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In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

February 1, 2017

RIP The Dandy GoatThe world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles.

Richard Omega, the Dandy Goat’s chief writer, graphic designer, editor, social media coordinator and in-house legal counsel, says that in the absence of Dubbles, the closure was inevitable.

“Franklin was the heart, soul and gallbladder of the Dandy Goat,” Omega said. “Without him, we’re nothing but a snail without the mushy parts inside, just a shell. Or is it the other way around? Maybe he was the pretty shell and we’re the mushy parts.”

“Either way, we couldn’t go on without him,” he added.

Dubbles was known for his impeccable dress, unflinching certainty of his own moral and social standing, and a preternatural ability to talk at great lengths without actually saying anything. He launched the Dandy Goat more than three years ago as a vehicle to “push society forward on the right path towards real progress, if that makes any sense, which I suppose it doesn’t, but it sounds nice,” as he once said.

Those who knew Dubbles well say that he was obsessed with the idea that history could be nearly divided into two sides, the wrong side and the right side, and that he believed we had only a few more steps to go and we’d be located on the right side, forever.

“Franklin was convinced that everything would be so nice and sweet-smelling there on the right side of history,” Omega said.

Franklin J. Dubbles
Dandy Goat founder and publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, in better days.

Psychologists say that when in November a brash and wrong-thinking New York property developer was elected as U.S. president, Dubbles was struck by a bout of acute moral indignation from which even his firm sense of superiority could not protect him. He fell into a deep melancholy, barely able to make it to appointments with his stylist —or to brunches with likeminded friends.

And whereas he was once a luminary on social media, Dubbles found that he could he could no longer post rambling, self-righteous rants on Facebook, let alone tweet — as he was so fond of doing — in favor of trending hashtags created by activists.

“His tragic flaw was that he really had faith in the inherent goodness of people, of their willingness to follow him and other cultured intellectual fashionistas into tomorrow,” Omega said. “Sadly, this only set him up for catastrophic disappointment.”

A week after Election Day, Dubbles was sent to a private psychiatric hospital in upstate New York where he is expected to live out the rest of his days watching old episodes of Jon Stewert-era “The Daily Show,” taking fabulous selfies and posting them to an anonymous Instagram account, and writing a memoir about life among savages.

Richard Omega
Richard Omega, whose minor roles included chief content fabricator and graphic designer.

“Franklin was always so passionate about his own ideas, even if they struck others as vapid, but he still wasn’t afraid to voice them, and that’s what counts,” said dentistry model Iris Pearl, who dated Dubbles in the spring of 2012. “He’d happily take to the streets to march in favor of polyamorous interspecies relationships, or go on Twitter to call for a boycott of the Smurfs for promoting an unrealistic body image, if he sensed it was the next big thing.”

Ichabod F.N. Herstal
Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who still weeps to this day when he remembers his time writing for “The Goat”

In addition to Dubbles’ tireless work as the Dandy Goat’s publisher and Omega’s humble offerings as chief content provider, several contributing writers did help to give the publication its reputation as one that would essentially publish anything. Not least among these writers is Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who over the last few years wrote nearly 60 articles for the Dandy Goat. I.M. Salmon, a relative newcomer, saw 11 of his articles digitally printed in the distinguished pages of the website.

Omega says that if Dubbles were able to speak today, he’d probably offer a tearful thank you to the devoted readers of the Dandy Goat and urge them to never give up the fight against — whatever is currently out of fashion.

“And then he would go back to grooming his eyebrows, something which he truly enjoyed,” Omega said.

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11 butt-numbingly offensive words you need to ban from your vocabulary

June 8, 2015

Offensive words that must be banned Inspired by the ideas of a 22-year-old Mashable writer from Brooklyn whose forthcoming book “1001 Everyday Words That Must Be Eradicated” we are eagerly awaiting.

You’re all about promoting thought solidarity and erasing -isms from language. You think you’re an ally and you even list “social justice” as what turns you on the most. But are you still using words that constitute acts of microaggression?

