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In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

RIP The Dandy Goat

Click here for access to the Best of the Dandy Goat
The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles.
Richard Omega, the Dandy Goat’s chief writer, graphic designer, editor, social media coordinator and in-house legal counsel, says that in the absence of Dubbles, the closure was inevitable.
“Franklin was the heart, soul and gallbladder of the Dandy Goat,” Omega said. “Without him, we’re nothing but a snail without the mushy parts inside, just a shell. Or is it the other way around? Maybe he was the pretty shell and we’re the mushy parts.”
“Either way, we couldn’t go on without him,” he added.
Dubbles was known for his impeccable dress, unflinching certainty of his own moral and social standing, and a preternatural ability to talk at great lengths without actually saying anything. He launched the Dandy Goat more than three years ago as a vehicle to “push society forward on the right path towards real progress, if that makes any sense, which I suppose it doesn’t, but it sounds nice,” as he once said.
Those who knew Dubbles well say that he was obsessed with the idea that history could be nearly divided into two sides, the wrong side and the right side, and that he believed we had only a few more steps to go and we’d be located on the right side, forever.
“Franklin was convinced that everything would be so nice and sweet-smelling there on the right side of history,” Omega said.
Click here for access to the Best of the Dandy Goat
Franklin J. Dubbles
Dandy Goat founder and publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, in better days.
Psychologists say that when in November a brash and wrong-thinking New York property developer was elected as U.S. president, Dubbles was struck by a bout of acute moral indignation from which even his firm sense of superiority could not protect him. He fell into a deep melancholy, barely able to make it to appointments with his stylist —or to brunches with likeminded friends.
And whereas he was once a luminary on social media, Dubbles found that he could he could no longer post rambling, self-righteous rants on Facebook, let alone tweet — as he was so fond of doing — in favor of trending hashtags created by activists.
“His tragic flaw was that he really had faith in the inherent goodness of people, of their willingness to follow him and other cultured intellectual fashionistas into tomorrow,” Omega said. “Sadly, this only set him up for catastrophic disappointment.”
A week after Election Day, Dubbles was sent to a private psychiatric hospital in upstate New York where he is expected to live out the rest of his days watching old episodes of Jon Stewert-era “The Daily Show,” taking fabulous selfies and posting them to an anonymous Instagram account, and writing a memoir about life among savages.
Richard Omega
Richard Omega, whose minor roles included chief content fabricator and graphic designer.
“Franklin was always so passionate about his own ideas, even if they struck others as vapid, but he still wasn’t afraid to voice them, and that’s what counts,” said dentistry model Iris Pearl, who dated Dubbles in the spring of 2012. “He’d happily take to the streets to march in favor of polyamorous interspecies relationships, or go on Twitter to call for a boycott of the Smurfs for promoting an unrealistic body image, if he sensed it was the next big thing.”
Ichabod F.N. Herstal
Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who still weeps to this day when he remembers his time writing for “The Goat”
In addition to Dubbles’ tireless work as the Dandy Goat’s publisher and Omega’s humble offerings as chief content provider, several contributing writers did help to give the publication its reputation as one that would essentially publish anything. Not least among these writers is Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who over the last few years wrote nearly 60 articles for the Dandy Goat. I.M. Salmon, a relative newcomer, saw 11 of his articles digitally printed in the distinguished pages of the website. For access to the Best of the Dandy Goat’s content written by Dubbles, Omega, Herstal, and Salmon, click here.
Omega says that if Dubbles were able to speak today, he’d probably offer a tearful thank you to the devoted readers of the Dandy Goat and urge them to never give up the fight against — whatever is currently out of fashion.
“And then he would go back to grooming his eyebrows, something which he truly enjoyed,” Omega said.
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8 crazy facts about drug lord Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzman

 

