Carney resignation: friends cite health fears over ‘trying to keep a straight face’

WASHINGTON — Sources close to Jay Carney have told The Dandy Goat that the White House press spokesman’s decision to resign came amid fears he would be permanently disfigured by his efforts to keep a straight face while answering questions from the White House press pool.

While the issue has apparently been been a long-running concern for Carney and his family, friends say the immediate spur for his resignation came when he was rushed to the hospital last week after injuring himself while telling reporters that a recently uncovered memo about the 2012 attack on the US Consulate in Benghazi was not about the 2012 attack on the US Consulate in Benghazi. He underwent an emergency operation at Walter Reade medical center to reattach ligaments connecting his lower jaw to the left side of his skull.

This latest scare follows an incident in October 2013 when Carney permanently damaged nerve endings in his right cheek while trying to suppress a smirk after stating that people with private health insurance plans prior to the the passage of the Affordable Care Act would be able to keep them.

It’s not only Carney’s countenance that has been affected by his exertions. In April 2012, his efforts not to burst out laughing when he addressed a lunch hosted by the White House Correspondents’ Association and stated that “When I go stand up at the podium in front of the White House press corps, I never lie” caused permanent damage to his spleen and left him with a hernia.