A comically inept group called One Million Moms has organized a boycott of the network ABC because of the “perverted” new Muppets show, demanding that it be cancelled as there is no other way to stop it from appearing on television screens of the righteous.
“Growing up in rural Texas where we only watched Christian programming, I was never taught how to use one of those sorcerer’s widgets to change the channel, so my TV has been stuck on [local ABC affiliate] Channel 7 for the last nine years,” says the group’s president, Rebecca Nobrain. “This was never a problem until those Muppets with their perversions, and that Gonzo fellow with a nose that reminds one of a flaccid penis, took over my screen.”
“Sadly, my children saw bits of the show, and now they have turned into bona fide sexual deviants,” she added. “Last night, I caught my 12-year-old boy engaging in immoral acts with Mr. Bananas, his stuffed monkey.”
Longtime group member Vera Libidinous says that she was overwhelmed by an unholy lust on Tuesday night when she sat down with her pious husband and innocent toddler to watch the first episode and observed a nude Kermit the Frog cuddle up to Denise, his new porcine love interest.
“Those Muppets used satanic mind tricks to coerce me into getting aroused by watching interspecies fondling, so much that I wanted to ravage my husband right then and there, even in the presence of [18-month-old] Chastity,” Libidinous said. “Sadly, I had endure that unbearable feeling of warmth between my legs until a commercial break, at which point I tore myself away from the sofa and smashed the television with crowbar, as there is no other way to make the screen go dark, as far as I’m aware.”
Kentucky One Million Moms member and scout den mother Denise Biggs says that she’s outraged by Miss Piggy’s hints that as a newly single pig, she’s enjoying the sexual companionship of innumerable human men.
“If only God would send a lightning bolt through my electrical outlet to shut off my television and save me from viewing these wicked creatures, I might continue on the path of righteousness,” Biggs said. “And it makes no sense. Miss Piggy is rose-colored piece of stretched felt who sounds like a cross between a goose and a falsetto Fat Albert, so why is she getting laid, but not me?”