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Ichabod F.N. Herstal

Communist asshole dead at 90

November 28, 2016

Colin Kaepernick deadCheering crowds continued to throng the streets of downtown San Francisco into the early hours of Monday morning as they celebrated the death of outspoken communist loudmouth and renowned asshole Colin Kaepernick.

Thousands of people of all ages waving American flags and popping champagne corks gave the thumbs-up sign to passing motorists who cheerfully honked their horns in a gesture of support.

Kaepernick, who had ruled the national media without mercy for the last four months with his regular incoherent outbursts of anti-American vitriol, died late Friday night due to complications from having an unusually tiny brain.

“No-one ever likes to celebrate the death of another human being,” said construction worker Stan Lobe. “But we’re all so happy that the asshole’s dead.”    

Bay Area native Gary Cuboid said that while he felt sympathy for the Kaepernick family’s loss, he was “ecstatic and overjoyed” at the news of the second-string quarterback death, adding: “He was truly one of the early 21st century’s greatest assholes.”

Many 49ers fans expressed mixed emotions over the death of one of the most overrated members of their team. “I’m conflicted,” said Brett Strontium,  61 and a life-long 49ers fan. “On the one hand, we can now get back to just enjoying our football again without political controversy. On the other hand, Kaepernick was a total asshole.”

But despite the festive atmosphere, not all those on the streets were in a celebratory mood.

“I really loved him,” sobbed Gwen Stroke, a sophomore at USC majoring in Native American feminist metallurgy, who had congregated at a makeshift shrine outside the 49ers’ stadium with one other person — who turned out to be a confused homeless man looking for his dog.

“When he spoke, his charismatic yellow eyes drilled into mine, and it was like he was like berating me personally about my white guilt and about slavery,” said Stroke. “And he was so, so beautiful, he looked like a much older Trey Guevara, only … blacker.  But oh my God, he was such an asshole.”

Kaepernick had been in the headlines again in the last few days after Cuban dictator Fidel Castro appeared at a public mass execution of political prisoners in Havana wearing a replica 49ers Kaepernick jersey.

Hillary Clinton: I sparred with Muhammad Ali

June 6, 2016

Hillary Clinton: I sparred with Muhammad AliPresumptive Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has paid tribute to boxing legend Muhammad Ali, recalling how she sparred with the three-time world champion in the early 1970s.

“I remember back in 1970 when the Nixon administration had banned him from boxing. I would often spar with him to keep him fresh, you know, keep him on his toes,” Clinton recalled.

And that wasn’t the only Clinton family connection to the man known as “The Greatest” to fans around the world.

“My daughter Chelsea was an au pair to his children at the same time. They used to call her mammy,” said Clinton.

“I remember the day Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot. I was eating fried chicken and watermelon with Muhammad’s mother. She wept uncontrollably into my shoulder. I still have that tear-stained dress.”

“And I just remembered that my middle name is Muhammad and that name was actually given to me by my parents in homage to Mr. Ali,” Clinton went on.

“After all, what nobler calling could an African-American have than to beat the crap out of another African-American for the amusement of white people, giving themselves permanent brain damage,” said Clinton.

“Another thing I just remembered,” said Clinton, “is that on 9/11 when I went into the South Tower to rescue Chelsea, Muhammad was there with me, and he took my hand and led me up those 398 floors.”

Clinton continued: “Muhammad, if he could have spoken coherently in the last few years of his life, would have said, ’You run girl.’ And you know what? That hot sauce I keep in my purse? It’s Muhammed Ali’s own recipe that I created with him when we were lovers.”

Nagasaki feeling burned over Hiroshima’s fame

May 25, 2016

Nagasaki still feeling burned over focus on Hiroshima
Atomic bombs dropped in August 1945 burst over Hiroshima, left, and Kawasaki, right. (Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

As the Japanese city of Hiroshima prepares to bask in the glow of a US presidential visit — and deal with the fallout of what has become a political controversy in America as rumors abound that Barack Obama is planning to apologize for the dropping of the first atom bomb in 1945 — the occasion has led to the reopening of some old wounds in a country which has largely put the horrors of World War II behind it.

The bitter division is reflected in the chant heard at every sports match between teams representing the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. “We’re number one! We’re number one!”

The words are unrelated to the sporting achievements of either city, both of whose teams languish near the bottom of Japan’s soccer, baseball and sumo wrestling leagues.

No.

The sickening refrain comes exclusively from the ranks of Hiroshima supporters, and it refers to their city’s status as the target of the world’s first atomic bombing.

Seventy years later, residents of Sakanagi must be thinking of a different motto to live by — “Close, but no cigar.”

Mitsubishi Honda, curator of Nagakasi’s A-bomb museum — a pale imitation of its spectacular and much-visited rival in Hiroshima, situated in the back of a decrepit downtown grocery store  — summed up the bitterness of his fellow Ganasakians.

“At peace rallies throughout the world, they always chant ‘No more Hiroshimas!’ No one ever says ‘No more Nagasakis!’, even though it’s considerably more alliterative,” he complains.

A kind of global historical amnesia surrounds the attack on what was at the time a thriving port city with a rich cultural heritage.

While everyone knows the name of the Enola Gay, ask any American the name of the Boeing B-29 Superfortress that dropped the second bomb on Sanagasi and people are likely to look at you like a dog that’s just been told a joke.

Those who do venture a guess come up with answers ranging from “The Spirit of St. Louis” to “The General Lee” or “Titanic.” In fact, the aircraft was called … Well I can’t remember right now. I’ll look it up later.

Ironically, the Hiroshima bomb — codenamed “Little Boy” — had a relatively crappy blast yield equivalent to 15 tons of TNT. The bomb dropped on Kaganasi — which somebody told me they thought was called “Little Girl… No wait…Donald Duck,” but it was probably something else — was apparently much bigger, with an explosive force equivalent to twenty-something tons of TNT.  

