Following skepticism about her claim she was nearly assaulted by protestors who stormed the Capitol on Jan. 6, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has admitted in an Instagram video that her story was not entirely truthful.
“I’ve never told this to anyone before, but on that fateful day, Senator Cruz used some kind of old-timey Texan telekinesis, probably stolen from native peoples, to make a ceiling fan fall on my head,” she said. “At which point my social media presence and body parted ways, which is to say I transitioned to deceased.”
Ocasio-Cortez says that following her death, which she regrets was unable to share on social media, she descended into a place “that resembled hell.”
“It was like one of those old honky-tonk bars you see in movies,” she said. “There were a bunch of guys there named Butch and Bubba with eyes set too close, and they all looked at me like I was just some dumb floozy at a bar, not an esteemed Latinx congressperson who identifies as she/her.”
“One of them asked if I wanted a drink, but I knew that was racist code meaning he was going to kidnap me and force me to watch UFC matches and old episodes of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger,’” she continued. “I ran out to the parking lot and nearly died a second time when I saw that literally every truck in the parking lot had a gun rack.”
Ocasio-Cortez says that she spent the next three days travelling through this hellscape before she stumbled upon an independent bookstore that functioned as a portal back to a state of aliveness and total wokeness.
Sources indicate that while Ocasio-Cortez’s story will almost certainly be accepted as factual by most new sources, it’s possible she merely bumped her head on a doorframe, suffered from a mild concussion, and wandered into a hipster bar.