DES MOINES, Iowa — Defying the odds and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton’s wide lead in the polls, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-People’s Democratic Republic of Vermont) came a close second in Monday night’s Iowa Democratic caucuses, narrowly losing after Clinton snagged the remaining delegates by winning a classic game of chance.
With 99 percent of the Iowa precincts reporting, Clinton maintained a slight edge over Sanders, 49.8 to 49.6 percent. Officials in six precincts, where the contest was too tight to determine a clear winner, resorted to coin tosses to award remaining delegates.
“I’ve been informed that it is statistically improbable for Mrs. Clinton to have won all six coin tosses, like less than a two-percent chance, but I saw it with my own eyes, through my own one-inch-thick glasses,” Sanders told Dandy Goat tosser correspondent Richard Last.
“The Democratic Party official explained the rules to me, ‘Heads she wins, tails you lose,’” he said. “Seems fair enough.”
Because the official couldn’t locate the official coin, Clinton produced a quarter from a shriveled, bifurcated leather satchel that she is reported to always wear around her neck, according to one source.
Clinton refused to confirm or deny the story of the quarter and the satchel, saying that she and her campaign are now focused squarely on New Hampshire. When asked how she viewed her chances in the Granite State’s primary next week, Clinton replied, “It’s a toss up.”