TMZ launches tiny probe capable of entering Kristen Stewart’s butthole

TMZ probe to explore celebrities' buttholes LOS ANGELES — TMZ has finished construction of a tiny probe capable of entering and exploring stars, according to its website.

Measuring only six microns in length, TMZ 1 will provide insight into celebrities’ bodies, giving us a better understanding of how stars digest food, have sex and respond to expensive drugs and alcohol.

The vessel will be manned by a pilot and a senior TMZ reporter, and it will be equipped with a laboratory to analyze blood, fecal matter and urine.

“Finally, we may get answers to timeless questions like: Is Kristen Stewart refusing to smile because she’s got diarrhea caused by irritable bowel syndrome?” said TMZ founder Harvey Levin, who will be onboard for the maiden voyage into the actress’s intestines.

Levin says TMZ 1 will bring us closer to a total understanding of the hottest stars’ biological functions.

“TMZ 1 will take us places that, in the past, we only dreamed of visiting,” Levin said. “From the bladder of Miley Cyrus to the urethra of Lil’ Wayne, we will leave no kidney stone unturned.”

TMZ 1 celebrity probe observing sperm and egg

TMZ 1 will give the public a clearer picture of John Mayer’s spermatozoa.

“Future generations won’t have to wonder about [George Clooney’s fiancée] Amal Alamuddin’s menstrual cycle, or her ovaries, and how many eggs she’s got left,” he added. “They’ll know, because they can read about it on TMZ.”

While few details have been released about the maiden voyage into Stewart — the female lead of the “Twilight” series — sources indicate the 63-year-old Levin, along with a pilot, will go through rigorous dieting in order to fit inside the vessel that’s slightly smaller than a blood cell. The expedition is predicted to last about one week — or until the vessel is excreted in a public toilet where it can be retrieved by TMZ interns.