Ichabod F.N. Herstal

Revealed: Kerry obliged to hand over lunch money in Iranian nuclear accord

February 19, 2016

Shocking new details of last year’s controversial nuclear accord between the Obama Administration and Iran have been revealed to the Dandy Goat, fueling outrage over what is widely viewed as a humiliating defeat for the United States.

Many critics already considered the deal to be a blow to U.S. prestige in the Middle East, a conviction only reinforced by Iran’s seizure in January of U.S. naval personnel who were shown in TV images on their knees at gunpoint with their arms raised.

But newly emerging details reveal the depths of the personal humiliation to Secretary of State John Kerry, who had hoped to win a Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to build bridges with the Iranian regime.

A little-known subparagraph of the treaty states that in addition to unfreezing billions of dollars in frozen Iranian assets and agreeing to lift sanctions on the terror-sponsoring mullahs, Kerry will have to hand over his lunch money to Iranian diplomats when they are in New York for U.N. meetings.

Every morning before he leaves his Washington mansion or New York penthouse apartment, Kerry’s wife, the billionaire heiress Teresa Heinz, kisses her husband on the forehead and gives him $1,000 for his midday meal, but he is known to spend the money on extravagant sweets such as caviar-flavored gumballs, chocolate-covered truffles, and champagne lollipops.

But now when he arrives for business at the U.N., he has to run a gauntlet of waiting Iranian diplomats and staffers. Last week, Mr. Kerry was given a wedgie by two members of the Iranian delegation to the U.N. Human Rights Committee when all he was able to produce from his pockets were a few crumpled twenty-dollar bills and a wrapper from a bar of caramel-coated foie gras.

Sources close to Teresa Heinz say that some mornings her husband doesn’t want to go to work, and that she often has to drive him herself in one of their fleet of SUVs, walking him to the doors of the U.N. headquarters in Manhattan where he’s escorted in tears into the building by staffers despite his efforts to cling to his wife.

“Those Persian boys have no right to be so cruel to my sweet little Johnny,” Heinz said, according to an article about bullying published in Parenting Today magazine. “If they don’t knock it off, I’m going to talk to [U.N. Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon and see if he can’t have them all sit down and discuss their problems.”

State Department spokesgirl Marie Harf refused to comment on the allegations or take any questions from reporters. She was believed to be upset after female Iranian Embassy staff pulled her hair at a diplomatic reception and said Harf couldn’t be their friend because she was an infidel whore.

Fepubary is the new Movember

January 29, 2016

Hoping to emulate the success of Movember, the charity fad that has raised millions of dollars for testicular cancer research over the last several years, bored activists in California have announced the inauguration of “Fepubary.”

People who would normally shave or carefully trim their pubic hair for reasons of aesthetics, hygiene or sexual sensitivity are being encouraged to let it grow out next month — all for charity.

“We’re hoping to raise at least a million dollars for research into the causes of low testosterone in young men,” said Henry Schlon, a 52-year-old student from Los Angeles who says he came up with the idea of Fepubary while watching 1970s porn movies as research for his PhD thesis exploring the interface between postmodern pornography and neocolonial feminist literature.

Schlon says that the vast acreages of pubic hair on display in classic films such as “Deep Throat” and “Debbie Does Dallas” inspired him to try the unshaved look “down there” for himself. But at the same time, he says that he wanted to “give something back” to society.

“Personally, I’ve seen friends who wanted to show everyone how caring they were by trying to grow a moustache for Movember, and after a couple of weeks it just looks like they’ve got dark cappuccino froth on their upper lip,” said Schlon.

“By the end of November, some of them are lucky if they have a poor facsimile of an emaciated baby caterpillar under their nose. Showing off your lack of testosterone like that… Well let’s just say it’s not exactly a chick magnet.”

“People don’t like to mock them because they’re doing it for a good cause, but frankly it’s pretty humiliating,” he added. Why some people have trouble growing full and bushy moustaches, and possible links with low testosterone counts, is part of the research Schlon hopes to fund.

“I’m not going to beat about the bush,” Schlon told the Dandy Goat’s charity fad correspondent. “A million dollars is a pretty ambitious target, but I think we can do it.”

A portion of the money raised will also go to fund research into combating the unpleasant itching sensation that many people experience when shaved pubic hair begins to grow back. Schlon is already working on a campaign to further fund that cause, which he has tentatively named “Cocktober.”

Dyslexic ISIS cleric issues fatwa on Kirstie Alley

November 25, 2015

Former “Cheers” actress Kirstie Alley was believed to be in hiding somewhere in California Tuesday night after the Islamic State issued a fatwa calling for her to be beheaded as an apostate.

Friends of the actress say they are shocked and confused by the charge of apostasy because as to their knowledge, Alley, 64 — who is an outspoken advocate of Scientology — has never been a member of the Muslim faith.

Security analysts are studying reports that the fatwa was issued from a mosque in central Raqqa, the so-called capital of the self-professed Islamic State.

The head imam of the mosque is reported to be a leading ISIS spiritual adviser known to Western intelligence as Sheik Mahmoud ibn al-Jushaishi, who according to information received from the Iraqi intelligence services, was born in Baghdad and as a child was diagnosed with severe dyslexia.

