Sisterly bonding: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fuse

 

Sisterly bonding: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fuseCelebrity twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are now closer than ever, thanks to a rare but relatively harmless conjoining of the face and torso that has occurred during the last few months.

The sisters revealed their new look at a New York political fundraiser party held by publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, who applauded them for opening up about their unusual medical development.

“Scary as a two-headed Gorgon with PMS, but utterly gorgeous,” Dubbles said. “Those two have been inseparable since birth, so it’s only natural that their pretty faces have melded into one. I love it.”

Despite their reduced mobility and what will likely be an expensive new tailored wardrobe, the two say that they’re optimistic about continuing their work as professional socialites.

“Like our psychologist says, things could be a lot worse,” said either Ashley-Kate or Mary. “At least we don’t do anything that requires a lot of movement, not like the Williams sisters, who’ve got to run around and swing a racket. Our job mostly consists of going to parties and posing, so we’re going to be fine.”

Experts suggest that the melding is a consequence of a lifetime of standing with their cheeks pressed against each other, waiting for someone to take their photo while doing their trademark zombie stare.

“The phenomenon is not unlike a skin graft,” said Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon Dr. Avery Hollicker, adding that any attempt to detach the twins could result in nerve damage or disfigurement. “Let’s just be grateful that they share the same blood type, and that there’s no third Olsen stuck to them. That would be truly gruesome.”

“I love you, sister,” said either Mary-Kate or Ashley following tepid applause from visibly disturbed guests at the fundraising party.

“And I love you,” said either Mary-Ashley or Kate.

Dr. Hollicker predicts that in time, the sisters’ skulls will fuse and their brains will meld and they’ll be able to shares synapses and mental processes.

“For the first time, they might even forge a personality,” she said. “Or they could become twice as uninteresting as before. Time will tell.”