Bernie Sanders campaign sets fundraising record with four VW buses, seven ounces of weed

Bernie Sanders campaign busBURLINGTON, Vt. — Staffers working on the presidential campaign of Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt., say they are thrilled after having broken a new fundraising record for the longtime congressman, raising four colorful Volkswagen buses and nearly half a pound of top-tier marijuana after only one week. This beats his previous coffer of four hemp necklaces and a six-pack of local microbrew that he raised for his senatorial bid in 2006.

Campaign manager Lisa Paulson says that she is “totally stoked,” and that with four working vehicles and ample pot, volunteers will be able to fan out and win the support of the nation’s college students who are vital to spreading the message that Sanders is the best candidate because he’s into “Scandinavian-style democratic socialism or whatever.”

While the four VW buses and drugs are enough to get the campaign off to a good start, Sanders will need much more if he wants to be a serious contender for the Democratic nomination in 2016.

“We’re hoping someone will donate a converted school bus with a Bernie-sized bed in it, and we’ll also need at least a ton of really good skunk so Bernie can spend all of next spring meeting voters, getting stoned with them, and giving factoids like how by law, women in Sweden can’t be fired, and they have 382 weeks of paid maternity leave,” Paulson said. “And in Denmark, there are six teachers for every student.”

“Also, free healthcare in Norway is so good that a child born today will grow to be seven feet tall and live to be 145 years old,” she added. “And Scandinavians have found a really good solution for dealing with growing prison populations. Did you know that jails in Finland have been replaced with wallless Montessori-style preschools where inmates are allowed to play out their frustrations?”

A source from inside the Sanders team said that their most ambitious fundraising goal is to acquire 100,000 clean pieces of cardboard and hundreds of new markers to make “Philadelphia or Bust” posters for volunteers who are expected to need transportation to the Democratic National Convention in July of next year.

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