Prankster Time magazine promotes woman go down with sinking ship

Nancy Gibbs is the first female managing editor in the publication's 90-year history. She will also be the last managing editor, ever, as falling profits indicate the magazine is close to its demise.

Nancy Gibbs is the first female managing editor in the publication’s 90-year history. She will also be the last managing editor, ever, as falling profits indicate the magazine is close to its demise.

This week’s announcement that the nearly-defunct Time magazine was giving its top editing position to a woman is causing outrage among feminists who call the promotion a “sick joke.” They say the move was calculated to show that women are “incompetent buffoons whose only business talent is to efficiently fly a company into the dirt.”

Since Time was founded in 1923 by Henry Luce — a slick chauvinist who opposed the progressive ideas of FDR — its heads have enforced an unspoken policy of only allowing men to run the publication. This practice was upheld through Time’s rise to a highly-profitable, influential weekly magazine, all the way down to its current low as a cute source of news bites for children who don’t have internet access.

Nancy Gibbs is the new managing editor. Prior to the 53-year-old’s promotion, she was an assistant deputy to the outgoing chief Richard Stengel.

“Promoting a mere ‘assistant’ to ‘boss’ should raise our suspicions,” says Hanna Preslar, a media studies professor. “What are they implying? That she got the job thanks to favors she performed? Late nights in the office stripping for her superiors? Do they think we’re stupid?”

Preslar says that in our increasingly digital world, putting a woman in charge of a silly, floundering print publication is like spitting in the face of women everywhere.

This 1943 cover depicting the fascist Spanish dictator Franco demonstrates the magazine's long-held loyalties for sexist, conservative ideals.

This 1943 cover depicting the fascist Spanish dictator Franco demonstrates the magazine’s long-held loyalties for sexist, conservative ideals.

“When Time does hit the the floor later this year, people are going to say, ‘there you go — another woman bringing down a formerly robust company,'” Preslar said. “Those jerks at Time Inc. are probably laughing their male asses off right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were giving each other high-fives and making catcalls to to the ‘fine bitches’ on the street from their 48th-story offices.”

Time’s revenue has plummeted over the past five years, with newsstand sales down almost 40 percent, according to sources, forcing the company to find ways to cut costs. The magazine has purportedly started recycling stories from years ago, hoping readers won’t notice. A recent cover story alleging President Clinton had an affair with a White House intern named Monica Lewinsky supports this claim. Additionally, staff have been instructed to bring warm sweaters and their own toilet paper to the office

“Look, it happened with Yahoo when they put Marissa Mayer in charge in 2012,” Preslar said. “Who the hell uses Yahoo anymore? The elderly, that’s who, and they’re dying. These male execs know exactly what they are doing.”