US train heroes ‘hampered by surrendering Frenchmen’

The three American heroes who took down an Islamic terrorist on a French train last month were almost thwarted in their efforts to avoid a massacre by surrendering French passengers, the Dandy Goat can now reveal.

The three friends, including two servicemen, were hampered in the attempts to charge the gunman by screaming Frenchmen running away from him.

The heroic charge by the Americans almost failed as they splashed through puddles of urine left by terrified passengers and tripped over Frenchmen prostrated in the aisle attempting to hurriedly convert to Islam.

Dozens of other passengers sustained minor injuries including cuts and bruises after they jumped from the train in panic long after the incident had ended. Others suffered torn muscles as they frenziedly thrust their hands into the air in an attempt to surrender to the rampaging terrorist.

Still others fainted and had to be revived with smelling salts, and several were trampled by their fellow travelers while trying to enter into peace negotiations with their attacker.

A French actor who was praised as a “hero” for sounding the alarm to get others to come and help after the Americans had already taken down the gunman and was initially thought to have been shot was later found to have injured his hand while frantically trying to activate the emergency alarm.

Many of those who survived the attack have spoken angrily about the panic and terror caused by the American’s actions.

“Eet is an outrage,” said Gilles Le Fromage, a French student and part-time puppet-theater set designer. “First zees American imperialists try to arrogantly take over our country and our continent wiz zeir crappy McDonalds and zeir stupid Disney Land.”

“And now zey come charging into our trains when such an intervention should clearly be left to zee United Nations,” he said. “Ooh la la!”