It’s Movember and apparently that stands for More (white men uttering offensive words in) November. If I die of acute moral outrage before I finish writing this article, please sue the three jerks I’m going to tell you about. Ready for your blood to boil?
White male jerk number one: Rand Paul
Did you know that Kentucky Senator Rand Paul — son of nutty libertarian Ron Paul — threatened to kill his critics?* Hello, police, could you kindly arrest this man? Paul is from Kentucky, and we all know those bourbon-drinking hicks would love nothing more than to blast their uzis at us big-city educated types. And why, just because we know how to pronounce hegemony — and can use it correctly in a sentence?
And get this, kids: my dear friend Joan Walsh** also reports that little Rand Paul fancies himself a “writer” and has been branding himself thusly. Randy boy, if you want to see some real writers, you need to get out of your Kentucky hillbilly estate and come to New York. Hell, go to London or L.A. if you prefer, just wherever more than 10 percent of the population can read this article. Literacy is the first step to being literary.
White male jerk number two: Chip Wilson
Next is an entrepreneur whose company Lululemon was, I thought, socially progressive, but now I see he’s just a run-of-the-mill male chauvinist, and the garments his company peddles are crude instruments of female objectification. Who knew that yoga pants were designed with an eye for sexiness?
Chip Wilson showed his true colors in an interview this week. I quote:
“The majority of the world’s women are fat heifers who dare attempt to shimmy into our sexy yoga pants like manatees squeezing through a garden hose. These women should instead be draping themselves with king-sized bed sheets sewn together.” ***
I know, right? All you ladies had better throw out your cute Lululemon tops and pants. While you’re at it, just quit yoga altogether to really stick it to Chip.
White male jerk number three: Lorne Michaels
I’ve saved the best for last. You remember Saturday Night Live, right? It’s that show you used to watch before you were old enough to start petitioning for Greenpeace on Saturday nights. Innocent, mediocre humor interrupted by pedestrian musical guests, right?
Did you know that executive producer Lorne Michaels is racist — and misogynist?
If you’re an SNL fan and you hadn’t noticed this, then you’re no better than some Confederate-flag-waving lizard at a Tea Party rally: among the cast members, none are black and female.*** The common and offensive practice has been to have black male cast members play black women. Clearly, executive a-hole Michaels thinks it’s “funny” to make black men dress as black women, all for the entertainment of a presumably affluent white audience.
I wasn’t watching your show before, Mr. Michaels, and I will be not watching with even more resolve. You, sir, ought to spend a few weeks in a sensitivity camp. Ah, if only we the legal grounds to lock up people like you, the world would be a much less offensive place.
Oh boy, friends, I must leave you until next week. I’m so angry, I’m ready to start kicking some privileged white male ass. Plus, I’ve reached my word limit.
*Paul didn’t exactly say “kill” — he said “shoot.” Well, he didn’t exactly say “shoot” — he said he wanted to have “a duel” with his critics. While his PR people want us to believe that “a duel” is a mere figure of speech referring to a heated debate, we know better than that. These guys are all violent gunslingers.
**If anyone is attuned to our sense of moral indignation, it’s Salon.com, led by the peerless Joan Walsh. Joan, you’re a real lady, and if there’s a place in heaven for the mostly vigilantly offended among us, it’s reserved for you. My only hope is to be next to you after I kick the bucket so that we may seek offense in the afterlife, for the rest of eternity, amen.
***In the interest of journalistic standards, I admit I slightly tweaked what Wilson said, which was that some women’s bodies don’t really form an ideal match with his company’s yoga pants. Still, you know what that jerk really wanted to say, right? Right?
****After researching racial composition of the United States, I’ve discovered that while blacks make up 13 percent of the population, Hispanics as a group are larger; they comprise 16 percent. So while we must demand that Lorne Michaels include black females in his cast, prior to that he should hire a Hispanic man or woman, of whom he currently employs zero to star in his goofy skits. Since there are only around a dozen cast members, he might find that he needs to fire some of the white male actors in order to ensure better representations. And let’s not even talk about Asians. I doubt Mr. Michaels even knows what an Asian is, precisely.