Luis Guzman not playing Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman
Luis Guzman as Bitterman in the 2011 comedy ‘Arthur.’
  • Although Guzman’s nickname is “El Chapo” (Spanish for “Shorty”), at 5 feet, 6 inches tall, he’s not the shortest Mexican drug lord ever. That honor goes to Pepe “El Mosquito” Sanchez, head of the feared Chihuahua Cartel, who measured just over 18 inches tall when he was crushed to death in 1993 by a falling stack of dollar bills.
  • After getting a degree in marijuana cultivation from the Instituto Tecnológico de Culiacán in 1974, Guzman began a doctoral program in drug distribution but was never awarded a PhD because he had his advisor murdered after suspecting him of overseeing another student’s dissertation.
  • Guzman’s first attempt to launch his own cartel in 1979 failed when his marketing team persuaded him to adopt the slogan “Popeye el Marino esnifa la cocaina” (“Popeye the Sailor Man sniffs cocaine”) leading to a trademark infringement lawsuit filed by King Features that left Guzman bankrupt.
  • Ten years of going door-to-door selling single puffs off joints and mere thimblefuls of cocaine ended when, in 1988, Guzman was a competitor in the television program “¿Quién Quiere Ser Un Capo Narco?” (“Who Wants To Be a Drug Lord?”). He won and became instantly famous. Troubles arose, however, when at the end of the second season he refused to give up his title. A judge ordered Guzman to give back the drug lord crown but instead of complying, he went on the run. The rest is history.
  • Whenever Guzman learned through his network of informants that the police were hot on the trail, he would avoid arrest by cleverly disguising himself as a corrupt politician.
  • During the 17 months he spent in prison after his capture in 2014, Guzman reportedly lived like a king. A king confined to a small prison cell, forced to use communal showers, eat crappy food, and wash his own clothes, but a king nonetheless.
  • To his fans, Guzman symbolizes Robin Hood. Now why they think of a fearsome cartel boss as one who wears green tights and speaks English in a medieval Yorkshire accent is beyond us.
  • While the precise date is up for debate, Guzman and his associates actually won the drug war sometime in the middle of the last decade.

Lesser-known stipulations of Greek deal

 

Stipulations of Greek deal with EUWhile most Europeans are breathing a sigh of relief that an agreement has seemingly been reached to deal with Greece’s budget crisis — and ensure that the country adopt changes to avoid future shortfalls — Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras may have a hard time selling the deal to his fellow countrymen. Here are the stickier points of the Euro Summit Statement on Greece uncovered by the Dandy Goat. 

  • Greeks living in areas popular with tourists will have go into the street and do that Zorba the Greek circle dance at least once a day — and twice during summer months.
  • The country’s ruling left-wing party Syriza must officially change its name to “Nifítsa,” which is Greek for “weasel.”
  • Athens civil servant Nikos Lazibuttis, who has managed to remain on the Ministry of Culture payroll for 17 years without ever having a job description, must finally be given something to do.
  • Pompous Greeks have to stop reminding everyone that they invented civilization, not to mention logic and philosophy, and probably a few dozen other little things.
  • The age of retirement for hairstylists and those in other dangerous professions must be raised to at least 40.
  • The Greek government must find a way to halt production of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding Part II,” slated to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public in under a year.
  • Islands of Mykonos, Kos, and Paros need to be renamed Merkelos, Hollandos, Draghios.
  • The island of Lesbos is to be turned into a sex-tourism resort populated exclusively by beautiful bisexual women.
  • Feta cheese producers are to give up 10% of their annual production to supply cafeterias at major European institutions.

Ebola questionnaire, coming soon to a US port of entry near you

The Dandy Goat has obtained an exclusive copy of the Department of Homeland Security’s new Ebola screening questionnaire, sure to stop would-be carriers from getting past even the most porous port of entry. New Ebola screening questionnaire

Leatherman releases new ‘Tough Guy’ multi-tool

Leatherman tool multitool spoof parody joke scrap of metal Available at specialty shops in August 2014