Obama warns a government shutdown will be “like a simile crashing into a metaphor”

WASHINGTON — With an agreement about the the federal budget seeming unlikely, and with Democrats and Republicans refusing to budge before tomorrow’s deadline, President Obama warned today a government shutdown will be “like a simile crashing into a metaphor.”

The words were delivered amid a growing firestorm of analogies from both parties, with conservative congressmen vowing to kill any budget that funds the Affordable Care Act — commonly known as Obamacare — which some members of the GOP say can be compared to a baby boa constrictor given to you as a birthday present.

Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah), President Obama, and Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) are not like three peas in a pod.

Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah), President Obama, and Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.) are not like three peas in a pod.

“It looks cool and everything, and you’re thinking, ‘man, I’ve always wanted a snake like that,’” said Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah). “Then it grows, and it grows. You’ve got to feed it more and before long, it eats you up like some runt pig with a broken hind leg.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) parried Lee’s lunge with an analogy of his own.

“The American people need to think of the Affordable Care Act like a beautiful Rube Goldberg machine,” Reid said. “What this law does — using a system of levers, pulleys, scales and shoots — is take money from these folks here, and that sets off a bunch of movements that result in free health care for those folks over there. Simple as that.”

Neither analogy has convinced the American public, with almost as many people in support of Obamacare as those who are opposed.

When asked how the United States got into this budget standoff, Obama blamed Republicans — but he admitted Democrats had played a small role.

“It began like children sticking their out their tongues, but that turned into a round of rock-paper-scissors,” Obama said. “That grew into hide-and-go-seek, which escalated into a game of chicken. The Republicans raised the stakes. Now, the country is like a red Corvette being driven by a drunk teenager, approaching Dead Man’s Curve, at 100 miles per hour. At night.”

“And the brake lines have been cut,” he added.

“Republicans need to realize that a government shutdown will be catastrophic, like a simile crashing into a metaphor,” he said. “The American people will be the innocent bystanders who get crushed.”