Communist asshole dead at 90

Cheering crowds continued to throng the streets of downtown San Francisco into the early hours of Monday morning as they celebrated the death of outspoken communist loudmouth and renowned asshole Colin Kaepernick. Thousands of people of all ages waving American flags and popping champagne corks gave the thumbs-up sign to passing motorists who cheerfully honked […]

Hillary Clinton: I sparred with Muhammad Ali

Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has paid tribute to boxing legend Muhammad Ali, recalling how she sparred with the three-time world champion in the early 1970s. “I remember back in 1970 when the Nixon administration had banned him from boxing. I would often spar with him to keep him fresh, you know, keep him […]

Nagasaki feeling burned over Hiroshima’s fame

As the Japanese city of Hiroshima prepares to bask in the glow of a US presidential visit — and deal with the fallout of what has become a political controversy in America as rumors abound that Barack Obama is planning to apologize for the dropping of the first atom bomb in 1945 — the occasion […]

Elizabeth Warren ‘on the warpath’ over Trump nomination

In a move that could spell heap big trouble for the Republican party, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has recruited Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) to go on the attack against putative GOP nominee Donald Trump. The arrangement was apparently confirmed at a top-level pow-wow last week. Analysts believe that Clinton and Warren, previously at odds […]

Tim Cook to unveil iJihad social media platform

Pushing back against FBI demands that Apple provide access to the iPhone of dead San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farook, Apple CEO Tim Cook is set to announce the launch of a new mobile terror platform, tentatively nicknamed iJihad, later this week. The platform will combine the best features of iMessage, Facebook and Dropbox to provide a […]

Revealed: Kerry obliged to hand over lunch money in Iranian nuclear accord

  Shocking new details of last year’s controversial nuclear accord between the Obama Administration and Iran have been revealed to the Dandy Goat, fueling outrage over what is widely viewed as a humiliating defeat for the United States. Many critics already considered the deal to be a blow to U.S. prestige in the Middle East, […]

Fepubary is the new Movember

  Hoping to emulate the success of Movember, the charity fad that has raised millions of dollars for testicular cancer research over the last several years, bored activists in California have announced the inauguration of “Fepubary.” People who would normally shave or carefully trim their pubic hair for reasons of aesthetics, hygiene or sexual sensitivity […]

Dyslexic ISIS cleric issues fatwa on Kirstie Alley

  Former “Cheers” actress Kirstie Alley was believed to be in hiding somewhere in California Tuesday night after the Islamic State issued a fatwa calling for her to be beheaded as an apostate. Friends of the actress say they are shocked and confused by the charge of apostasy because as to their knowledge, Alley, 64 […]

Alan Alda to tour Iraq with USO as ‘penance’ for ‘M*A*S*H’

  Veteran actor Alan Alda has announced that he will be touring Iraq this winter with the USO to entertain U.S. troops serving as advisers and embedded trainers with the Iraqi military fighting against the Islamic State. Friends and colleagues say the move is motivated by Alda’s guilt over his starring role in “M*A*S*H,” the […]

German Air Force grounded after airstrikes target refugees

The entire German air force was grounded Wednesday night after planes that were supposed to fly to the Middle East to join the allied air campaign against the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria instead attacked refugees fleeing from the war-torn region to Europe. At least four aircraft from the Luftwaffe — a name unchanged since […]

Move over Team America — Team Russia is new World Police

   Puppeteering duo Trey Parker and Matt Stone have announced that they are working on a sequel to their 2004 cult smash “Team America: World Police.” But to reflect changing geopolitical realities, this time Vladimir Putin’s resurgent Russia will be cast in the role of the clumsy but well-intentioned global terror-fighting heroes. “Team Russia: World Police […]

Joaquin feared trying to cross southern border

  The U.S. border patrol is on maximum alert tonight after warnings that Hurricane Joaquin may try to enter the United States by doubling back on its current track and sneaking across the border from Mexico. The National Hurricane Center has even suggested that Joaquin could be smuggled across the border hidden behind a benign […]

US train heroes ‘hampered by surrendering Frenchmen’

The three American heroes who took down an Islamic terrorist on a French train last month were almost thwarted in their efforts to avoid a massacre by surrendering French passengers, the Dandy Goat can now reveal. The three friends, including two servicemen, were hampered in the attempts to charge the gunman by screaming Frenchmen running […]

Nazi fugitives to present pope with swastika crucifix

  A group of elderly Nazi war criminals who emerged from hiding deep in the rain forests of Bolivia in an attempt to meet with Pope Francis during his visit to the South American dictatorship are planning to present the Holy Father with a Swastika crucifix. The controversial move follows the highly publicized stunt last […]

Greek tramp runs out of German architect’s money

  As crisis talks over Greece’s continued membership of the troubled Euro currency continued in Brussels this week, the reality of the financial apocalypse facing this southern European nation famous for giving the world Demis Roussos and olives was playing out in a series of individual tragedies far from the glare of the world’s media. […]

Sharks being radicalized by social media: NOAA

  The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has suggested that the recent spate of shark attacks off U.S. beaches is linked to increasing radicalization of disaffected young sharks who are being “groomed” through underwater sonar messages by extremist elements taking advantages of outrage over mistreatment of sharks and other social grievances. In the last three […]

Rights groups hit back at Indiana ‘anti-snoring’ bill

A bill currently passing through the Indiana senate that would allow hotels and guest houses to refuse accommodation to people who snore loudly is drawing protests from snorers’ rights groups and advocates of sleep equality. The bill, known as the Peaceful Sleep Restoration Act, or PESRA, would give any establishment which is “wholly or mainly […]

All Britons allowed to touch royal baby

Respecting a tradition that goes back over five centuries, Prince William and Princess Kate have ordered the gates at Buckingham Palace opened this weekend to allow some 60 million Britons the chance to touch their newborn baby, Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. While some visitors to the palace simply wish to share the royal couple’s joy […]

Texas exhibition shootings were ‘performance art gone awry’ claims Muslim art group

Two armed men who were killed while trying to storm a Texas conference center where an exhibition of cartoons depicting the prophet of Islam was taking place were simply misunderstood street performers, it was claimed today. The Muslim Society of Islamic Street Theater and Pavement Arts has said that the two extremists who attacked the […]

Baltimore emerges as likely challenger to Ferguson in national riot playoffs

After a long night of looting, burning and assaults on police which left at least a dozen officers injured, Baltimore has emerged as a strong contender to face Ferguson in a head-to-head matchup next year to find the most riotous city in the USA. The unrest, which followed the funeral of Freddie Gray, an African-American […]