Senator strikes deal with God over refugees

 

Senator Inhofe strikes deal with God over refugeesSen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.), arguably the most pitiless opponent of refugee resettlement in the United States, has undergone a stunning change of heart. 

In a tearful interview with Oklahoma City’s KOFO-TV’s Channel 4 news, Inhofe said, “God spoke to me in a dream last night and said, ‘Jim, emigration to your own celestial home depends upon your easing the way for the world’s refugees to make their earthly home in America. I’ll leave the number and conditions to your conscience.’ I dropped to my knees and said, ‘Okie dokie, Lord.’”

Speaking in a quavering voice, Inhofe told Channel 4 viewers, “I’ve been sinfully tardy in asking forgiveness for my unchristian behavior toward the 20 million Middle Eastern and North African refugees pining, as we say down in Oklahoma, to be ‘livin’ in high cotton.’ I’m fixin’ to introduce the Love Thy Refugee as Thyself Act (S.1776), under which a full 100 Syrian, Iraqi, and Afghan refugees will be admitted to the United States.”

Sen. Inhofe, the former mayor of Tulsa, continued, “Unlike the freedom-denying countries these people fled, we believe the responsibility to succeed or fail depends entirely on individual effort — in this instance, freely pulling yourself up by your own sandal straps. In that spirit, my bill starts with the refugees’ free choice whether or not to take advantage of this opportunity.”

The bill stipulates that all applicants have a GPS microchip tracker implanted under their skin for monitoring by Homeland Security for five years. Over that period, points will be awarded for various acts of good citizenship and tallied up.

“Those model refugees who accumulate sufficient points will be eligible for citizenship,” Inhofe explained. “Those who choose not to will be deported. That’s the American way.”

A total of 7,500 points, awarded by a combination of the following ten opportunities, guarantees citizenship:

  1. Enthusiastically agree to work in cinder block factories on the U.S.-Mexico border while living in a relocation center. Points awarded by number of blocks contributed to the new Freedom Wall. (5 pts per block)
  2. Belt out all three verses of “America the Beautiful” in unaccented American English. (400 pts).
  3. Cheerfully undergo baptism into the Christian faith, including public renunciation of previously held heretical beliefs. Sen. Inhofe confided that Pastor Billy Bob Gathers, Tulsa’s billionaire, mega-televangelist, has offered to perform this sacred sacrament online for a one-time only, discounted refugee rate of $99.99. (1,000 pts)
  4. Quickly volunteer as “replacement workers” in the event of labor strikes. (500 pts)
  5. Shrewdly offer “womb-for-rent” at whatever price the market will bear. (Points determined by skillfully demonstrating ruthless entrepreneurship; maximum 750 pts)
  6. Secretly file reports on any suspicious activity among other refugees. (35 pts per report, with bonus points for information on family members)
  7. Freely surrender one or more unneeded body parts to those in need who occupy “essential command positions” in the U.S. economy. (700 pts per kidney, 1200 pts per lung lobe, 2200 pts per eye)
  8. Eagerly accept jobs that are too poorly paid to provide even a minimum standard of living. The opportunities are endless, from slaughterhouse kill floor workers, oil riggers, and orderlies, to maids, fast food workers, and pest control technicians. (600 pts, double if the job opportunity is in Oklahoma)
  9. Proudly display a Statue of Liberty tattoo on one’s forehead (200 pts for B&W, 400 pts for R,W&B)
  10. Diligently avoid protest activity supportive of so-called “social justice issues” unless performing surveillance on other refugees. (800 pts for a clean, five-year record)

Those applicants who reach 7,500 points will have their citizenship documents signed and presented by the U.S. president in a White House ceremony, unless the date conflicts with the Oklahoma-Oklahoma State football game.

Finally, casting an apprehensive glance toward the heavens, and perhaps recalling his bargain with God, Sen. Inhofe urged the refugees to begin amassing points as quickly as possible, “because our remaining days on earth are known only to Him.”