Obama to close Guantanamo Bay weight room

gitmoSix years after he made the promise to do so, President Obama announced he is finally going to close the Guantanamo Bay weight room.

“No longer shall Guantanamo Bay be synonymous with the sounds of men in a dark, dank room grunting as they attach heavy plates to a barbell,” Obama said in a radio address Thursday. “No longer will the world equate Guantanamo Bay with the torture these men endure as they recline on a bench and press this heavy weight, ten, fifteen, even twenty times — to the point of pectoral muscle fatigue.”

“As I vowed many years ago,” Obama said, “the squalid Guantanamo Bay weight room will be no more. Gone will be the medieval squat racks that have so haunted our national psyche. Gone will be the scary leg press that we see in our nightmares. No longer shall men suffer the painful squeaking of an old pec deck, its ancient pulleys rusty and ungreased.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that after the old weight room is demolished, a new 26,400 square-foot fitness center will be constructed in its place. The center will be light, airy and modern.

“The President has always believed the United States needs to be at the forefront of changing attitudes toward fitness,” Carney said. “The new Guantanamo Bay fitness center and its many rooms will reflect America’s respect for group classes like Zumba, Pilates and yoga. Also, we’re going to have a room built for Spinning, with a state-of-the-art sound system and air-conditioning.”

“There will be a small rack of dumbbells, for those who require them,” Carney added. He also said there would be a sauna and solarium.

“We’re upgrading,” Obama said. “Times are changing. No longer will folks languish in Guantanamo Bay without even so much as a functioning scale or a juice machine.”