MANCHESTER, N.H. — Using a megaphone to command supporters to join him in a butt-shaking dance called the “Trump Bump,” presidential candidate Donald Trump did a victory lap in a golden chariot, just minutes after it became apparent that he had overwhelmed his opponents in New Hampshire’s Republican primary.
As many as two dozen bikini models pulled the chariot around around the Verizon Wireless Arena on Tuesday night while speakers blasted MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” and the candidate’s daughter Ivanka met supporters and offered free fashion tips.
Nursing assistant and campaign volunteer Maggie Luck said that Trump’s victory proves that Americans are sick and tired of politicians who only travel around in motorcades and don’t even refer to themselves in the third person.
“We deserve a leader who isn’t afraid to use the U.S. military for the reason it was intended: to blast a huge crater in Iraqistan, fill it with Bud Light, and next to it construct a 110-story, 6000-room pleasure palace called Donald’s Delight,” she said. “With the revenue it’d bring in, we could pay for every American home to be outfitted with a hot tub and an awesome water slide.”
Longtime Trump fan Paul Oswald says that while the post-win spectacle was good, it fell short of what he had envisioned.
“I had a vivid dream last night in which Donald Trump had grown hawk wings, and he was circling above a stadium while leaving a trail of red, white and blue smoke,” Oswald said. “When a protester heckled him, he swooped down and blasted her with a laser gun attached to his head.”
Ryan Leeks, who is in charge of entertainment for the Trump 2016 campaign, says that he had tried to rent lions that were going to devour a sheep dressed in a Jeb Bush costume, but that state law forbids the sacrificing of animals at political rallies.
“Just wait until we go to Nevada next week,” he said. “We’re going to build a giant effigy of Ted Cruz and have a former Miss America finalist parachute in from 60,000 feet and land on a button that will set off a charge of dynamite and blow the whole thing up. It will be awesome.”