Inane and offensive speech acts


Seriously, if I read about another uneducated redneck saying something I find offensive, I’ll scream. Or maybe I’ll throw my MacBook at the barista who never says “you’re welcome” when I thank her for the latte.

What a busy week it’s been in the Department of Offensive and Inane Speech Acts. It’s as if falling temperatures are causing all the idiots’ brains to slow down even more, compelling them to make public declarations of their idiocy.

Guess who’s making jokes about Guantanamo Bay? I’ll tell you, and you can quote me on this: the journalist Joan Walsh has reported that the journalist Ben Smith reported that an unnamed source reported that several guests at a NYC gala attended by neocons reported that Dick Cheney — I know, right? — said something to the effect that it was good — or something — that he and the other neocons were lucky to be having dinner at the Plaza, rather than sitting in cages at a war crimes trial. Maybe it was Joe Lieberman who reportedly said it. Anyway, you can just imagine Dick Cheney laughing and then snarling. What a bunch of creeps for having maybe said that, and then possibly laughing. You know what I’d say to Cheney if I saw him? Why don’t you go back to Wyoming and bury yourself in two tons of sheep mature, country boy.

Speaking of hillbillies, Rush Limbaugh — and yes, I just puked all over my keyboard, and when my roommate asked why I puked and I said “typing the name Rush Limbaugh,” I puked again — apparently said he wished Barack Obama was white. I know, that’s not exactly what he said, but you know he thinks that way. What he actually said is that critics of President Obama were holding back, fearful of being seen as racist. Well you know what, fat boy? Noting that the president is of a different race than you is a de facto act of racism. It’s like you’re saying “look, he’s different from us and we can’t trust him.” Schmuck extraordinaire, I swear. Before you open your mouth again Rush, I suggest you take a sensitivity course at your local community college.

Speaking of blatant racism, I read an interesting article about the canonical 1998 Nintendo game “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.” It turns out the game is not only racist, but sexist, classist and spiteful toward animals. I know, right? And that whole month back in 1999, I thought I was just playing an innocent game about a smooth-faced boy in tights wishing to save a woman he loves. I was dead wrong.

Think about it. In “Ocarina of Time” you have Kakariko workers depicted as lazy. You have the desert-dwelling Gerudo bad guys (or girls, as the case may be) with bronze skin. You have a princess, Zelda, and she ain’t no Xena. She needs a man — or whatever Link is — to save her. And to top things off, remember the happy cows of Lon Lon Ranch? That’s right. Those enslaved bovines were as pleased as punch to offer their milk to Link, the human — or whatever — oppressor.

The not-so subliminal message is that women should have no agency in the world of men — or whatever species and sex Link and the villain Ganondorf are. Creatures with bronzed skin (read this as black) like the Gerudo are likely to use desert magic to reduce our power hearts. Peasant villagers need to be monitored closely, lest they nap while the hens escape, and talking cows exist for our pleasure, not theirs. “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” could have been written by Republicans. If I had known it was such a rotten game, I’d have never let my mom buy it for me.

There are 9,997 other reasons why I’m pissed off today, but unfortunately the editor will only let me write so many words. It’s for the best, anyway. I need to relax and I shall do so momentarily by lighting some lavender-scented candles.

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