JAHANNAM — Omar Mateen, the man who carried out an ISIS-inspired attack in a gay bar in Orlando last weekend, is reportedly suffering from “intense disappointment” in the afterlife upon finding no young men among his allocated 72 virgins.
“I’m not gay or anything, but I was hoping they’d throw a few hot dudes in the mix, you know, just to balance things out, keep me company,” he said from the afterlife. “I’ve been here almost a week, and everywhere I look, it’s only scantily clad women pleading to take care of my every desire.”
“This really sucks,” he added.
A spokesperson for the afterlife says that it was no mistake that Mateen was granted a harem of only women, and that Mateen has just not yet realized where is he.
“This motherfucker is going to spend the rest of eternity being tormented by a terrible itch that he will never scratch,” the spokesperson said.