Report: something happened on Facebook in last four minutes

Report: something happened on Facebook in last four minutesA new report suggests that something might have happened on Facebook in the last four minutes, and it goes on to advise Facebook users to go into conversation autopilot mode and promptly investigate your news feed.

“Four minutes might not seem like a long time, but there are all sorts of events of great import that can happen in that period,” says Raymond Salz, a researcher from the University of California and current fellow at the Zuckerberg School for Data Collection. “Three minutes, not so much, according to our studies. Five minutes, oh yeah, for sure, definitely tons of things, but too many for you to ingest. Four is the magic number.”

“Your friend Martin might have shared a photo of his dinner, homemade vegan lasagna with a side salad of arugula and wild Chilean radishes, yum,” he said. “And don’t forget: maybe Kathleen liked your status update and clever hashtaggery, and we know how much you like likes.”

“Oh, and it’s quite possible that Darren tagged you in a photo from Victor’s crazy birthday party three nights ago,” he continued. “Remember, when you tried to slice a lime in the air but ended up cutting off a corner of his countertop? No, you were so drunk that you can’t remember? All the more reason to see for yourself in the photos.”

“And oh how neat, an article about Donald Trump’s cuticles,” he added, looking at his iPhone. “I’m going to share that link.”

Salz says that if you are currently communicating face-to-face with another human, you could be wasting valuable time.

“That’s why we are advising everyone to stop talking right now, and it doesn’t matter if you’re in a conversation with your partner about finances, or in the break room with a few coworkers sharing gossip, or even in the first stages of foreplay with that bald dude you met on Tinder,” Salz said. “You should immediately start vacantly nodding and saying ‘mmm hmm’ while you pull out your smartphone and see what you’re missing.”

“If you’re still listening to me, it’s too late,” he added.