WASHINGTON — Saying “screw those loan sharks,” the U.S. went to its bank Monday to change all of its dollar bills into pennies.
Fed up with $17 trillion of debt hanging over its head, the U.S. finally decided to pay it all off — but with the stipulation of “sticking it to those guys real good.”
“They have to take the pennies. It’s money, right dude?” the U.S. said as its beat-up 1996 Honda Civic sagged under the weight of the coins. “The look on their faces is gonna be so freaking funny when we dump these right at their feet.”
Among other creditors the U.S. plans to reimburse in pennies are the Social Security Trust Fund, China, Japan and Brian, an old friend from high school who keeps asking when the hell the U.S. is going to pay him back for that fifty bucks he reluctantly agreed to lend in July.
Responding to suggestions that it should at least keep the pennies in rolls, the U.S. said, “No way, dude, that would defeat the whole purpose.”
After the U.S. dumped heavy sacks of pennies on the steps of various embassies and federal government buildings in Washington D.C., it tied its flannel around its waist and lit a Marlboro red. Taking a long drag, it flipped the bird with both hands.
“Take that, you a-holes,” the U.S. said.