Respectful nation reluctantly following Charlie Sheen saga

 

Insisting that it’s not our business what a grown man does in private with other consenting adults, and that it’s indefensible to revel in another’s misery, it’s only with great reluctance that Americans are showing interest in Charlie Sheen’s admission that he is HIV-positive.

Orlando housewife Karla Goodwin only pays attention to actors for their on-screen accomplishments, she says. 

“Not in my wildest dreams would I read trashy articles about Charlie Sheen’s decades of drug-fueled trysts with multiple hookers,” she said. “I just don’t care. I don’t even know the man.”

However, Goodwyn says that no matter how uncomfortable it makes us feel, it is now a moral imperative to make Sheen’s history of wanton fucking the top story in every newspaper.

“Any respectable news outlets should publish a comprehensive list of Sheen’s sexual partners — documented, rumored and imaginary — going back to the early 1980s,” she said. “Honestly, I have no interest in whose orifices that man has stuck his prick, but now it’s a matter of public safety.”

TMZ founder Harvey Levin says that his celebrity news website would never consider delving into the intimate details of someone’s private life just to get a few clicks, but that after hours of meditation and a deep talk with the Dalai Lama, he has decided to make an exception.

“In this field, celebrity sex is a taboo subject, and we’d like to keep it that way, but sometimes the public’s right to know outweighs an individual’s right to privacy,” he said. “Which is why we’re flooding the internet with hundreds of sensationalistic pieces about everything from Charlie Sheen’s penis dimensions, to his weird fetishes, to the names and addresses of all the women he’s ever drunkenly called at 3 a.m.”