Angry Mizzou protesters ‘just constipated’

Angry Mizzou protesters ‘just constipated’In an interview with the campus newspaper Maneater, one of the leaders of the University of Missouri protest group Concerned Student 1950 says that the main source of their discontent is chronic constipation.

“We love Mizzou, and this school has some great professors, but its leadership needs to face the hard, smelly, uncomfortable truth,” said sophomore Monica Jeune, who joined the movement last month after feeling increasingly blocked up. “For many students, healthy diets are tricky to come by, and eating poorly can wreak havoc on our digestive tracts.”

“Time and again, the university has failed to provide us with enough roughage,” she said. “We are all just very constipated.”

She went on to say that many of the group’s members haven’t enjoyed a bowel movement in over a week, causing tremendous discomfort, which in turns makes them grouchy and more likely to lash out.

“We huddle together, doubled over and furious, and we shout verbal abuse at whichever university official happens to walk by, whether that’s [outgoing president] Tim Wolfe, or [outgoing chancellor] R. Bowen Loftin,” Jeune said.

The group is demanding that advisors be assigned from the school’s Department of Nutrition and Exercise Physiology to verify that each student consumes adequate amounts of fiber and at least a half gallon of water everyday — the most effective ways for preventing constipation.

“And why does the school not remind us to go to the bathroom two times per day, once in the mornings and again in the evenings?” Jeune said. “Many freshmen come to this school not knowing when they should or should not poop.”

“So we hold it in, and our fecal matter gets all compacted, and the administration wonders why we’re so pissed off,” she added.

Another member of group, a graduate education student who declined to be named, says that during spring semester, he didn’t pass stool for an entire month, which led to him feeling miserable and failing two courses — but no official reached out to help him.

“Every student, regardless of race, background, or economic status, has a right to be informed about the soothing effects of laxatives so that we may pursue our studies without constantly feeling like we have a brick sitting in our colons,” he said.

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