Actual, robust Hillary being held captive in RNC headquarters

WASHINGTON — Vowing to escape in time for the November elections and expose the sickly impostor who has taken her place as Democratic presidential nominee, the real and physically fit Hillary Clinton has yet again scaled the 16-foot walls of her enclosure at the Republican National Committee headquarters to survey her surroundings.

“Wake up every morning at the crack of dawn, run 450 laps around this dank cell, complete three supersets of pushups, squats and jumping jacks, look for insects to consume for protein, and never lose faith,” Clinton whispered to herself after leaping down upon spotting an approaching RNC staffer. “With God as my witness, I will make it out of here alive to show the world just how healthy the real Hillary Rodham Clinton is.”

“Luckily, I’ve kept myself in top physical form these past decades with a strict diet of raw vegetables, nuts and fermented yak milk, as well as a daily regimen of yoga and Crossfit,” she reminded herself. “And by starting every day with a Times crossword puzzle and an episode of ‘Jeopardy,’ my mind has never been sharper.”

Clinton, 68, has been held captive since earlier this year, having been replaced by RNC operative and Clinton lookalike Betty Carlson, 86, a chronically ill smoker and former stage actress from Reno, Nevada.