Analysts are pursuing the theory that the fatwa was intended to be directed at Ayaan Hirsi Ali, the well-known Somali women’s rights activist who for over twenty years has been campaigning against Islamic extremism and the practice of female genital mutilation.

Hirsi Ali has been the subject of a number of death threats since publicly renouncing her religion and claiming political asylum in the Netherlands in 1992.

However, entertainment analysts are working on the theory that ibn al-Jushaishi is a fan of the early, pre-Alley seasons of “Cheers,” which feature Shelley Long as the female lead Diane Chambers opposite lothario bar owner Sam Malone.

Although television is banned by ISIL, illegal satellite dishes are able to pick up Turkish broadcasting and sitcom experts are poring over ratings figures and viewing intelligence to see if episodes of “Cheers” have been running on Turkish television.

One unnamed TV comedy analyst speculates that viewing old episodes of “Cheers” starring Long — or just episode 122, in which Alley first appears — could have sent the hard-line cleric into a rage and prompted him to issue the deadly fatwa.

Neither Long nor Alley were available for comment.

Alan Alda to tour Iraq with USO as ‘penance’ for ‘MAS*H’

November 19, 2015

Veteran actor Alan Alda has announced that he will be touring Iraq this winter with the USO to entertain U.S. troops serving as advisers and embedded trainers with the Iraqi military fighting against the Islamic State.

Friends and colleagues say the move is motivated by Alda’s guilt over his starring role in “M*A*S*H,” the hit 1970s TV show featuring the lives of army medics in Korea that is widely seen as a thinly veiled attack on American involvement in Vietnam.

The show relentlessly characterised Americans who cared about the struggle to keep South Korea free or wanted to defeat communism as buffoons or mentally unhinged, and ridiculed notions of patriotism and honor, while humanizing North Korean communists and portraying the boozing, womanizing, cynical medics and a combat-shirking, cross-dressing clerk as the real heroes of the conflict.

“Alan now realizes that ‘M*A*S*H’ belittled the sacrifices of the thousands of American and United Nations troops who died fighting for a just cause that they believed in,” said a close confidante of the actor, who added that there was no point naming himself as no one would know or care who he was. “What’s more, it contributed to the climate of anti-patriotic cynicism which in turn fuelled the anti-war movement and the demonizing of those who served in Vietnam as psychopaths and baby-killers.”

Alda, 79, will tour austere special forces forward operating bases across Iraq for two months, bringing his one-man show to audiences of elite Green Berets and Navy SEALs, many of whom are hardened veterans of multiple combat tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The show, “I Was Ray Clissold,” is a poignant three-hour monologue which features an aging homosexual thespian dying of AIDS in his Greenwich Village loft apartment and reflecting on a life of bittersweet memories, doomed love affairs and missed opportunities.

Asked how he expected the material to be received by burley, sex-starved special operators amped up on caffeine, hate and the adrenaline of combat, Alda’s friend said that Alda wasn’t concerned about critical acclaim, or what the theater critic of Stars and Stripes might have to say.

“Alan just cares about giving something back to those who served our nation,” said the friend. “Also, he hasn’t worked in years, and the USO gig comes with free food and lodging.”

German Air Force grounded after airstrikes target refugees

October 29, 2015

The entire German air force was grounded Wednesday night after planes that were supposed to fly to the Middle East to join the allied air campaign against the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria instead attacked refugees fleeing from the war-torn region to Europe.

At least four aircraft from the Luftwaffe — a name unchanged since the same force gained worldwide fame for its brutal air raids on cheery Londoners in 1940 — bombed and strafed columns of refugees along roads in Hungary and Slovenia in a series of strikes that took place on Wednesday afternoon.

Shocked refugees said that they had been concerned about the reception they would receive from a skeptical European public, but in the words of one elderly man, “this really takes the biscuit.”

In addition to the columns of refugees struck near the Slovenian-Hungarian frontier, a train carrying migrants from Vienna to Budapest was dived-bombed and derailed 70 miles north of the Austrian capital.

“As the people ran into the corn fields to get away from the burning train, the planes came back and swooped in low and machine-gunned us,” said one survivor, choking back tears.

As plumes of smoke continued to rise from the scene, emergency services put the death toll in the train attack at 41, a figure that was expected to rise as rescuers searched the burned-out carriages and surrounding fields for more bodies.

The number of dead in at least two other air raids stood at over 70 last night.

“Ve don’t know vot came uber zen,” Luftwaffe General Herman Fahrschule told an emergency press conference at Berlin’s defense ministry. “Ich can tell you vun thing, zey can’t pull das ‘Ve ver only obeying orders!’ crap zis time.”

The general said he “vas looking into” reports that the aircrews had been seen drinking heavily and singing patriotic songs in a beer hall on the morning of the attacks.

“Alcohol is no excuse! I had four liters of Stein-master before coming here to talk to you,” the general belched before punching a French journalist in the face.

Tornado pilot Captain Willy Straap expressed his shock after being relieved of his duties when he landed back at his base near Berlin on Tuesday evening.

“I don’t understand it,” he told reporters as he climbed down from the cockpit of his Tornado ground attack aircraft, its bomb racks empty and its Mauser cannons still smoking from the engagements.

“My uncle Josef spent ze first two years of ze Second Vorld Var doing what I did, und he got an iron cross with oak leaves, swords und diamonds!”