1. Cray-cray

At a restaurant and EVERY SINGLE TABLE here has ordered this dessert. #milehighpie #icecream #crazy https://t.co/QNwacZMvxK

— Lisa Lillien (@HungryGirl) June 7, 2015

For people not up on lingo in this day-day, “cray-cray” comes from the word “crazy,” which according to Merriam-Webster means “insane,” which we all know is a term for someone with debilitating mental disorders. Before you describe your drunken birthday party as “cray-cray,” think about the effect your words could have on the writer of this article, for example — someone who spends half the day in his pajamas, talking to himself and writing fake news articles. “Cray-cray” must go away-way.

2. Ghetto

#Today,72 #Anniversary of the Outbreak of the #Warsaw #Ghetto Uprising,#Poland.#OnThisDay #Holocaust #Jewish #History pic.twitter.com/FHJNAH88Cf

— SpecGhost (@SpecGhost) April 19, 2015

So just because you’re an 88-year-old Holocaust survivor, you think you can throw around the word “ghetto” like you’re Eazy-E? Think again, old person! Even if you almost died of typhus while confined to a Jewish ghetto in occupied Poland, you cannot understand how offensive the word “ghetto” is to people who live in today’s marginalized communities — even if they themselves use the word “ghetto,” but in a latently ironic sense, of course, although they don’t know it (yet!). Don’t ever use this word again.

3. Lame

https://twitter.com/OmarPalomares12/status/607803548907110400

What, is there something cool about using a term that used to describe people with broken legs, spinal injuries or other conditions that limited their mobility? Okay, maybe it was last used like that in 1958, but still. Stop saying this word. Now. Better yet, don’t even think of this word.

4. Special

If you pretend to use this word in a pre-Sensitivity Era manner, i.e., “Kelsey is a special girl; she can curse in 34 languages,” then you’ve been living in cave — or you’re a congenital liar. Find another word. Don’t even ask why.

5. Illegal

What is law but the imposition of one group’s set of expectations onto another? How can we say that a person’s action is “illegal,” when much of what we allow today was, at some point, illegal? Let’s just stop this nonsense altogether and instead use the term “currently inadvisable according to society’s arbitrary set of racist-sexisit-classist-phobic rules.”

6. Foreign

Sure, the word “foreign” sounds innocuous enough, as a lot of seemingly intelligent people talk about having an interest in “foreign films” or wanting to learn a “foreign language.” But what’s foreign to you is certainly not foreign to someone else, and your culturally insensitive, stubborn geocentricity is truly disgusting. That so-called “foreign exchange” student from France you knew in high school? Well, he has a name, and it happens to be Florian. And you know what? He’s a nice person, and by all accounts he’s never once described himself as foreign. Vous êtes un gros connard! That’s French for: You are a huge asshole.

7. Depressed

https://twitter.com/lisaxbbyx/status/614065030510825473

Depression is a serious mood disorder, not a way for you to describe your sadness because your gerbil committed suicide, or because “Mad Men” ended. Before you tell your friends that you’re feeling depressed because it’s Monday, the weather’s crappy, and you just got fired, think about Robin Williams and then serve yourself a little plate of STFU. Then have seconds, and a little more for dessert.

8, 9, 10, 11: Man, woman, boy, girl

Ever since that critical theory course we took four years ago, we’ve known that gender is a social construct based on the perceived distance between ever-shifting nodal points along a circular rainbow-colored spectrum, i.e. it has no absolutes. Using words like “man” and “woman,” along with the restrictive pronouns like “he” and “she” that are inherent to the illusion of binarism, is offensive to many people. So stop using these words, okay?

How to destroy your homophobic baker in a few easy steps

May 20, 2015

How to destroy your homophobic baker in 10 easy steps Everyone knows that small-town bakers are undermining progress by refusing to bake the cakes we want, but few people understand how to hit these jerks where it hurts the most: right in their livelihood. Here’s an easy guide:

Step one: Find a local baker, preferably one who advertises in the Yellow Pages and doesn’t even have a Facebook page. The folksier the name, the better. “Hank’s Cakes and Goodies” is a fine choice, but “Ashley’s Cake Designs” is not.

