Former president Bill Clinton has weighed in on revelations that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has exhibited appalling behavior toward women, including making sexually explicit comments as recently as 11 years ago, and socializing with scantily clad Playboy models in the 1990s.
“I’ve got to say that I’m impressed by Trump’s blatant perving,” Clinton told the Dandy Goat’s presidential dalliances correspondent Richard Omega. “He possesses the unrepentant lecherousness of a real pro, a fellow for whom the words ‘hands off, creep’ mean nothing, because no one has dared to say them to him before.”
“Bravo, Donald, Bravo,” he added.
However, Clinton acknowledges that if he and Trump were to go head-to-head in a perving battle, he would handily defeat the New York property developer.
“Has he ever dared to goose a female head of state while 100 reporters are watching?” he continued. “Did he ever coerce a women’s volleyball team into giving him a private nudie show in the Oval Office at 2 a.m., saying it was a matter of national security? How many ladies has he actually bagged? Only 50, 60 max? When I was at the top of my game, my little black book was more like a 32-volume set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Ol’ Hillary used to ask why I was journaling so much at night.”
The former Arkansas governor and twice-elected president went on to say that the public has a right to know, once and for all, who is pervier between the two of them.
“If you’re listening Donnie, I challenge you to an old-fashioned tell-all, just like we used to do in Arkansas, back when I was a shoeless country boy selling crickets to fishermen for nickels to buy a gander at old widow McCracken’s invalid daughter while she bathed in a feeding trough behind the barn,” Clinton added. “Just you, me, a TV crew, and the best true stories of unwanted fondling and nonconsensual humping you can muster. We’ll see who’s got bragging rights.”
“Till then, sure, let the media run with their little ‘Donald Trump is a bona fide perv’ narrative,” Clinton said. “But we all know who’s the best at that game.”