call for a boycott of the Smurfs for promoting an unrealistic body image, if he sensed it was the next big thing.”

Ichabod F.N. Herstal
Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who still weeps to this day when he remembers his time writing for “The Goat”

In addition to Dubbles’ tireless work as the Dandy Goat’s publisher and Omega’s humble offerings as chief content provider, several contributing writers did help to give the publication its reputation as one that would essentially publish anything. Not least among these writers is Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who over the last few years wrote nearly 60 articles for the Dandy Goat. I.M. Salmon, a relative newcomer, saw 11 of his articles digitally printed in the distinguished pages of the website.

Omega says that if Dubbles were able to speak today, he’d probably offer a tearful thank you to the devoted readers of the Dandy Goat and urge them to never give up the fight against — whatever is currently out of fashion.

“And then he would go back to grooming his eyebrows, something which he truly enjoyed,” Omega said.

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Leprosy: the decisive edge for admission to elite colleges

January 16, 2017

lepersTo:      Exceptional High School Juniors

From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA.

Subj:   The Fat Envelope Advantage

Congratulations! You are receiving this e-mail message because you’ve scored 1550 or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA.

Are you still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart from tens of thousands of other applicants to Stanford, Harvard and Princeton?  Your peers will be ladling soup at homeless shelters and collecting used toys for the Ronald McDonald House, but how many will have volunteered at a leper colony in India?

ECA had signed an exclusive agreement with the Agondi Leper Colony in Goa, India. Located on the Arabian Sea coast, the area is known for its white sand beaches, flora and fauna and kayaking. Your deluxe suite at the Taj Exotica Hotel (5 stars) is only a short, air-conditioned van ride from your one hour per day of service at the colony.

Because we are staffed entirely by Ivy League graduates, we know that admissions officers place a premium on essays that detail the HOW and WHY of your international experience, not only a description. We pride ourselves on writing college application essays that are indistinguishable from your own voice, and this allows us to convey your transparent commitment to caring about India’s underserved lepers.

Our foolproof essay includes a bibliography showing your immersion in the topic. And, to avoid a verbal faux pas while at the colony, we include a list of insensitive comments. Examples: “Lend me a hand,” “gimme some skin,” and any “pull my finger” jokes.

The politically correct and medical term for leprosy is Hansen’s Disease. But at ECA we still prefer “leper” because this works to your advantage. Agondi Colony patients are no longer infectious, but the stigma and ignorance surrounding leprosy means that unenlightened admissions officers will be bowled over by your intrepid courage and boundless empathy.

The committee will see an on-site video of you mingling with victims’ blindness, severed limbs, and hideous facial disfigurations. Squeamish being around crippling deformities? We can photoshop you giving Mother Teresa worthy embraces and shaking claw-like hands. In short, your application will wrench tears from the most jaded “We’ve Seen It All” officials.

Note: This opportunity is strictly time limited because only sixteen of the original 3,000 patients at Agondi are still alive, the youngest at 81 and the oldest 95.  Bit by bit, we anticipate a precipitous drop-off to occur. Worse yet, the capacity now exists to eradicate leprosy worldwide, so act quickly.

Cost: $25,000 for two weeks, plus airfare. For an additional fee, side trips to Mumbai, New Delhi and Bangalore are available. Only twenty-five students will be accepted for Summer 2017.

For online application forms go to: ECA@LepCol.com

Note: Author I.M. Salmon is known in some circles as Gary Olson.

Communist asshole dead at 90

November 28, 2016

Colin Kaepernick deadCheering crowds continued to throng the streets of downtown San Francisco into the early hours of Monday morning as they celebrated the death of outspoken communist loudmouth and renowned asshole Colin Kaepernick.

Thousands of people of all ages waving American flags and popping champagne corks gave the thumbs-up sign to passing motorists who cheerfully honked their horns in a gesture of support.

Kaepernick, who had ruled the national media without mercy for the last four months with his regular incoherent outbursts of anti-American vitriol, died late Friday night due to complications from having an unusually tiny brain.

“No-one ever likes to celebrate the death of another human being,” said construction worker Stan Lobe. “But we’re all so happy that the asshole’s dead.”    