But when Ganakasians remind their Hiroshiman rivals of this, they are accused of being sore losers and making it up.

Even in death, Saganaki comes up woefully short. As few as 46,000 people may have died as a result of the bombing on 9th August 1945, and even the highest estimate of 80,000 dead falls shy of the lowball estimate of 90,000 for Hiroshima, where the actual death toll may have been as high as 146,000.

“Every year when the anniversary of the attack on our city comes around, the Japanese people are still recovering from their hangovers from Hiroshima celebrations three days earlier,” says Honda. “They barely notice August 9th.”

But it’s the way that the people of Hiroshima never pass up an opportunity to remind Kagasani who’s top dog that hurts even more than the lingering scars from radiation burns.  

Whether it’s snarky Facebook posts or spiteful graffiti with intricate Japanese characters spelling out an approximate translation of “Losers!” on train cars arriving from Hiroshima, the citizens of Kanagasi face constant taunting. And it hurts hardest for the dwindling band of survivors of the bombing.

Subaru Saki, who was just five years old when a blinding flash and loud bang changed her world forever, remembers visiting a restaurant in Hiroshima a few years ago.

“When the waitress heard my accent and realized where I was from, she made fun of me and said we were just trying to copy Hiroshima by getting bombed. I was embarrassed and went bright red. It was like I could feel the skin peeling off my face all over again.”

It seems that the people of Kawasaki are destined to struggle with a twin legacy of suffering and ignorance for another 70 years. Sorry, did I say Kawasaki? I meant Nagasaki.

Elizabeth Warren ‘on the warpath’ over Trump nomination

May 11, 2016

Elizabeth Warren ‘on the warpath’ over Trump nominationIn a move that could spell heap big trouble for the Republican party, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has recruited Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) to go on the attack against putative GOP nominee Donald Trump.

The arrangement was apparently confirmed at a top-level pow-wow last week. Analysts believe that Clinton and Warren, previously at odds on many issues, finally sat down and smoked the peace pipe.

A Clinton insider said that the two sides realized it would benefit both of them to bury the hatchet at this stage.

Warren’s fiery populist rhetoric is just one of many arrows in her quiver. If she were able to seriously damage the Trump campaign, it would be a major scalp for the Democrats.

Clinton campaign aides have denied rumors that Clinton initially offered Warren the VP slot in return for her help, but then withdrew the offer. “She’s not an Indian giver,” one aide said.  

Nevertheless, the stories set off a media stampede. Warren appeared red-faced when asked to comment on the rumor.

A source close to the senator claimed that some Clinton operatives “have gotten off the reservation on this one,” while other observers say that with several senior campaign workers saying different things, it seems to be a case of too many chiefs and not enough Indians.

Tim Cook to unveil iJihad social media platform

February 24, 2016

Apple to unveil iJihad social media platform
‘Apple-hu akhbar!’ Syrian ISIS fighters in the desert on Tuesday.

Pushing back against FBI demands that Apple provide access to the iPhone of dead San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farook, Apple CEO Tim Cook is set to announce the launch of a new mobile terror platform, tentatively nicknamed iJihad, later this week.

The platform will combine the best features of iMessage, Facebook and Dropbox to provide a one-stop shop for terrorist communications and networking.

Interviewed by the Dandy Goat’s terrorism and technology correspondent, Apple spokesperson Barry Pylon says that the platform will ensure that Apple continues to lead the way in terrorist communications security.

“We’ve always been at the cutting edge of terrorist communications innovation,” said Pylon. “For example, with the launch of the first iPhone we saw a quantum leap in terrorist productivity. It was the first mobile device to not only allow the remote detonation of an IED but also use its rear-facing camera to film the attack.”

“Not many people know this, but iMessage was developed directly in response to the needs of terrorist groups who were concerned that the NSA had developed the capability to track their cell phone calls,” Pylon added. “And the release of iOS 7 was the first time that jihadists had the functionality to automatically upload footage of beheadings and send it to media outlets via iMessage from an anonymous account.”

The new iJihad platform will go even further, allowing simultaneous live streaming of terrorist attacks on multiple social media platforms. At the same time, training manuals and plans for constructing IEDs and can be securely held in password-protected cloud storage and accessed by anyone with the iJihad app on their Apple mobile device.

It’s reported that Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is an Apple fanboy, and that he is in discussions with the corporation over sharing rights to the use the Apple logo. Initial design work has already been carried out on a new ISIS flag based on the Apple logo, with the addition of Koranic inscriptions.

The Islamic State’s embrace of Apple technology has been credited with helping the group’s rapid ascent to power in the Middle East, and its supplanting of al-Qaida as the number one terrorist threat to American interests around the world.

Meanwhile, speaking from a cave somewhere on the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan on an audio cassette tape recorded early last year and mailed to a newspaper in Dubai, al-Qaida’s digital media spokesman Ahmed bin Alooni says he has been trying to convince the organization’s leadership to switch to Apple devices for years.

“Unfortunately, Sheik Osama bin Laden — may Allah have mercy on him — became frustrated with Apple in the late 1990’s when they repeatedly failed to support Shockwave player, and he issued a fatwa forbidding the use of Apple products by the brothers,” bin Alooni said.

“We’re hoping that Ayman al-Zawahiri — may Allah give him many sons — will lift the fatwa soon. It’s possible that he may already have done so, but we haven’t heard, because drones keep taking out our couriers. I’d kill to get my hands on the new iPhone 2.”

While Cook’s support for the murderous radical Islamists seems bizarre, colleagues have said that he feels Apple and ISIS share a common bond. Both started life as small insurgent start-ups before growing into globally recognized brands that everybody hates.

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