Step two: Walk into the business and search for evidence of small-mindedness. Bible verses hanging on the wall, tacky decor, Rush Limbaugh blaring from the kitchen, or old people greeting the baker by name are all signs that you’re in the right place. If the baker has tattooes, is listening to the Decemberists, or is under the age of 35, leave immediately.

Step three: Announce that you would like to order a wedding cake that says “Bill and Ted” on it. If the baker looks surprised but agrees to your request, tell him that you want the words “God loves gay marriage” also written on the cake. If the baker’s face turns red with embarrassment and/or fury, but he’s still willing to make the cake, press on. Say that for a cake topper you’d like two giant penises tying a knot. If he still agrees, leave and go back to step one.

Step four: So, the baker refuses and claims that his “religion” doesn’t permit him to make such a cake. Ask him to repeat his words, but loudly, checking that your iPhone is still recording the conversation. Don’t worry if he sees you; he doesn’t even know that a phone can be used for anything other than calling his wife or entertaining his grandchildren.

Step five: To drum up public support, write a blog post about the incident, giving it the title “My awful experience with a hateful bigot proves we are still homophobic.” With any luck, the alternative weekly from the nearest big city will cover your story. Get a good night’s sleep and put on your best clothes in the morning, because a photographer will be there shortly to take photos of you basking in your victimhood. Don’t forget to look in the mirror and practice making expressions of righteous indignation.

Step six: Step back. Relax. The machine is now working on its own. Your blog post has been shared six billion times. Activists all the way from San Francisco to Budapest are sending you messages of support, offering to put you in contact with a lawyer friend. Decline, saying that you’re too depressed, as the incident is giving you nightmares and you can’t sleep, so you’ve been fired and you’re on the verge of homelessness. In the meantime, set up a GoFundMe account to get money for a new laptop and a faster internet connection.

Step seven: Watch as activists, the media, Twitter, and eventually the Department of Justice attack the baker with the force of a million Dan Savages. Sure, the baker is going to try to meekly defend his actions, but don’t feel bad. The Nazi leader Hermann Göring attempted the same strategy at the Nuremberg trials, but everyone knew he deserved to get hanged anyway.

Step eight: Grant an interview on CNN or the Today Show and say that you actually feel bad for the baker for being so ignorant and full of hate. This will make you not only appear sympathetic towards elderly people who cling to expired ideas, but it will give the public a kind face to put with the story. Don’t worry if you’re not cut out for TV. Hair and makeup assistants will make you look nice, and a producer will guide you as to what you must say.

Step nine: Cash in. Under pressure from the civil rights attorneys camped out on his lawn,  threats of your lawsuit, and strangers everywhere he goes wishing death upon him, the baker will agree to a settlement that he’ll scrape together by selling his business, house, and one of his kidneys. Also, the money his rich Christian buddies put up to fund his legal defense can now go to you. Good job! You will never again have to go to work at that crappy call center.

Step nine-and-a-half: Oops. They find out that not only was the incident planned, but that you’re not actually getting married to anyone, let alone a same-sex partner, and that your name is neither Ted nor Bill. Don’t worry! Like a judo master, transfer the momentum of public anger into rage directed at those who “create a climate of fear and intimidation” and made your ruse “necessary,” i.e. evil small business owners who want nothing more than to deny LGBT people services. Brand yourself as a professional victim-activist, write a book, and go on a speaking tour. Universities are willing to pay big money for people like to you “share your story.”

Now, finally, for once, enjoy life.

What kind of annoying Facebooker are you? Take the quiz!

August 11, 2014

[playbuzz-game game=”http://www.playbuzz.com/johnpaulg11/what-type-of-annoying-facebooker-are-you”]

How gullible are you? Take the quiz!

July 7, 2014

[playbuzz-game game=”http://www.playbuzz.com/johnpaulg11/how-gullible-are-you”]

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