Leprosy: the decisive edge for admission to elite colleges

To:      Exceptional High School Juniors From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA. Subj:   The Fat Envelope Advantage Congratulations! You are receiving this e-mail message because you’ve scored 1550 or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA. Are you still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart […]

Israel and US schmooze about Arabs and Indians

  Rabbi Irgun Kahane-Ariel, Israel’s Deputy Minister for Occupation Affairs, sat down with George Armstrong Winthrop, Acting Director of the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs, for their annual confab in Washington, D.C. A partial transcript of their conversation became available to the Dandy Goat. K-A: Shalom! “Ma nish” (What’s up?), my friend. Hey, did you hear […]

Senator strikes deal with God over refugees

  Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.), arguably the most pitiless opponent of refugee resettlement in the United States, has undergone a stunning change of heart.  In a tearful interview with Oklahoma City’s KOFO-TV’s Channel 4 news, Inhofe said, “God spoke to me in a dream last night and said, ‘Jim, emigration to your own celestial home depends upon your easing the way for the […]

Top business school tells all: how we produce the best psychopathic predators

  The University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton Business School is offering a new course this fall: BUS 415: Concealing Your Psychopathic Identity: The Secret to Becoming a Master of the Universe by Adopting the Persona of an Empathic Individual. Intrigued by the title, I arranged an interview with Dr. Howard Roark, Dean of the Wharton School, and […]

There truly is a card for every occasion

  Perpetually on the lookout for another market niche, the greeting card giant Hallmark Cards, Inc. has unveiled a new entry. One would have thought that a card already exists for any contingency, but, in a flash of business-school avarice, Hallmark’s crack marketing team identified space for another lucrative profit center: cards for motherfuckers. To […]

CIA seeks to ‘Keep Fear Alive’

According to CIA director John Brennan, the quota for creating new ISIS recruits is falling behind, and “this threatens an ominous and even crippling ’enemy vacuum’ for the United States.” Even though U.S. drone strikes continue to kill scores of innocent people, not enough of their relatives are seeking revenge by becoming suicide bombers, hence […]

Revealed: Big Pharma’s big plan to cash in on Zika

  Note: The World Health Organization has declared the Zika virus an international public health emergency and some four million people may be infected this year. Zika may cause brain damage and unusually small heads in newborns — a condition called microcephaly. Women who become infected while pregnant are at especially high risk. Uppyurs Pharmaceuticals, […]

Exclusive: excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s speech to Goldman Sachs

  In 2013, Hillary Clinton gave three speeches to Goldman Sachs for the modest speaking fee of $675,000. Below is an excerpt from the never-before-released* transcripts of one of these speeches. Included is some pre-speech schmoozing caught on mic. Voice: Hey Hill! Great to see you. HC: Hi Lloyd! [Lloyd Blankfein, Chair & CEO, Goldman […]

Chia Cartel delivers some babies competitive edge

  Has anyone else noticed the sudden scarcity of Ugandan Purple (UP) chia seeds? If you can even find this elusive product it will cost you upwards of $350 for a 12-ounce bag.  And just yesterday, futures trading in UP was suspended because all outstanding quantities had been acquired by the shadowy, New York City-based Chia […]

Texas college wants to outsource Saudi beheadings

SALVATION SPRINGS, Texas — Thanks to a bold marketing stroke, Salvation Springs College in Texas may solve its precarious financial future while simultaneously scoring a diplomatic coup with the government of Saudi Arabia. Last week, college president Gretchen Pragmati announced that the small liberal arts college has offered to outsource a limited number of the […]

Vagina vote

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Although sparing readers the graphic details, Piper “Pips” Waspinger leaves no doubt that when the voting booth curtain closes, her genitalia will push Hillary Clinton’s button. After reading Waspinger’s recent article, “I am voting with my vagina,” I caught up with her in South Carolina, site of the next Democratic primary.   Anticipating […]