Bay Area native Gary Cuboid said that while he felt sympathy for the Kaepernick family’s loss, he was “ecstatic and overjoyed” at the news of the second-string quarterback death, adding: “He was truly one of the early 21st century’s greatest assholes.”

Many 49ers fans expressed mixed emotions over the death of one of the most overrated members of their team. “I’m conflicted,” said Brett Strontium,  61 and a life-long 49ers fan. “On the one hand, we can now get back to just enjoying our football again without political controversy. On the other hand, Kaepernick was a total asshole.”

But despite the festive atmosphere, not all those on the streets were in a celebratory mood.

“I really loved him,” sobbed Gwen Stroke, a sophomore at USC majoring in Native American feminist metallurgy, who had congregated at a makeshift shrine outside the 49ers’ stadium with one other person — who turned out to be a confused homeless man looking for his dog.

“When he spoke, his charismatic yellow eyes drilled into mine, and it was like he was like berating me personally about my white guilt and about slavery,” said Stroke. “And he was so, so beautiful, he looked like a much older Trey Guevara, only … blacker.  But oh my God, he was such an asshole.”

Kaepernick had been in the headlines again in the last few days after Cuban dictator Fidel Castro appeared at a public mass execution of political prisoners in Havana wearing a replica 49ers Kaepernick jersey.

Expert: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice swayed US elections

November 25, 2016

Experts: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice influenced U.S. electionsA language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips.

Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the content of the “Dear Abby” columns appearing in her local newspaper, the Tewksbury Tribune, had for several days been uncharacteristically mean-spirited and clumsily worded.

Local police turned the investigation over to the FBI, who went on to discover that for weeks and in newspapers all across the country, Phillips’s actual advice had been replaced by the writings of an imposter.

The agency soon determined that hackers inside Russia got into the servers of dozens of U.S. print newspapers and news sites, ensuring that the fake replies to readers who had asked for help would be printed instead of the actual, helpful ones approved by Phillips’s editor.

“For weeks, I thought that my beloved Dear Abby had gone off the deep end, especially when she advised a depressed mother from Memphis to leave her family, quit her job, and begin a furious social media campaign to let the world know that Hillary Clinton was behind the 9/11 attacks and has the mark of the beast tattooed on her left buttock,” said Pawlak, a longtime reader.

Forensic linguist Paul E. Glossia, who specializes in Slavic languages and completed a PhD dissertation examining the Russian president’s awkward love letters to his ex-wife, Lyudmila, says he has “no doubt” that Putin himself composed all the fake “Dear Abby” replies, which as of today number at 28.

“Here’s a guy who was so bent on getting Donald Trump elected, he took time off from supervising military drills in Crimea to infiltrate our country and violate the most sacred of relationships in America, that between an advice columnist and her loyal readers,” Glossia said.

What remain to be determined, however, is if these forgeries really did influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Look at the Oct. 17, 2016 “Dear Abby” column and decide for yourself.

'Dear Abby' written by Putin

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more total hits’

November 25, 2016

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more hits’

A manager for the American League baseball team that lost in the World Series earlier this month is demanding a recount to determine the real winner.

“Sure, technically, the Chicago Cubs won four games out of seven, but we actually had the same number of runs during those seven games, 27 each — too close to call,” said Cleveland Indians assistant manager Jerry Mancona. “We should have never conceded.”

“You look at the total number of hits during the regular season, and we beat them by nine,” he continued. “That says a lot more than just whatever happened during those last seven ‘battleground games’ as we call them, which everyone knows are statistically insignificant anyway.”

“And let’s not even get into stolen bases, because that says it all,” he added. “Over the regular season, we stole 134 to Chicago’s 66. The only way we’ll ever know the real winner is by conducting a careful recount of every last stat compiled during the entire 2016 season.”

As of Friday, more than a million fans had signed an MLB.com petition calling for commissioner Rob Manfred to strip the Cubs of their title as this year’s champions and hand it to the more deserving Indians. A spokesperson for Manfred says that while the league is opposed on principle to retroactively changing the 113-year-old playoff rules, it does seem awfully democratic.

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Goth Hillary Dandy Goat

I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate