Are you dying for your handsome colleague to notice you, but you feel like the invisible woman whenever he’s around? Try these surefire tricks to get him to see the real you.
1. Dress up as a cow: Cows make him think of milk, and milk reminds him of breasts. Your breasts.
2. Get a crazy sunburn: No matter how polite he is, he won’t be able to take his eyes off your crimson second-degree burn.
3. Steal his expensive sunglasses, then wear them around the office: He might pretend to be annoyed, but deep down he’ll think “awwwww.”
4. Find out his mother’s name, and legally adopt it as your own: When at the next team meeting you announce everyone must now call you Donna Mae, his heart will skip a beat.
5. While he’s in earshot, mention you’re thinking of selling your virginity on Craigslist: No man can resist the allure of a woman in her late-20s who’s still a virgin and entrepreneurial.
6. Start a terrible rumor about him: Today’s men are more sensitive than in the past. A nasty rape rumor can really hurt a man’s feelings, and he’ll want to know who started it. He’ll be sniffing you out in no time.
7. Ebola: Mention to colleagues that your roommate has just returned from West Africa with flu-like symptoms, and then say you’re not feeling so hot, either. After that, not a single man in the office will be able to ignore you.
8. Sleep with him: What man won’t notice a woman who is naked and on top of him? If you’re worried he’ll forget you afterwards, start gasping about your missing inhaler and play dead. That way, you might even get a little postcoital mouth-to-mouth.
9. Self-immolation: This method for getting attention is as old as time itself. Setting yourself on fire in his presence not only makes his temperature rise, but if he’s any kind of hero, he will jump on you to smother the blaze. If you’re lucky, this hot act might spark a long-term yearning to care for you.