Obama and Boehner settle budget impasse by dance-off

With the government shutdown sending the nation into an uncontrolled pirouette, President Obama announced Monday he accepted the offer from Speaker of the House John Boehner (R–Ohio) to solve the budget dispute by a dance-off.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney issued a warning to Republican leadership not to underestimate the president’s dance skills.

obamadancer1“Boehner should think about hanging up his leg warmers,” Carney said in a press conference Monday. “President Obama didn’t go to some fancy conservatory. He learned how to express himself through dance in the mean halls of his prep school in Honolulu. The president had to jazz dance his way up.”

While Republican leaders have been more guarded about details, pundits say that Boehner — who studied dance at the prestigious Oberlin College and Conservatory before entering into politics — will likely perform an interpretive piece showing off his technical prowess. A 1981 arts review from the Columbus Dispatch called Boehner one the nation’s “up and coming” figures in contemporary ballet. The article also said his “powerful and majestic leaps” were “reminiscent of Baryshnikov at his finest.”

boehner_dancer2The two men will dress themselves in worn, black tights and sleeveless grey sweatshirts, and they will wear dance belts to hide their anatomy from public scrutiny. A coin toss will decide who dances first and there will be six consecutive rounds of 90 seconds each. Obama and Boehner are allowed to use back-up dancers, but they must be either a serving congressman from their own party or — in the case of the president — a cabinet member.