United States hosting its own World Cup

USA World Cup soccer spoof parody satire humorMIAMI — Annoyed by everyone’s indifference to its participation in the World Cup, this summer the United States is hosting its own global soccer tournament.

“Ours is going to be bigger and more spectacular, with teams that truly are from all over the globe,” said Bryce Campion, a hedge fund manager from Miami who organized the event. “We’re looking beyond those handful of nations FIFA prefers, only because of cultural legacy and the fact they build winning teams.”

“Why limit ourselves to the 32 same ol’ boring names from Europe and South America, and Africa, and Asia, and Mexico, when we can include a broad range of teams from North America,” Campion added. “From way up in Alaska all the way down to Puerto Rico.”

The U.S. World Cup will coincide with the FIFA World Cup, a move that Campion and others say will highlight FIFA’s shortcomings. For example, critics say the FIFA World Cup does not afford the United States any inherent advantage, and in fact it doesn’t give a shit if the United States even qualifies. Critics also charge FIFA of refusing to change the rules to allow regular breaks that would give American corporations a fairer chance to advertise their honest goods and services.

Taking place in over a dozen cities in Florida, the U.S. World Cup opens June 12, with the exciting final match in Miami on July 13. The tournament will feature some of the biggest names in global soccer, including the Iowa City Welders and the Pasadena Oaks.

“No one disputes that the World Series is the most important baseball tournament in the world, even if it’s dominated by American teams,” Campion said. “We want people to recognize the U.S. World Cup as the most important soccer tournament in the world, period.”