‘And no schwag this time,’ Malia orders Secret Service agent

WASHINGTON — First Daughter and recreational smoker Malia has reportedly sent Carl Goodwynn, a six-year veteran of the Secret Service, back into the city after the marijuana he procured for her proved to be of poor quality. “And no schwag this time,” the 18-year-old firstborn of Barack and Michelle Obama shouted as the agent hurried off the White House grounds. “None of that seedy, Mexican street shit. I want some good stuff.” Within 45 minutes, the agent returned to the presidential residence and coolly handed Malia a hollowed-out book that concealed an eighth of an ounce that sources say closely resembled in look and smell a stash of Blue Dream belonging to Vice President Joe Biden.