There truly is a card for every occasion

 

Happy Motherfuckers DayPerpetually on the lookout for another market niche, the greeting card giant Hallmark Cards, Inc. has unveiled a new entry.

One would have thought that a card already exists for any contingency, but, in a flash of business-school avarice, Hallmark’s crack marketing team identified space for another lucrative profit center: cards for motherfuckers.

To wit, upon opening the new card, a pre-recorded voice chip announces in no uncertain terms, “Have a nice day, motherfucker! Guess who?”

Hallmark spokesperson Felix Good believes there are two potential sets of card buyers within this category, each with slightly different needs, and the cards reflect that difference. According to Good, “Who hasn’t left a card rack sorely disappointed at not finding a card that conveys their contempt for that lecherous boss, oleaginous brother-in-law, or that SOB neighbor?” With a knowing grin, Good added, “Sent anonymously, the recipient will forever be wracked with lingering doubts about the sender’s identity.”

The second set of card purchasers, a much smaller group, is more compassionate, and the sender’s empathy is never in doubt. Here, the sentiment borders on forgiveness for prior transgressions. The voice on the card’s chip pleads, “Although everyone knows you’re a motherfucker, some of us believe you have the potential to redeem yourself.” Another card takes it a step further, gently but forcefully stating, “Yes, you’re a first-rank motherfucker, but we hereby grant you a 24-hour amnesty period to mend your ways. We urge you to take advantage of this offer before it’s too late.”

Finally, unlike so many greeting cards that are associated with a national holiday or special occasion, motherfuckers are virtually ubiquitous, thus providing the company with an almost unlimited global demand. Good says, “Investors will want to get in on the ground floor, and they’ll be in good company, as the creator of this line of cards is a genius — and, now, a very rich motherfucker.”