1. If it takes them forever to get your order, they’re probably busy screwing each other in the dry storage room.
This is simply not true. If all the servers seem to disappear, it’s because they’re smoking a joint out back with Carlos, the dishwasher.
2. They are naked underneath their little aprons.
To be honest, this is usually true, at least going by the example of the Cheesecake Factory in Boulder, Colorado.
3. Most servers are amped up on caffeine, speed or energy drinks.
Well actually, this is also true.
4. If you are rude, they will spit in your food.
One of the most oft-repeated lies about the service sector. In fact, waiters care deeply about their appearance, and they don’t want to risk leaving a trail of phlegmy spittle on their lower lips. If you are an annoying customer, waiters tell the busboys to hawk a good one in your appetizers, and jeez, those guys do it with gusto.
5. Waiters only get make $2.13 per hour plus tips
95 percent of waitstaff pilfer half-empty bottles of Tabasco sauce and unused napkins which they later sell for a hefty price on eBay. The whole ‘struggling waiter’ thing is a sham.
6. Servers only introduce themselves by name because they’re looking to squeeze a bigger tip out of you.
Baloney. Servers take one look at you, and they can tell you’re the type of amiable, inquisitive eater they’d like to get to know on a personal basis. So make sure to tell them your name after they introduce themselves, and consider getting connected on Facebook. That way your friendship can really blossom.
7. Most waiters adopt a falsetto voice to make themselves appear meeker.
They do do that, don’t they? How utterly weird.
8. When a server says, ‘how are we today?’ she really means, ‘how are you today?’
Uh, no. Actually, most waitstaff are just grade-A bonkers with multiple personalities and a penchant for cutting themselves. If your server says ‘we,’ she is referring to her many selves.
9. People only wait tables while they’re transitioning between real jobs, or trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives.
This is completely false, but it’s a good idea to verify this the next time you go out to eat. Waiters love having customers say, “Is this your real job?”
10. If you tell them it’s your birthday, they’re obliged to sing “Happy Birthday to You” and offer you a free desert.
This is one of the most obnoxious myths about waiters. The truth is that almost every server will happily sing and give you a free slice of chocolate cake as long as you ask nicely, but for some odd reason people only request this special treatment once a year.