Cheering crowds continued to throng the streets of downtown San Francisco into the early hours of Monday morning as they celebrated the death of outspoken communist loudmouth and renowned asshole Colin Kaepernick.
Thousands of people of all ages waving American flags and popping champagne corks gave the thumbs-up sign to passing motorists who cheerfully honked their horns in a gesture of support.
Kaepernick, who had ruled the national media without mercy for the last four months with his regular incoherent outbursts of anti-American vitriol, died late Friday night due to complications from having an unusually tiny brain.
“No-one ever likes to celebrate the death of another human being,” said construction worker Stan Lobe. “But we’re all so happy that the asshole’s dead.”
Bay Area native Gary Cuboid said that while he felt sympathy for the Kaepernick family’s loss, he was “ecstatic and overjoyed” at the news of the second-string quarterback death, adding: “He was truly one of the early 21st century’s greatest assholes.”
Many 49ers fans expressed mixed emotions over the death of one of the most overrated members of their team. “I’m conflicted,” said Brett Strontium, 61 and a life-long 49ers fan. “On the one hand, we can now get back to just enjoying our football again without political controversy. On the other hand, Kaepernick was a total asshole.”
But despite the festive atmosphere, not all those on the streets were in a celebratory mood.
“I really loved him,” sobbed Gwen Stroke, a sophomore at USC majoring in Native American feminist metallurgy, who had congregated at a makeshift shrine outside the 49ers’ stadium with one other person — who turned out to be a confused homeless man looking for his dog.
“When he spoke, his charismatic yellow eyes drilled into mine, and it was like he was like berating me personally about my white guilt and about slavery,” said Stroke. “And he was so, so beautiful, he looked like a much older Trey Guevara, only … blacker. But oh my God, he was such an asshole.”
Kaepernick had been in the headlines again in the last few days after Cuban dictator Fidel Castro appeared at a public mass execution of political prisoners in Havana wearing a replica 49ers Kaepernick jersey.