Putin responds to Obama by ordering hit on Ellen DeGeneres

Putin hit on Ellen DeGeneres  for Obama spoof parody

Russian President Vladimir Putin has put a hit out on Ellen DeGeneres, the affable television host and longtime Obama supporter, according to Moscow-based network RT.

The command to take out DeGeneres, 56, comes in response to Obama’s order to freeze bank accounts of key Putin associates, including his foot masseuse, his Zumba instructor and Yuri Ugolev, a childhood friend Putin has not seen in 50 years.

“By going after those close to him, the White House is waging a very personal war on Vladimir Putin,” said Kremlin historian Dmitry Yershov. “It’s vital to understand that he’s a very touchy fellow, and he sees the world like a big game of Grand Theft Auto. Tit for tat. Or as we say in Russia, three tits for one tat. Or among former KGB, 12 tits for a perceived tat.”

Sources from within the Kremlin say Putin wants to get Obama where it will hurt the most: among his base of celebrity supporters, many of whom are joining the last-ditch effort to increase enrollments for the beleaguered Obamacare.

DeGeneres, host of the popular Ellen DeGeneres Show, is one of the most vocal promoters of Obama and his signature health care program. It was on the show last week that Obama announced that all young, healthy people who sign up before March 31 will get a pair of autographed panties from Beyoncé.

“Putin knows very well that Obama needs his celebrities to prop him up,” Yershov said. “Obama’s approval ratings are dropping, and he’s increasingly seen as weak in regards to the conflicts in Syria and Ukraine.”

“Today Putin orders Ellen to be knocked off, and tomorrow it will be Oprah, Bruce Springsteen, or even the pretty, pretty, pretty Scarlett Johansson,” Yershov said. “He will stop at nothing to get at those dear to Obama.”

White House press secretary Jay Carney warned that if Russian agents begin rubbing out Obama’s favorite celebrity supporters, the U.S. will respond with even fiercer sanctions, including ordering U.S.-based fashion label Oscar de la Renta to cease giving discounts to Putin’s two daughters.