Vagina vote

Vagina VoteCHARLESTON, S.C. — Although sparing readers the graphic details, Piper “Pips” Waspinger leaves no doubt that when the voting booth curtain closes, her genitalia will push Hillary Clinton’s button. After reading Waspinger’s recent article, “I am voting with my vagina,” I caught up with her in South Carolina, site of the next Democratic primary.  

Anticipating my first question, she volunteered, “Yes, yes, I know what you’re going to say so I’ll readily concede it. Hillary never met a war she didn’t like and has blood on her hands, she whores for Goldman Sachs and big pharma, seeks advice from war criminal Henry Kissinger, helped shred the safety net for poor people, is a member in good standing of the ruling class and vociferously attacked other women while defending a sexist pig — her husband.”  

“However,” she quickly added, “For me, vaginal solidarity easily trumps these peccadilloes. I mean, really, how can I tell my seven-year-old daughter that she can be president one day unless there’s a vagina role model in the White House?”

Sporting pins featuring a black X across a penis symbol, Waspinger and other upper-middle-class feminists are urging that, if elected, Clinton only appoint vaginas to high-level positions in her administration. Coincidentally, there are unconfirmed reports that a few prominent male politicians have tentatively scheduled gender reassignment surgery in hopes of gaining a step on the competition.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one eager job applicant confided, “Switching my gender is a small price to pay for continuing my career in public service and the lucrative lobbying opportunities that will follow.” Other men have been seen furtively pouring over passages from “The Vagina Monologues” and memorizing gyno-friendly phrases to score points during job interviews.

Whether any of these politically expedient moves pass what one man termed “the clit-mus test” remains to be seen. For now, evidence of a vagina seems to be the sole prerequisite for some Hillary supporters.