Fearful of lawsuits in the wake of revelations that the company sold disjointed products, Planned Parenthood is issuing a nationwide recall of all parts purchased in the last ten years, admitting that they pose a serious public relations threat.
The company is contacting the owners of some 78 million internal and external parts sold as far back as 2005, advising them to stop using the items immediately and drop them off at any Planned Parenthood office for a full reimbursement. No receipt is required, according to a spokesperson.
“We want this to be as painless for everyone as possible,” said Ariella Heim, who is leading the recall efforts. “Extra staff will be on hand. Soft music will be played to ensure maximum comfort. We’re also giving out juice and cookies.”
While it’s not yet certain if any lawsuits will be filed against Planned Parenthood, the Dandy Goat’s legal expert says that the company cannot be held entirely responsible for the fiasco, as the parts were provided by millions of private suppliers.
Despite damage to the company’s reputation, its executives are confident that the majority of the public will soon forget about what is being called “Partsgate” and go back to watching cat videos.
“This is an unintended consequence of branching out into another sector too quickly,” said Rachel Wiechmann, an ob-gyn who now heads Planned Parenthood’s sprawling telesales division. “You start with providing reproductive health services, then you’re doing abortions, and before long you start saying to yourself, ‘Throwing away all these bits and pieces is such a waste.’”
“Any successful organization experiences some growing pains, and we’re no exception,” Weichmann said. “While we hope to someday get back into the used parts field, for the moment we’re going to refocus on our core activities.”
“As they say: too much, too fast,” she added. “Baby steps.”