Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank teller

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America. Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. […]

Clinton to supporters: ‘Stay home on Nov. 8, I’ve got enough votes, thanks’

TAMPA, Fla. — Strutting across the stage in front of tens of dozens of supporters, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that she is confident she already has enough votes to win the race — and that her supporters should not waste time venturing out to polling stations on Election Day. “You can all stay […]

A woman fat-shamed me on the subway. So I ate her.

There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.” Can you believe that […]

Poll: majority only watching debate to hear ‘cuntface’ said on national TV

A recent poll by the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that the majority of Americans who are planning to watch Wednesday’s presidential debate are only doing so in hopes that the candidates will refer to each other as “cuntface.” While 53 percent say that hearing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump say “cuntface” on national television […]

Clinton delivers rousing speech in morgue

  LARAMIE, Wyo. — Vying for the support of a quiet but ever-growing voter demographic, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered a campaign speech on Monday to residents of a morgue in this sleepy Rocky Mountain town. “In all of his 494 appearances on network television, my opponent Donald Trump has not once mentioned you, […]

Tom Hanks starring as Harambe in upcoming biopic

  Animal rights advocates and Tom Hanks fans are eagerly awaiting an upcoming biopic about Harambe, the gorilla that was shot by Cincinnati zoo officials earlier this year after a three-year-old boy entered his enclosure. Directed by Hollywood veteran Ron Howard, “Harambe” stars Tom Hanks as the beloved silverback whose death sparked global outcry and […]

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate

Officials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to […]

Bill Clinton impressed by Trump’s perving skills

  Former president Bill Clinton has weighed in on revelations that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has exhibited appalling behavior toward women, including making sexually explicit comments as recently as 11 years ago, and socializing with scantily clad Playboy models in the 1990s. “I’ve got to say that I’m impressed by Trump’s blatant perving,” Clinton […]

Hurricane sending waves of giant fonts over parts of US

  Residents in coastal areas of the southeastern U.S. who remain in the path of Hurricane Matthew are reportedly being struck by waves of dangerously large fonts, with some measuring as many as 236 points tall. “I haven’t seen typeface this big since Hurricane Andrew in 1992,” said Daytona Beach resident Gus T. Wynd, 73, referring […]

French police seek public’s help in finding Kim Kardashian’s stolen ‘boob harness’

PARIS — A spokesperson for the French police unit that investigates crimes against famous people is asking residents of the capital to keep their eyes open for a black bra that was stolen from superstar Kim Kardashian. On Sunday, Kardashian, 35, survived a horrifying ordeal during which when five men dressed as police officers burst into […]

‘Lives matter’ activists crushed by meteorite

OAKLAND, Calif. — Dozens of Bay Area protesters allied with the Black Lives Matter movement, along with members of an opposing group called All Lives Matter, were killed on Friday morning in a freak astronomical incident. The BLM activists had gathered outside police headquarters to protest the shooting of a dark-skinned man in rural Afghanistan […]

Triumph for gender equality: Saudi Arabia approves 16 emoji for women

  Women in the conservative kingdom of Saudi Arabia are well on their way to enjoying the same rights as their male counterparts when it comes to hot new tech trends.   The Agency for the Promotion of Technology for Slow Persons, which oversees the use of computers and electronic devices by the kingdom’s estimated […]

Opposing views: I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate

My friends ask me, Donald, are you ready for the debate with crooked Hillary? I say, I have never been more ready for anything in my life. I’m going for the jugular! She won’t know what hit her. KO, first round. She’ll be on the ground twitching, like this, looking like a gazelle that just […]

Pope makes urgent appeal for peace in Brangelinastan

  VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is asking the world’s one billion Catholics to pray for peace in the nation of Brangelinastan, which erupted into civil war earlier this week and has since dominated world headlines. “As Brangelinastan has been engulfed in the destructive fires of unrest, so too have the flames spread to every […]

The 7 stages of grief when a celebrity dies

  It’s never easy to cope with the intense and oftentimes conflicted feelings that hit you like a ton of Botox when a celebrity passes away. Psychologists from the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute have identified seven distinct stages of grief that most individuals experience when someone famous dies. Confusion: When you first learn of the shocking […]

Hipster to ‘ironically’ vote for Trump

A 31-year-old hipster from Chicago has confirmed that he is going to vote for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, but that he’s only going to do so “ironically.” “At first I was, like, going for Bernie [Sanders], but then all my friends started turning into Sandernistas, so I was like, okay that’s boring now,” said […]

Man seriously injured after letting rattlesnake in his ass hole

  PIEDRAS NEGRAS, Mexico — A 45-year-old farmer from the north of the country was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after sustaining injuries when he let a venomous snake enter his ass hole. The hole, a six-foot-deep covered pit that Fernando Diaz-Culo sometimes uses as a stable for his burros, measures forty feet in diameter […]

Grandmother earns $6.7 million by helping Nigerian prince

  OMAHA — A 74-year-old grandmother of six from Kearny has become rich overnight thanks to a generous Nigerian prince who had requested her aid in a financial matter. Beverly Gorkin, a retired librarian who has lived in this rural farming community all her life, was surprised last month when she received a personal email […]

Victimized friends obliged to ‘like’ old profile photo for 100th time

  Panic broke out among the Facebook friends of Nadine Booker, a Houston-area teacher who on Monday scrapped her profile photo and reverted to an old one, marking the 100th time she has done that. By Tuesday morning, 138 out of 144 friends had “liked” the photo, yet most admit having done so only out […]

Actual, robust Hillary being held captive in RNC headquarters

  WASHINGTON — Vowing to escape in time for the November elections and expose the sickly impostor who has taken her place as Democratic presidential nominee, the real and physically fit Hillary Clinton has yet again scaled the 16-foot walls of her enclosure at the Republican National Committee headquarters to survey her surroundings. “Wake up […]