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In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

February 1, 2017

RIP The Dandy GoatThe world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles.

Richard Omega, the Dandy Goat’s chief writer, graphic designer, editor, social media coordinator and in-house legal counsel, says that in the absence of Dubbles, the closure was inevitable.

“Franklin was the heart, soul and gallbladder of the Dandy Goat,” Omega said. “Without him, we’re nothing but a snail without the mushy parts inside, just a shell. Or is it the other way around? Maybe he was the pretty shell and we’re the mushy parts.”

“Either way, we couldn’t go on without him,” he added.

Dubbles was known for his impeccable dress, unflinching certainty of his own moral and social standing, and a preternatural ability to talk at great lengths without actually saying anything. He launched the Dandy Goat more than three years ago as a vehicle to “push society forward on the right path towards real progress, if that makes any sense, which I suppose it doesn’t, but it sounds nice,” as he once said.

Those who knew Dubbles well say that he was obsessed with the idea that history could be nearly divided into two sides, the wrong side and the right side, and that he believed we had only a few more steps to go and we’d be located on the right side, forever.

“Franklin was convinced that everything would be so nice and sweet-smelling there on the right side of history,” Omega said.

Franklin J. Dubbles
Dandy Goat founder and publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, in better days.

Psychologists say that when in November a brash and wrong-thinking New York property developer was elected as U.S. president, Dubbles was struck by a bout of acute moral indignation from which even his firm sense of superiority could not protect him. He fell into a deep melancholy, barely able to make it to appointments with his stylist —or to brunches with likeminded friends.

And whereas he was once a luminary on social media, Dubbles found that he could he could no longer post rambling, self-righteous rants on Facebook, let alone tweet — as he was so fond of doing — in favor of trending hashtags created by activists.

“His tragic flaw was that he really had faith in the inherent goodness of people, of their willingness to follow him and other cultured intellectual fashionistas into tomorrow,” Omega said. “Sadly, this only set him up for catastrophic disappointment.”

A week after Election Day, Dubbles was sent to a private psychiatric hospital in upstate New York where he is expected to live out the rest of his days watching old episodes of Jon Stewert-era “The Daily Show,” taking fabulous selfies and posting them to an anonymous Instagram account, and writing a memoir about life among savages.

Richard Omega
Richard Omega, whose minor roles included chief content fabricator and graphic designer.

“Franklin was always so passionate about his own ideas, even if they struck others as vapid, but he still wasn’t afraid to voice them, and that’s what counts,” said dentistry model Iris Pearl, who dated Dubbles in the spring of 2012. “He’d happily take to the streets to march in favor of polyamorous interspecies relationships, or go on Twitter to call for a boycott of the Smurfs for promoting an unrealistic body image, if he sensed it was the next big thing.”

Ichabod F.N. Herstal
Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who still weeps to this day when he remembers his time writing for “The Goat”

In addition to Dubbles’ tireless work as the Dandy Goat’s publisher and Omega’s humble offerings as chief content provider, several contributing writers did help to give the publication its reputation as one that would essentially publish anything. Not least among these writers is Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who over the last few years wrote nearly 60 articles for the Dandy Goat. I.M. Salmon, a relative newcomer, saw 11 of his articles digitally printed in the distinguished pages of the website.

Omega says that if Dubbles were able to speak today, he’d probably offer a tearful thank you to the devoted readers of the Dandy Goat and urge them to never give up the fight against — whatever is currently out of fashion.

“And then he would go back to grooming his eyebrows, something which he truly enjoyed,” Omega said.

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Help! I don’t know what to post on Facebook

April 22, 2015

Advice Bot: I don't know what to post on FacebookDear Advice Bot,

I’ve discovered that I’m increasingly at a loss for what to post on Facebook. Nothing exciting is going on in my life, and my physical appearance hasn’t changed enough in the last year to warrant a new profile pic. Still, I feel I should post something. Help me, please!      

–Feeling Boring

Dear FB,

You might feel like you’re not very interesting, but that doesn’t mean others won’t be fascinated by the minutiae of your life. So you cooked some macaroni and cheese last night? Take a picture and share it. Personally, my friends love that sort of thing. One time I posted a photo of a leftover, rotting salad from the Olive Garden, and it got 16 likes.

If you are not confident with using a camera, then why not share an inspirational meme? Everybody loves to glance at a pithy and possibly fake quote while refreshing their newsfeeds at 2:30 a.m. I’ll never forget the 7000+ quotes my closest friends have shared on Facebook. My favorite one is by Paulo Coelho: “Don’t kill kittens,” or something like that. A great philosophy to live by, don’t you think?

If words of wisdom aren’t your thing, just share links to articles that will make you appear smart or funny — or however you want to be seen. Don’t worry if you haven’t actually read them; your friends won’t either!

Best of luck to you.

A.B.

Advice Bot is the Dandy Goat’s in-house life expert. Her columns appear irregularly.

Help! My 5-year-old thinks he’s Julie Andrews

March 10, 2015

Advice Bot: My 5-year-old thinks he’s Julie Andrews

Dear Advice Bot,

In a fit of desperation to calm down my hyperactive five-year-old son, I put on a DVD of “Mary Poppins.” It’s been a month, and I still can’t get him to stop putting on his mother’s dresses and serenading my umbrella with “ A Spoonful of Sugar.”

Should I be concerned?   -Worried, This Father

Dear WTF,

WTF? Your son is clearly displaying signs of healthy gender curiosity, but instead of taking him out shopping for dresses in his own size, you write an email to me? I just hope that you haven’t set the poor kid on a course to become some deranged jock.

I got in touch with my former shrink, and she claims that your son is suffering from Mary Poppins Identification Disorder, which affects 10 out of 10 boys. The best way to help him to work through this is for you to start dressing up as Dick Van Dyke’s character Bert, and only communicate with your son through cheerful song and dance routines. After a few years, you can introduce a new song called “Let’s Go Back to Reality,” and with any luck the disorder will vanish. You may also want to adopt a cockney accent and take intro courses in chimney sweeping, but that’s entirely up to you.

The other expert I contacted was Robert, a film studies professor and the biggest Almodóvar fan I know. He says that your son has been looking for a strong female role model to guide him through his formative years. (Your wife has obviously dropped the ball, but that’s just my opinion.) It’s crucial that young boys are given the opportunity to play with genders before they settle on any one(s). In order to undo the harm that your own vexation has caused your son, Robert says that you should send him to school dressed in a tailored Edwardian-period nanny costume, and if tells classmates that his name is Mary, by all means support him.

A.B.

Advice Bot is the Dandy Goat’s in-house life expert. Her columns appear irregularly.

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